How To Set And Protect Your Boundaries During The Holidays
The holidays can easily pull us in countless different directions, making it difficult to actually enjoy a time of year that's supposed to be full of joy. People with divorced parents often struggle with holiday stress, but even if you don't have multiple sets of parents to visit, you probably have grandparents, friends, work parties, your significant other's parents, and extended family celebrations to juggle throughout November and December.
Setting boundaries is crucial when it comes to enjoying the holiday season. Try to people-please, and you're likely to end up stressed out with no time for yourself, and no truly relaxing moments with your nearest and dearest. Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially when you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But you can and should set expectations up front so you can spend actual quality time with your loved ones. Here's how to do it.
Plan Ahead
Planning your holiday season ahead of time is one of the best ways to ensure you don't overcommit yourself and end up with more parties in one weekend than you can realistically enjoy. Take some time to think through your priorities. If your sister just had a baby and it's important to you to see your new niece or nephew over the holidays, that's going to have to come first, while your company holiday party or your SO's annual family brunch might have to take a back seat.
By getting in touch with everyone whose plans might impact yours, you can put the most important social events in your calendar and know which ones you plan to skip. Doing this as far in advance as possible will help ensure no one is surprised you can't make it to their gathering come December.
Schedule Down Time
Instead of just juggling gathering after gathering, make a night or two in per weekend a part of your schedule. If you and your SO want some down time for just the two of you, schedule a date night in as part of your holiday calendar. Ditto for a self-care night. Write these "events" into your calendar just like you would any other holiday plan.
Communicate Clearly + Kindly
Once you've figured out your plans, communicate your plans to everyone involved, from parents and in-laws to friends and siblings. And as tempting as it might feel to be defensive about saying no to an event, don't be: If people are disappointed you won't be at their event, just allow them to be disappointed. An "I know, I'm bummed I won't be there too. But I'll be there in spirit!" is a much kinder response than "Listen, I can't please everyone, ok?".
Manage Expectations
That said, some people might push back against your preferred plans, particularly your parents and your SO's parents. While it's important to be kind, stay firm in your resolve and don't give them an inch — they might end up trying to take a mile. For example, if you've decided to spend Christmas Eve with your SO, your parents might request that you "just stop by" for half an hour or so. Don't allow anyone to guilt trip you into changing your plans. You can't pour from an empty cup, and it's likely that you've penciled them in for another time in the holiday season (and if you haven't there's probably a good reason for it).
Treat Yourself
Finally, once all the planning, boundary-setting, and communicating of plans is done with, relax and enjoy yourself. Don't allow guilt or shame to crop up and rain on your parade. Treat yourself to good food, fun times, and a few holiday cocktails or mocktails with those you hold dearest, and be totally in in the moment. Setting boundaries ensures you're not leaving one event to run to another, so you can actually enjoy the time you have.
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