8 Lessons 'Sex And The City' Taught Me About Dating & Finding Love

1. Just because he’s good on paper, he still might not be right for you!

The writers played with this idea a few times throughout the series: a guy who seems perfect (AKA, good on paper) but isn’t quite the right fit, for some reason or another.

First there was Sean, the "marrying" guy, who was everything that every woman could theoretically want. Carrie passed and so did Charlotte, who was very eager to get married herself. They both had a gut feeling that he wasn't the right one.

Next came Dr. Bradley Meego, who was actually described as the "good on paper" guy and succinctly dismissed by Samantha as, “good on paper, bad in bed.” But he didn't stick around long enough for Carrie to get that far.

The gist here is, remember to judge the person as a whole, not according to an arbitrary laundry list of the qualities and accomplishments your "dream" partner should have.

​2. The right person will love you for your quirks, not in spite of them.

During my formative years, I thought Aidan was an absolute catch. Cute, kind, and wants to marry her? I’d ask myself what more could Carrie want? But after a few [dozen] more rewatches, plus some much-needed life experience, I realized that there was a lot of truth to the The Way We Were homage in season three.

Carrie is c-c-c-curly, and pretty c-c-c-complicated as well. And as a fellow complicated girlie, I have my fair share of quirks, and being with a guy who simply tolerates them just isn’t it. While Aiden did love Carrie, he always seemed eager to change her into his ideal outdoorsy, minimalistic, pie-baking, greasy-chicken eating woman. Although there’s nothing wrong with being that girl, it just wasn’t Carrie — and it's wild that her serious boyfriend-turned-fiancé somehow failed to understand her on such a basic level. She needed to be with someone who appreciated her love of shoes, superior style, and zest for NYC nightlife — rather than just tolerating it as a necessary evil.

​3. Mr. Right may not be Mr. Right Now.

In the OG series, Carrie and Aidan make a few go’s at their relationship. It doesn’t work out for a many reasons — namely, Carrie’s cheating, Aidan’s jealousy, and a fundamental difference in values.

But in And Just Like That, they get another chance, and it looks like the third time might be the charm. We change a lot as we get older, and it looks like Carrie and Aidan’s life experiences helped them each grow into more understanding and flexible people than they were decades prior. While he wasn’t endgame back then, Aidan 2.0 has definite OTP potential.

​4. Dating can be fun if you let it, so don’t take it too seriously.

Carrie is someone who is looking for love, real love — as the infamous quote goes — which means she’s not going to settle on someone just for the plot. Until she finds that person, Carrie is enjoying dating, going out, meeting new people, and figuring out what she wants.

One of my favorite tidbits about SATC is that at one point they started running out of male actors to cast, because the girls went through them so quickly, which is a pretty awesome gender switch on the status quo of the 90s.

Dating in NYC often catches a bad rap, but I’ve always thought Carrie made it look like so much fun! And sure enough, when I was single in the city, I took the Carrie approach: Meet new people, figure out what you’re looking for, “try on” different options to see how they fit, and don’t take any of it too seriously (until, of course, there’s someone worth taking seriously).

By taking the Carrie Bradshaw approach (AKA having fun with it and not taking it too seriously), I was able to remove the stress, emerge unscathed, and ultimately meet my husband.

5. Keep an open mind when it comes to love.

When we first meet the girls in season one, we quickly start to understand their interests, viewpoints, hopes, and dreams. Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha are all highly different from each other, with their own taste in men — and a long list of relationship deal breakers. Other than Carrie, each of her friends has a very specific idea of the type of relationship they want to end up in: for Charlotte, a preppy finance guy; for Miranda, an equally successful partner who she can have an intellectual conversation with; and for Samantha, a carousel of attractive suitors rather than any one man in particular.

As the series progresses, each of our ladies goes on dozens of dates, with varying degrees of success. Samantha is thrilled with the non-monogamous lifestyle, until she meets Smith, a struggling actor who thinks she’s the greatest woman in the world. Miranda encounters a depressing amount of sexism and ultimately finds love with Steve, a blue collar bloke from Queens, who’s perfectly content being a bartender. He treats her well and makes her happy (in this case, movies and spinoff are not canon!), which is enough.

Charlotte takes it a step further and marries her supposedly perfect match. She finds that Trey’s idyllic world, which she so longed to be a part of, isn’t enough to fulfill her if she’s not with the right person. Charlotte then falls for Harry, her divorce lawyer, a character so unpreppy that it’s actually comical. He’s the last person Charlotte ever imagined herself with, but she ends up making her own set of sacrifices in order for their relationship to work out.

While it’s important to have standards (including your own list of hard no’s), it’s even more crucial to avoid boxing yourself out of the love of your life, or what could otherwise be a happy & healthy relationship.

​6. Healthy competition is nice, but not when it’s toxic.

In the first half of season six, Carrie’s book publicist introduces her to Berger, a fellow author who’s charmingly self-deprecating and relatively attractive, and they quickly hit it off. At first, it seems like a perfect fit, but their flirty competition turns toxic when Berger’s second book option is dropped while Carrie’s star continues to rise. It’s normal for careers to go through ebbs and flows, but healthy adults will be rooting for their partner no matter what — even if their own success is temporarily eclipsed.

​7. Don’t lose yourself in a relationship.

Later in season six, Carrie is head over heels in love with Aleksandr (or, at least trying to convince herself that she is). She’s so focused on fitting into his glamorous life that she gives up on everything that’s important to her: NYC, which she leaves for Paris; her column, which was a huge part of her life; and her friends, who were her chosen family. Eventually, Carrie comes to her senses, and I’m glad she did this on her own (before seeing Mr. Big).

8. ​If he hits you, get TF out.

In the series finale, Carrie is unhappily living in Paris with Aleksandr. She’s given up so much of herself for her relationship, and now feels empty and alone, but the final straw is when Aleksandr slaps her. It was the slap heard ‘round the world, and while many dismissed it as a ‘mistake’ or ‘not a big deal,’ I’m so happy that Carrie saw through this and got out of that toxic mess. There’s no way it would have been the last time, and if she stayed, it almost certainly would have gotten worse.