15 Things You Should Never Tell A Pregnant Woman With A Baby Bump
When I was pregnant, I was terrified of labor. I heard only the horror stories, but my experience, like many others I later learned, went surprisingly smooth. It was definitely not what I imagined from the movie labor scenes I witnessed, with the OTT screaming and sweating, especially since I chose to get an epidural.
I was soon reading Amy Poehler's Yes, Please! while lying on the delivery table. (Which was actually the perfect book because she talks about her labor fears too). I even took a nap! I felt great. It wasn’t until the last two hours that I had to “push” — which was no picnic, but also you get through it with lots of nursing cheers and partner support — and the immediate feeling after when you finally meet your babe is BLISS.
This is all to say: maybe keep the scary pregnancy stories private if you have them. I always make a point of sharing my positive story with newly expecting moms in hopes that they will worry less when all you can do is wait. I think a good rule of thumb is to be supportive, positive and excited for her/them. Here are 15 things you maybe shouldn’t tell a woman with a baby bump.
1. "Wow, you’re huge!" or "Are you sure it’s not twins?"
Comments about size or weight, whether the person is “too big” or “too small,” can be hurtful. Every pregnancy looks different so put any thoughts about physical attributes to bed.
2. "Should you be eating/drinking that?"
Policing someone’s food or drink choices is invasive and unnecessary. Trust that they’re capable of making informed decisions, with their OB/GYN's support, about themselves and their baby.
Vince Fleming
3. "Was it planned?" or "How long did it take?"
Questions about conception are deeply personal and inappropriate unless they choose to share this info with you.
4. "What are you going to name the baby?"
Many couples want to keep the name private until the baby is born and I'll explain why. Because when you do share, people have their own associations with the name and are not afraid to share what they think, even with just a look on their face. We decided to stop telling people we were naming our baby Matilda because we got negative comments. Now all people say when they meet her is how much they love the name. It's all about the person, not the name!
5. "Are you returning to work?"
This is a decision a woman can make with her partner and family without the need to share or decide during the pregnancy stage. I decided three months in, after returning to work, that I couldn't manage a new baby and a demanding job and thought my only option was to leave. Turns out, my boss was very accommodating and allowed me to work from home my first year as a new mom. This is a private decision but also so much changes once the baby arrives.
6. "Are you hoping for a boy/girl?"
Talking about gender can put unnecessary pressure on the idea of gender preference when the health of the baby is what truly matters.
7. "You look tired."
Pregnancy is exhausting, especially during that first trimester. Pointing it out doesn’t help and might make expecting moms feel self-conscious. "Glowing" and "beautiful" are better words for mama-to-be to hear!
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8. "You’ll sleep when the baby sleeps."
Actually, you won't because mom has so many other things to take care of, including herself, when the baby is sleeping. Instead, offer to help watch the baby so she can get some sleep or offer to help run errands. This is so much better than advice that is just not practical!
9. "You're going to have your hands full!"
Pregnancy and parenthood come with plenty of changes, but fear-mongering or negativity isn’t helpful. Everyone’s experience is unique, and making blanket statements like this one is just not useful to new moms.
10. "Enjoy your freedom while it lasts."
Parenthood may change things, but it’s not helpful to imply life ends once the baby arrives. The first year and beyond are so rewarding and can even bring you and your partner even closer. Yes, it's challenging in terms of having free time, but you find so many moments of joy too that you don't really want to be away from your baby!
11. "Can I touch your belly?" (or worse, touching without asking)
Always ask for permission, and don’t take offense if they say no. Personal space and body autonomy is still important.
12. Do you plan to breastfeed?
This is such a personal choice and the question itself comes off as judgmental. Also, some women who plan to breastfeed can't so this is a question better left unasked.
13. "How much weight have you gained?"
Weight-related comments are intrusive and can be offensive. See question one!
14. "You’re going to bounce back, right?"
Recovery is personal, and this type of comment pressures new moms to meet unrealistic expectations.
15. "Is the baby here yet?"
I was a few days late and had several people check in maybe a little too often. I wanted to say, 'You'll know when I know!" Late in pregnancy, this can be frustrating and annoying. We're already counting the days and don’t need reminders!
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