2017’s Best and Worst Places to Raise a Family

1. Choose your battles ahead of time.

You're not going to change everyone's opinion about all of the things over the course of a meal and a football game. You might want to show up ready for a duel of words with your Facebook-meme-king cousin, but that's just going to put your opinionated family member on the offensive from the moment you walk in. Decide ahead of time if there's one issue that you really cannot keep your mouth shut about if it comes up, and have two or three talking points ready that clarify your position on that topic. If your hot button does get pushed, your talking points will help you keep from making things personal.

2. Confer with the host.

If you feel comfortable with the person that's organizing or hosting Thanksgiving, speak to him or her in advance about how you can be on Team Keep the Peace. Most people aren't keen on a political brouhaha breaking out around their dinner table, so they'll probably be relieved to hear that you're on board and willing to help make the day go smoothly for everyone. Brainstorm some ideas about seating arrangements or wholesome activities to fill the idle family time that can lead to trading barbs.

3. Make it a game.

Caitlin Bergstein, a Boston-based matchmaker and relationship expert for Three Day Rule, suggests a fun twist on the swear jar concept. “If your family is up for the challenge, you can even make it a game. Each time someone mentions something political, they have to put a dollar in a jar (or take a drink, depending on how your family celebrates the holiday). At the end of the night, that cash can be put aside for the next family get together!"

4. Have a moment of silence.

Sometimes the idea of a quiet table can be intimidating (all those chewing noises!), but encouraging a moment of reflection among your holiday guests can actually be transformative. Whether you observe several seconds of silence in honor of relatives you've lost, as a way to silently acknowledge your individual blessings, or as an act of prayer or meditation, you've hopefully brought the room back to focus on each other's company and the gift that it is to be together.

5. Be an active listener.

If your one doggedlypersistent aunt can't let go of her obsession with the latest political scandal, reconsider what she's actually trying to tell you. Chances are, it's not just about what she saw on the news. “Assume that your polarizing relative actually probably just wants to connect, feel respected, and reduce their own anxiety about holiday gatherings, and interpret even difficult behavior as such," advises Mary Fisher, a Salt Lake City psychotherapist who specializes in family relationships. “Express the desire to connect while redirecting the conversation," Fisher recommends. Emphasize the fact that you're interested in protecting the time your family spends together. That can help soften the blow when you ask to instead hear them share a family memory or talk about a hobby you both share.

6. Disengage.

Remember that if angry words or offensive language start flying at you across the sweet potato pie, you don't have to respond. Have a script in mind to use, something like, “While I hear where you're coming from, I don't share your opinion, and I'm done talking about it today." Convey the message that you're quite clear on the matter being discussed, and you're not going to take the bait. You may have to repeat yourself several times, or you may choose to remain silent until things cool down around you. Either one is okay.

7. Duck out early.

If you feel like you have to retreat from the situation entirely, do it. One of the best things about being an adult is leaving when you want to leave. You don't have to subject yourself, your spouse, or your family to any kind of dialogue that is insulting, bigoted, or aggressive. Fisher shares these words of advice: “While we might think that the holidays are the time to resolve differences, they are actually the time to affirm and nurture connection, which can be an uphill battle with politically polarizing relatives." If you don't feel like a connection is being nurtured and the environment is not good for you to be in, say goodbye and make a break for it.

“Good awkward speaks to this idea that a degree of risk-taking is required in order to grow and improve our circumstances or advance at work and in life," says Pryor.

But getting good at embracing those moments of awkwardness takes practice. "Awkwardness is a social emotion,” says Pryor. “We don't feel it when other people aren't around.” The holidays are the perfect time for flexing that muscle. We’re meeting new people. We’re facing family conflicts. We’re talking politics with more people who aren’t in our bubble. We’re having more social interactions at work and seeing relatives who may not always see our point of view.

Here are ways to survive holiday season awkwardness and face it with confidence and grace:

Calibrate your expectations.

"You don't see these people all year long oftentimes, so there's a degree of uncertainty that if we can anticipate it and level set our expectations, it helps us go into it, says Pryor. Have some strategies to call on in the moment too. “The first thing is naming it,” says Pryor. “When no one says anything, the tension actually gets thicker. But if somebody can playfully go, 'Oh, that was awkward,' or kind of own it or name it, it actually diffuses the tension, everyone can relax." You can also strategically use humor. "We can have talk tracks to playfully change the subject or exit the room, but we need to mentally prepare for them so that we can have tools at our fingertips in the moment when we need them."

Flip the script.

To help build self-awareness around the emotion, ask yourself a few questions, like what are the childhood stories and narratives I tell myself? Are you thinking of your awkward feelings as a state or a trait? A state = "I feel awkward right now" (and it's something that will pass, and I can handle) vs. a trait ("I'm so awkward all the time"), which feels more permanent, and less easy to work with, says Pryor.

“A lot of times when we experience awkward moments, we just want to remove ourselves from the situation. We don't want to think about it anymore. But there's actually a ton of value in data after that moment has eventually passed, to thinking about why did that feel so cringey or awkward or embarrassing to me? What does that represent?,” she says. Pryor uses a personal and relatable example to illustrate this point.

"I grew up in a South Asian household where my parents would often say an expression that means, 'What will other people think?' There was a lot of that constantly, so peel back the layers, understand what are the stories you're telling yourself." That awareness can help alleviate the negative self talk that happens post-awkward situation.

Play back a redemptive story.

Citing research from Professor Dan McAdams at Northwestern University, Pryor says we can tell ourselves contamination stories or redemptive ones. “You can't control your first thought, but you can control your second one," says Pryor. It's natural to think 'Well, that was awkward or that was embarrassing. And that's OK. "Our second thought, however, can be to continue to ruminate or turn it into an alternative," says Pryor. A contamination story is, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe that happened. I'm never going to speak up at the table again with these relatives," or "I'm never going to contribute to the conversation."

Or you can turn it into a positive, which is, "'Well, that didn't go how I hoped, but I'm proud of myself considering I don't see these folks often that I contributed to the conversation, learned a lesson from it. The next time, maybe I'll handle it differently, but I spoke up and I'm proud because I don't typically do so.' Can you look for the gifts in the garbage of that situation?," asks Pryor.

Finally, recognize the universality of awkward moments. We all feel them, and we can’t avoid them. But by naming it, diffusing it (with humor or just calling it out), and reality-checking our emotions and self-doubt vs. letting it dictate our actions can help us breeze through them with confidence and ease.

“Look for the evidence and the facts,” says Pryor. “You can also ask yourself, "What else is true?" For example, "I may feel awkward right now, but I'm also having this conversation and that's a huge step for me and worth being proud of."

Dyson Special Edition Airwrap Multi-Styler

The Dyson Airwrap is like the Lamborghini of hair tools. It's bougie, for sure, but it's oh-so good. This premier hair tool can dry and style strands simultaneously, all without heat damage. Mom can easily customize her hairstyle with the 6 attachments – she'll never need another blow dryer in her lifetime.

Fellow Stagg EKG Pro Studio Electric Gooseneck Kettle

I use this kettle every single day, so I can confidently say it's well worth the splurge. If your mom's a major tea (or coffee!) drinker, she'll appreciate that this kettle heats up quickly, can hold its contents at a custom temperature for however long she wants, and provides a very even pour. It also just looks like a total work of art when it's sitting on the countertop, so it won't mess up whatever feng shui she's already got goin' on in her kitchen.

UGG Tasman Slippers

As reliable as a gift house shoes can be, giving her a pair that'll actually last is a way better choice than opting for cheaper styles that'll crap out after a few months of use. These UGG slippers are super durable, thanks to their grippy outsoles. That way, she's not relegated to only wearing them inside the house – she can easily take them outside to check the mail or run errands. If your mom lives somewhere where it gets extremely cold in the winter, these wool-lined bad boys will also keep her toesies ultra-warm!

Soft Services Smoothing Set

Mom's new skincare routine is loading! This trio helps revive dry, flaky skin with a gentle exfoliating bar that doesn't dramatically strip the skin's moisture, a soothing gel exfoliant for the bod, and a lightweight lotion that delivers deep hydration for softer skin. Soft Services' packaging is also so beautiful and feels like a nice, somewhat-bougie upgrade from the products your mama may use on the daily.

e.l.f. Celestial Winter 10-Piece Eyeshadow Palette

I know my mom goes crazy for an eyeshadow palette, which is why this one from e.l.f. caught my eye. Inspired by a winter's night sky, this 10-shade palette hosts the ideal mix of warm and cool tones, plus a good variety of matte, shimmer, and metallic hues. The range of this palette makes it a great fit for any eye color, too. This will allow her to create so many different looks in one easy-to-use product!

BrüMate Era Straw Tumbler Water Bottle

I like to think of this water bottle as the famed Stanley tumbler but (dare I say it) so much better. I sip from it on the daily to hit my daily water intake goals, and it's an absolute delight – I know your mom will think so, too! What I love most about it is the leakproof lid. And it's not just one of those leakproof lids that's not actually leakproof, it really lives up to its name: I haven't spilled once! Plus, this bottle's stainless steel lining helps keep its contents cold for over 24 hours for an ice-cold sip every single time.

Baggu Large Nylon Sling Bag

If your mother is a lady on the go, there's no question she's in need of a large bag to help her tote her stuff around. This pick from Baggu will definitely earn her major style points, as it emulates a lot of the trendy bucket bags we're seeing rise in popularity. I like that it offers the convenience of a large tote bag without the taxing upkeep of leather or suede – Baggu's signature nylon material is easily machine-washable when it's time for a refresh! This bag comes in 5 different colors so you can track down the one that really suits her vibe.

Dieux Glow Trinity Skin Set

Every single skincare product from Dieux is super gentle, yet effective. This set includes their Baptism cleanser, Deliverance serum, and Instant Angel moisturizer, which all work wonders on their own, but operate better together. The cleanser is my personal favorite of the three – it always leaves my face feeling clean without really stripping any of its existing moisture. This power trio will save mom's dry winter skin in an instant!

Breda Jane Bracelet Watch

Is it a bracelet? Is it a watch? This time, it's both. This style from Breda feels especially jewelry-like, but offers practical use by telling the time. I like how minimalistic the design is – mom will be able to rock it across all different kinds of looks, from workdays to dinner parties. The 14k-gold plate, quartz, and mother-of-pearl construction make it perfectly elevated and elegant as a gift.

Quince Mongolian Cashmere Crewneck Sweater

A good cashmere sweater can run you upwards of $100, but this style is just $50. Plus, it comes in 14 different colors. Mom will want to bathe in its "irresistibly soft" fabric all winter long!

Uncommon Goods Modular Honeycomb Serving Set

This is the coolest gift idea for the hostess with the mostess! This innovative serving set connects magnetically, so mom can fashion it however she pleases. From busy get-togethers to chill movie nights at home, she'll be able to set out snacks in perhaps the most aesthetically-pleasing way possible. Once the snacking's over, each component conveniently stacks on top of one another for easy storage!

SeaVees Acorn Trainer Sneakers

Step up mom's shoe game with these sleek sneaks! I promise they're going to be one of the softest shoes she's ever (literally) step foot in. Though super lightweight, the thick, cushiony memory foam footbeds of these sneakers provide unparalleled comfort and support. Plus, the '90s-inspired sporty silhouette can work with a variety of outfits, thanks to the chilled-out color palette.

Flamingo Estate Roma Heirloom Tomato Candle

'Heaven in a candle' is the only way I can accurately describe this scent. Encapsulating of "balmy summer nights in the garden, where tomatoes hang heavy from freshly watered vines and the leaves become their most fragrant," it burns the most delicious herby, peppery, potent smell. This makes a refreshing gift for the moms out there that simply can't stand floral- or vanilla-forward candles!

Ember Temperature Control Smart Mug

Mom is too good for microwaved coffee. Help her keep her brew fresh with this self-warming mug! It can keep 14 ounces of liquid warm for up to 80 minutes on a single charge, or even a full day if she keeps it connected to the coordinating coaster. The set-up itself is very compact, so it can fit on her desk fuss-free.