4 Myths About Therapy, Debunked by a Counselor

Are there really assigned roles in friend groups or am I just imagining things?

Like I said before, it can seem like you and your friends unintentionally gravitate toward certain 'roles.' It's not like anyone woke up one day and decided, "I'm going to be the 'mother hen' of the group," but it tends to happen. Why?

Paruolo says, "In my clinical work, I've consistently observed that our friendship roles often mirror our early family dynamics. These patterns show up naturally — think about who in your friend group gets the first crisis call, who plans all the gatherings, or who everyone turns to for emotional support." I'm willing to bet you thought of a name for each scenario — including yours — because I know I did!

"Like in families, we each fall into specific roles that feel familiar to us," Paruolo further explains.

What actually makes someone an empathetic person?

There's so many definitions for empathy, but I thought it would be wise to ask a licensed professional for her opinion on the matter. "Empathy means to feel what others are feeling. You do not have to have a personal direct experience with something to feel empathy for another person," shares Paruolo.

For example, your friend could call to tell you she has to have fibroid removal surgery and is feeling scared. You may have never had surgery, but you could find yourself feeling the need to comfort her in spite of this. Paruolo says, "The cool thing about our brains is that we have mirror neurons, which means part of our brain is set up to feel what others feel. The ability to attune to others' emotional states comes naturally to some people, while others may need to develop this capacity more consciously."

To break it down even further, here's signs that Paruolo says point to your empathetic nature.

Physical Signs:

• Getting physically exhausted after being in crowds
• Feeling drained after social interactions, even enjoyable ones (OMG I feel so seen!)
• Needing extra time alone to recharge

Emotional Signs:

• Absorbing other people's emotions like a sponge
• Feeling anxious or overwhelmed in emotionally charged environments
• Finding it hard to watch violence or cruelty in movies/TV

Social Signs:

• Feeling responsible for others' happiness
• Having trouble saying "no" to people who need help

Mental Signs:

• Picking up on subtle changes in others' moods
• Being highly attuned to body language and tone
• Finding it hard to distinguish your feelings from others' feelings

It sounds like I'm the empathetic friend, but are there any downsides to this?

I've been an empath for as long as I can remember and I've found that I have to 'recharge' my social batteries at times. I thought it was because I was trying to be superwoman by fixing others' problems, but it turns out theres more to it than that. Paruolo says, "Empathetic friends and people have an uncanny ability to sense others' emotional states even when unspoken, and frequently need recovery time after intense social interactions. They tend to be deeply affected by others' experiences and naturally consider situations from multiple perspectives."

In the long run, she says it can be "distressing" for some people to always feel the feelings of others. Over time, she says, "it can cause you to shut down and retract." This can look like not being as quick to respond to the funny memes your friends send you or not even answering their phone calls right away.

But, this doesn't mean you're the only person who tends to go through this. "Many empaths struggle with maintaining boundaries due to their deep emotional attunement," she says. Color me guilty because this sounds so much like me. It got so bad at one point that my sister nicknamed me 'Captain Save-A-Lot,' which is actually the clean version of what she truly meant. Still, empathy fatigue is no laughing matter nor does it mean you're defected. You just have the natural ability to show people their feelings are important to you.

How can I protect my peace as the empathetic friend?

You know you need to set boundaries, but what does that mean? Paruolo says, "The key is understanding that empathy needs to be balanced with compassion - it's not just about feeling others' emotions but also knowing how to help without depleting yourself."

One of the things she loves to do is "encourage empaths to set clear boundaries around their emotional availability and make time for regular grounding exercises." As with gratitude journaling, try to focus on an activity that calls for you to be present. Focus on what you can hear, see, touch, taste, and smell.

"Self-care isn't just a luxury; it's essential maintenance for empaths. This might mean scheduling alone time, finding a supportive therapist, or joining communities where you can process your experiences," Paruolo implores.

I know how to be there for others, but how do I ask for emotional support when I need it?

You may feel like it's impossible to ask others for help since your shoulders are the ones people cry on, but you're only doing yourself a disservice by not speaking up. No one's super resilient or able to handle all of their distressing feelings alone. We're not meant to.

It's the reason Paruolo wants you to speak up about what you need. "The most effective approach I've seen is being direct about your needs rather than hoping others will figure them out," she says. I made this mistake during postpartum and found myself expecting my family & friends to know exactly how I felt, but they're not mind readers. The more I verbally asked for help with little or big tasks, the more my mental and emotional load lightened.

Paruolo wants you to look at "asking for support as strengthening your friendships through trust and vulnerability, instead of waiting until you're overwhelmed." By the time you reach that point, you'll be ready to enter rage or full-blown shut down mode and they're not fun.

Avoid unlocking their proverbial doors by scheduling "regular check-ins with trusted friends," suggests Paruolo. "This creates a sustainable support system and helps prevent emotional crisis points.

Intentional Thoughts

I'm someone who has a hard time letting things go; I can agonize over one thought or situation for days! Because of this, I focus a lot on taking thoughts captive, which just means pinpointing anxious thoughts and replacing them with what I know is true.

When I have an anxious thought, I do a creative visualization exercise in which I imagine it's inside a bubble floating over my head. Then I slam an imaginary door over the memory and lock it. Then the bubble explodes and the thought doesn't exist anymore. It's not necessarily pretending like it never happened, but it does allow me to exercise some control over what I allow myself to spend time and energy thinking about.

—Choe Williams, Entertainment Editor

Breathing Techniques

My mom is a Pre-K teacher and suggested I try the breathing exercises she does with her kids who are just four years old (I'm 31 for context). The first is called Mountain Breathing, which entails holding up your hand and tracing the outline of your fingers. As you climb up the mountain (or your finger), inhale, and as you trace down into the valley between your fingers, exhale. Another breathing visualization she recommends is as you inhale, imagine yourself breathing in to smell the flowers, and exhale to blow out a candle. These little imaginative scenarios help me get out of my head and focus on my breathing when I need a little reset throughout the day.

Hammock Swinging

Whenever I'm feeling super stressed, I head for the hammock I setup in my front yard. Just as rocking can soothe babies, swinging in a hammock is a powerful soother for adults too! I feel super chilled afterwards and am usually getting some Vitamin D while I'm at it for a win-win.

Painting

During the pandemic, I revisited arts and crafts with soft pastels. I started mixing the colors and doing gradient shadings on card stock with my hands, and it proved to be a super meditative way to decompress. The end result is DIY art you can share or pin on your fridge or wall.

—Alison Ives, Head Of Content

Breathing Techniques

Nothing calms me down quite like alternate-nostril breathing. I first learned about this technique in my yoga classes, but the practice (called Nadi Shodhana in Sanskrit) dates back to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, which was thought to be written sometime between 200 BC and 200 CE. Put simply, you sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and cover one nostril while you breathe in through the other. Then, you switch which nostril you're holding closed, and breathe out. In modern times, the connection between vagal nerve tone (which is correlated with anxiety and emotional regulation) and alternate-nostril breathing is becoming more and more mainstream, which may eventually help us better understand why this practice is so naturally calming.

Tarot Reading

Tarot can mean a lot of different things to different people. For me, I use tarot cards as a method to help me understand what lessons I'm learning at any given time. This has allowed me to view stressors in my life as learning experiences, which has helped me stay calm in numerous crises. I personally like to light some incense or a scented candle, sit quietly, and pull a card to see what resonates. That said, tarot and its associated images and meanings can be scary or triggering if you don't have a deep and gentle understanding of what the cards mean. I recommend Lindsay Mack's classes and podcasts for anyone who wants to learn about tarot in a non-judgemental, non-predictive, trauma-informed way.

—Maggie McCracken, Former Senior Editor

Sensory Accessories

My recent ways of coping/de-stressing have primarily been spiky sensory finger rings, which are a huge help when I need to get something done and can't stop my day to destress. I grab one of these guys which I have all over the place (most of my jacket pockets + purses), and it helps to calm me down and reset my focus.

Meditation On The Move

Another thing I do that I am trying to integrate into my daily routine is guided meditation walks. As someone who hasn't mastered sitting meditation I've found some on Headspace that I'm enjoying that are specifically for going on a walk through a city.

—Claire Shadomy, Former Graphic Designer

Baths...

In times of high stress, or after a long day, my go-to is always a candle-lit bath soak. I put a large scoop of Epsom salts in the tub with a few drops of my favorite essential oil and place tea lights all around the tub. It’s like my secret getaway from the rest of the world. I always make a point to leave my phone in the other room too so I utilize the time to just relax in silence. Water triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body's “rest and digest” response. It always gets my heart rate and blood pressure down.

...And Sound Baths

Sound baths are a meditative experience where you’re “bathed” in sound waves. I love to watch them online but you can also create your own experience. I find meditating with a singing bowl so relaxing. It can take a little practice, but once you’ve nailed the hand movement, it’s an interactive way to ease stress and channel your focus elsewhere.

—Allison Cimo, Former Social Media Manager

Take A Hike

Pretty much every day in 2020 I walked the trails near my house and I started to pick up a small rock each time. I'd fidget with it while I cleared my mind and let nature calm my nerves. I would throw the rock back into nature after my hike and it felt like a release for all of my worries.

Bedtime Music

My daughter and I listen to Doze sleep music on Headspace before we go to bed. It calms her late-night zoomies (and mine) and gets her to sleep in minutes!

—Theresa Gonzalez, Branded Content Editor

Journaling

What I use for my anxiety is the Intelligent Change Five Minute Journal. I have a safe word in place for when I feel myself spiraling or I'm not able to control my thoughts and breathing.

—Brittney Davis, Account Manager

Stars Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo, as well as director Jon M. Chu, welcomed the cast with open arms — literally. "[They] would hug everyone who came in," he says. "The first day I think every actor had a minimum two-hour meeting with Jon just to walk through all of the designs and all the things and talk about character. And so from from the very beginning, it just felt like it's really safe...This huge movie is something that we've been waiting for for 20 years on a big scale with the biggest stars in the world, it could have felt really intimidating and it felt really familial immediately."

And part of that family dynamic meant there was a lot of laughing, even if there weren't too many pranks. "There was a lot of just hanging out and giggling on set. I think Jon and Michelle [Yeoh] have a real special — they go back and so they were really funny...All of the people in this cast from afar are so intimidating. It's Michelle Yeoh, like, it's Jeff Goldblum. And then in person, they're just down to clown and it was so fun. I don't know if [there were] pranks, I was too nervous to do pranks. And I think people were kind and didn't prank me, but there was a lot of giggles."

With Ariana Grande's natural humor and SNL star Bowen Yang, it's no wonder some of the funniest moments happened during the Shiz University scenes. "I cannot wait for like the roll out of everything that Bowen said that isn't in the movie, or Ari, honestly, said that isn't in the movie. Just take after take."

"It's hard not to [laughing while filming]," he continues. "I think we were pretty good. But the moments where somebody broke, it was always great. There's one that's seared into my memory of, in Doctor Dillamond's classroom, I don't remember what Ari said but she got Cynthia and it's just the two of them across the way and they're staring at each other and she got her so good. There's something really wonderful about breaking. It's delightful."

Another standout scene featuring the Shiz students is "Dancing Through Life," and the number's rehearsal is one of Ethan Slater's most memorable days on Wicked. "We had a rehearsal with, I don't know, maybe 100 dancers working on 'Dancing Through Life' and Jon came down, this was really early on and he gathered all the dancers around and he gave this speech [where] he basically told the story about how he fell in love with filmmaking," he says. "And it was because of dancers and it was because of the collaboration between dancers and the camera. And he was like, 'We're all in this together. And if you need anything, find me. I'm in the director's chair, but I'm accessible.' And he was, I would sit next to him and watch take after take and he would like point things [out]. He was just so generous."

Is directing something Ethan himself would be interested in? "There's so much I have to learn, but I'm excited to learn it," he says. "And I write and I love writing for the screen and all of that someday I would love to take that on. But I think I'm self aware enough to know that it might be a little ways down the line."

Now, bringing it back to the "Dancing Through Life" of it all, I couldn't help but dance in my seat throughout the song, and Ethan Slater promises it was just as fun to film as it is to watch. "[Jonathan Bailey] the most charismatic human on the planet, it's nuts," he says. "That whole scene was so fun and it was fun. Jonny and Ari are so funny, they're just an incredible duo and they're so funny individually."

"What you can't see is that even in the shots that I'm not in, I'm like, just right here [off camera]," he continues. "I'm just like really close by just out of frame which is like a little Easter egg just for me, you know, watching it and be like, 'Oh I was there!' But I just got to sort of be around in their orbit. They're magnetic, both of them."

While his character Boq spends the whole film nursing a huge crush on Glinda, Ethan Slater actually swept Ariana Grande off her feet IRL. The duo made headlines when they reportedly coupled up while filming, but Ethan says he still feels like a middle schooler when it comes to romance — and that "just existing" means he embarrasses himself in front of his crushes.

"I definitely am a person who suddenly can't speak or just be like, 'Oh my God, good morning and thank you for coming,'" he says, pretending to tear up. "That is kind of my MO and always has been. I think I've never left the place of feeling like a 7th grader." I guess we're all just fools in love!

"Dancing Through Life" is just one number Wicked fans have been looking forward to — "Popular" and "Defying Gravity" are two of the most recognizable showtunes, and they're so recognizable that a line from "Defying Gravity," "Everyone Deserves The Chance To Fly," became the tagline for the film.

"The message that 'what makes us different makes us unique' is really powerful, and I think it's two-fold," Ethan Slater says. "One is, it's empowering to each person that you do deserve it, you deserve happiness, you deserve to be seen and you deserve to do the great things that you want to be doing. But also as a directive, you know, the way that we treat others. It's not just me that deserves that, it's you. And making sure that you treat others the way that you would want to be treated, or to acknowledge the humanity in others that it's so easy to acknowledge in yourself. So I think it's both things. I think it's both empowering and it's like a good way to treat people."

What does Ethan pick when he wants to sing? (No, it's not Spongebob). "Honestly, if I just want to like belt at the top of my lungs, I go to Jesus Christ Superstar. I do "Heaven On Their Minds." It's so good. It's incredible. Talk about a great movie musical."

While the fan (and theatre kid) reactions have been incredible so far, Ethan Slater says he loved talking to the original Wicked cast. "I've become very close with Chris Fitzgerald, who was the original Boq and with Norbert Leo Butz who is the original Fiyero," he says. "So after they saw it, I got to talk with them a little bit about what it was like to see and that was really meaningful. Not just because they're friends of mine and not just because I look up to them, but because it meant a lot to me that I took care of Boq, this role that Chris created. And he's, the best of the best so that was really cool."