This Is Why Modern Marriage Has Never Been Harder or Better

1. What to say if your romantic partner makes you question whether you saw inappropriate texts on their phone

If I had things my way, gaslighting would be outlawed. Unfortunately, some people just can't seem to take responsibility for their actions, and they really love to make it everyone else's problem. Even more infuriatingly, it can appear in romantic relationships when one person is caught doing something that breaches the trust between them and their partner.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend spins a tale that makes you question what you’re sure you saw, try not to panic. Instead, take a page from Beaupre’s book. She suggests saying, “I’ll stand by what I know is true. If we need to agree to disagree, that’s fine, but I’m not going to let this change what I know or how I feel.”

She says doing this “shows them you’re not going to be swayed or pulled into their ‘game.’” It also helps “keep you grounded and firm, making it clear that their gaslighting isn’t going to work.” The more you stand your ground, the more someone is “less likely to continue trying to manipulate/control you,” according to her.

2. What to say when a friend keeps lying about their accomplishments

This is a tricky one because you probably know one of your friends likes to embellish the truth a bit. It’s one of the things that used to be funny because they could always come up with a story on the spot. But, it can be confusing if you notice your friend tends to lie about something they’ve accomplished. Just don’t think you have to go out of your way to expose them though.

Beaupre says, “If it’s not harming anyone, sometimes it’s okay to leave it alone because, eventually, the truth will catch up to them anyway, and they will learn their lesson on their own.” But she says if you notice “their lies are causing major problems or hurting others,” speak up “gently.”

“You can ask them why they feel the need to lie, and if there’s something they’re struggling with that they might want to talk about,” she continues. Her suggestion is to say, “I’ve noticed that sometimes, you say things that don’t really add up, and I’m just wondering if there’s a reason. Is everything okay?”

3. What to say when someone complains about you setting boundaries

If there’s one thing a narcissist can’t stand, it’s boundaries. If you know someone who has a tendency to overreact when you set them, Beaupre knows what you can say to them. “I’m not okay with how you’re reacting. If you can’t respect my limit, then I’m going to have to take a step back and distance myself,” she suggests.

She feels “this makes it clear that you’re serious about your boundaries.” Also, it signals that you “won’t let their reaction change what you need to feel respected, safe and secure.”

4. What to say if someone utters "I love you" after a few weeks of dating

If only some of us would’ve asked this question during some of our prior relationships, we may have avoided unnecessary heartbreak. Should you find yourself faced with someone’s eager declarations of love early on, Beaupre wants you to “to be honest about how you feel and not feel pressured to say it back if you’re not ready.”

5. What to say when someone makes light of something or someone you're grieving

This reminds us of one of the relationship red flags we recently dug into. We know why people say passive-aggressive things, but it's still painful no matter what the situation is. In the case of grieving, it's a hard no for us. Beaupre says, “In times like this, when you’re going through a lot of heavy emotions, it’s important to set a boundary for your peace.”

If you feel yourself questioning whether your feelings are valid, Beaupre says not to do that. "Don't let others downplay/dismiss what you’re feeling or going through, especially if it's something that's really taking a toll on you." What she urges you to say is, "I know you may not fully understand, but this is really important to me, and I need you to respect that.” In her opinion, it's a way of letting that person "know you're serious about protecting your emotional space without being confrontational."

And if they're still being a grade-A jerk about it? It may be time to limit the time you spend with them.

6. What to say if someone uses 'jokes' to constantly critique your appearance

We think laughter is good for the soul, but not at the expense of hurting other people's feelings. This means no one should have the luxury of repeatedly commenting about the way you present yourself. Beaupre says, "If the way you look, what you’re wearing or how you speak isn’t hurting anyone, they really shouldn’t be commenting on it." Should you notice this unfortunate pattern in someone close to you, it's time to address it.

Beaupre wants you to try saying, "I’m fine with how I look and speak. You can let me know if there's a problem, but please don’t make me feel bad about it." That way, you can "set a clear limit about what you won't tolerate," according to her. She believes it's also a "chance to share any concerns without crossing into criticism or bullying."

Still, someone who refuses to stop disguising their obvious issues with you as harmless 'jokes' isn't someone who deserves a long-term spot in your life.

1. You're never sure what kind of mood your parents will be in before you walk in the living room or kitchen.

Let's put this on record: parenting is tough — especially on top of trying to maintain a work-life balance. But, this doesn't mean you're meant to be unsure of what to expect every time you come around your parents. If you have to "'read the room'" a lot "before speaking," Slavens indicates this is one of the more subtle signs of dysfunction.

This is where you may have learned how to become passive-aggressive if that's something you struggle with. The reason for this is because "clear and direct communication is avoided and/or seen as bad or aggressive," according to Dr. Miller.

2. You tend to feel like you're constantly compared to and in competition with your siblings.

My heart truly wants to believe this isn't intentional behavior from parents, but I can't say I haven't heard people talk about feeling like they'd never measure up to the 'golden child' of their family. You may have felt insecure about your grades, the college you chose to go to, your career goals, or even your physical appearance. Slavens says this "struggle with self-worth or second-guessing yourself constantly" is yet another sign that your family's dynamic wasn't the healthiest.

Also, Dr. Miller says this could've caused you to learn to "shrink yourself in the presence of loved ones." Even worse, you may "feel the need to hide pieces of yourself in order to be loved and accepted."

3. There was constant yelling and screaming during arguments, making you fearful of disagreements or hardships.

If you grew up in a home where arguments always led to screaming and yelling, chances are you're not a fan of loud voices or hard moments. Honestly, Slavens says it's not hard to believe that "conflict make you anxious, even when it’s minor." Unsurprisingly, you may have become a referee during these arguments and currently find yourself being a mediator in your platonic or romantic relationships. Why?

Dr. Miller says, "You constantly feel the need to manage everyone else’s emotions often at the cost of your own needs and wellbeing." You know, to keep the peace.

Here are some more obvious signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family

4. You had to take on a parental role when one of your parents decided to stop being an adult.

I imagine that having an emotionally immature parent is one of the most aggravating and stressful things to deal with. Not only that, but you may have had to help keep the household afloat. You may have had to get a job or two to help pay bills, listening to an adult conversation as your mom or dad laid their problems at your young feet, and more!

If you "family roles were flipped" and you "maybe had to parent your own parents," Slavens says this is a form of emotional dysfunction.

5. You weren't allowed to go anywhere with your friends because your parents wanted to keep an eye on you at all times.

Slavens says boundaries that "didn't exist" or "were rigid and controlling" is a sign your home was a little...interesting. Being concerned about your whereabouts is one thing, but it's another when you're unable to do anything without your parents' eagle-eyes on you. Something as simple as going to the mall with your friends may have become a lecture about the dangers of shoplifting or car wrecks. Again, these are valid concerns but they shouldn't be treated like the verbal form of doom scrolling.

6. You consistently witnessed one of your parents abuse alcohol or drugs at home.

This is a tough because substance abuse is so prevalent in varies socioeconomic statuses and communities. From the functioning alcoholic to the one who becomes belligerent after they've had too much to drink, it always affects those around them. Slavens says if "there was ongoing neglect, substance abuse, or verbal/physical aggression," your home probably didn't safe.

I recognize some of these signs of a dysfunctional family. But that doesn't mean they're affecting my current relationships, right?

I hate to break it to you, but it's possible your childhood wounds have shown up before. "Dysfunctional dynamics don’t stay in childhood — they tend to creep into how you connect with others," says Slavens. Similarly, Dr. Miller agrees that "we typically repeat what we learned at home with our families in our other relationships." How?

"This includes the beliefs and rules we follow, often completely subconsciously, about what can and can’t talk about and why, as well as what emotions are allowed to be expressed, who can express them and how, and how we should or must respond to those people and their emotions," explains Dr. Miller.

Another way to look at this is how Slavens has outlined it:

In Platonic Relationships:

1. Overextending yourself to please others, even at your own expense
2. Feeling like you have to "earn your friends' affections.
3. Avoiding vulnerability because it feels unsafe.

In Romantic Relationships:

1. Struggling to trust your partner or feeling overly suspicious
2. Repeating patterns like dating people who are emotionally unavailable or controlling.
3. Feeling overly responsible for your partner's happiness — or relying on them for yours.

OMG! How do I unlearn habits from my dysfunctional family?

Honestly, everyone has a few bad habits they've carried from their childhood to adulthood. You're not an outlier because some things weren't 100% normal so I don't want you to feel like you're a failure for not having having it all together. "Dysfunction doesn’t have to define your future relationships," Slavens assures. Dr. Miller says you can start to unlearn things "that aren't working for you anymore" by "gathering your family's larger context to gain insight into how and why, for them, the behaviors make sense."

By taking a look at your family's "history and larger social and political contexts" gives you a chance to "see them as whole people with full lives," she says. Once you do that, she believes "you can examine what pieces make sense for you to keep and what parts you'd like to learn to do differently." Her other suggestion? Don't forget you're ability to utilize a "therapist who works systemically, like an LMFT" who "can be a huge support in this process."

Slavens' tips include the following:

1. Practice self-awareness: Notice when a response feels automatic — like people-pleasing or shutting down during conflict — and ask yourself, Is this helping me, or is this a leftover habit from the past?
2. Set boundaries: If your childhood lacked healthy boundaries, learning to say “no” without guilt is a game-changer. Boundaries protect your energy and teach others how to treat you.
3. Learn healthy conflict skills: If conflict made you feel unsafe growing up, it’s natural to avoid it. But healthy conflict is necessary in relationships. Practice expressing your needs calmly and directly.
4. Therapy, therapy, therapy: A good therapist can help untangle the messy, “weird” things that got normalized and give you tools to rebuild healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
5. Surround yourself with healthier models: Whether it’s friends, mentors, or books/podcasts, seek examples of functional relationships and start observing what feels different.

While you're busy unlearning things, Dr. Miller also wants you to remember something. "Recognize that how your family does something is simply that; how your particular family system figured out and were taught to navigate the world. It isn’t inherently right because you’ve normalized it nor is the way another person or family does it inherently wrong," she says.

1. Start simple and make them a personalized card.

Nothing communicates your love, time, and effort behind a gift more than personalized cards. Even if you can’t DIY the gift itself, having a handmade card (with a thoughtful message inside) as a prelude to the unwrapping ritual will touch everyone’s heart. Make sure to craft yours on some hardy cardstock so they feel *extra* special. Peep some of these stellar holiday card ideas for inspiration!

@miascozycorner i inadvertently seem to have to fallen into a purple theme?? #christmascrafts#diychristmasdecor#diychristmasornaments#claycreations#tiktokdiy#christmas♬ original sound - mia 🍒

2. Sculpt some cutie gift toppers.

Handmade gift wrapping elements will also step up your holiday game. These darling little gift toppers that @miascozycorner made out of polymer clay are sure to inspire your own designs! Decorate the shapes you make with paint pens and coat them in Liquitex for durability, then attach them to your gift box or bag using some cute ribbon or yarn.

3. Use air-dry clay to make picture holders.

Clay is your BFF for making handmade gifts. This idea from @rileyrosestudio lets your giftee display pictures, memories, cards, or even recipe cards in the form of their favorite food! Go for a trendier take by sculpting an olive or tomato out of air-dry clay, or opt to craft something as intricate as a burger or pizza slice – no matter what shape it is, they’re sure to love it. Riley usesgesso to prime her air-dry clay pieces, then an acrylic sealant to make sure those lovely designs stay put.

4. Make an orange garland for them.

A dried orange garland takes an entire day (and sometimes more) to make, so your recipient should definitely feel special knowing you put hours of love into this handmade gift. Though they look intricate, you only need to follow a few steps (and have few materials: orange slices, twine, and a thick yarn needle) to achieve the cozy garland. Luckily, there are tons of citrus garland tutorials on social media to assist in your creation. B+C Creative Assistant, Meredith, tied cutie little pink ribbon bows on her homemade garland.

5. Craft a candle holder using clay.

6. Make coasters out of air-dry clay and gift them alongside thrifted glassware.

To make some handmade coasters, roll out some air-dry clay, let it dry, and coat it with gesso before you get to painting! The canvas is yours with this gift idea, but here are a few concepts to get the creative juices flowing: smiley faces, rainbows, spirals, initials, and fruits or vegetables. Ensure that your hard work stays in place with a sealant that’ll repel moisture. Some thrifted glassware pieces to give alongside your handmade coasters would be the absolute cherry on top!

7. Create a collage out of old magazines.

Magazines are really not hard to come by, and if you're looking for a sustainable gift, you can find some especially unique ones at re-sell bookstores or thrift stores to make your own collage. Some of the best ones to start with are Vogue and National Geographic. There are a lot of different techniques and themes you could run with, so we recommend doing some visual research on Pinterest beforehand to nail down your collage's concept. Maybe it's full of imagery that reminds you of your relationship, or a jumble of words that form a sweet poem – it's really up to you! Just have glue, an X-Acto knife, and a cutting board on-hand for the process. Complete this artsy handmade gift by signing your work and framing the collage in a nifty frame.

8. Thread a handmade necklace using thrifted or secondhand beads.

Got a necklace you don’t love? Deconstruct that baby using small wire cutters or scissors so that you can use the leftover beads and charms to make something entirely new! If you don’t have them on-hand already, you will need some beading cord, bead clamps, jump rings, clasps, and pliers.

9. DIY your very own body care line.

Making your own body scrubs or balt salts is *a lot* easier than you’d think. Some recipes only call for ingredients you’d find in your kitchen! Make a range of self-care products at home, then package them up in thrifted jars with ribbon and a handmade tag to really impress.

10. Repurpose cans and tins by pouring candles into them.

Fish tin candles are in, but you can really use any vessel to pour your own candles in. All you need is some candle wax, wicks, and a scent of your choice to create something super unique! Try your first handmade candle with an empty, clean tinned fish tin, then get adventurous with soda cans or crushed tomato cans to bring out that Tomato Girl energy for your gift recipient.

11. Make a batch of jam.

12. Make a batch of spice mix.

13. Make a batch of chili oil.

14. Knit or crochet a hat, scarf, or another garment you know they’d like.

Having knitting and/or crochet skills is invaluable when it comes to gifting season. You can easily find patterns online for creating beanies, blankets, scarves, leg warmers, balaclavas, mittens, and more, so your giftee can stay stylishly warm beyond the holidays in a bespoke garment that *you* made!

15. Make magnets out of air-dry clay for their fridge.

16. Paint a glass bottle with your own design to gift a plant cutting.

You can easily thrift a glass vessel (or use one you already have), paint a unique design on it using glass paint, then fill it with a little bit of water to gift a small plant cutting! This way, you’re giving them a stylish home decor piece along with a heirloom piece of nature that they’ll admire every day as it grows.

17. DIY an ornament (or a few) for them.

18. Burn a CD full of tracks they’d like.

It may seem a little old-school now, but the gift idea of burning a CD will appeal to every gift recipient that’s old enough to remember portable CD players. They can play it in their car or through their at-home speaker system to jam out. Just grab a pack of blank CDs that come with covers, and let the nostalgic process take you away.

19. Bake them a big batch of cookies.

You just can’t go wrong with sweets during the holidays! Whatever form they come in – vegan, gluten-free, paleo – cookies are sure to satisfy your giftee. We have a ton of recipes you could check out (I highly recommend the Taylor Swift chai cookies), but if you already have a method to your madness, whip up whatever dessert recipe you have in mind. Just make sure they’re fairly fresh when you hand them over.

20. Decorate a plant pot with pops of color.

If your gift recipient has a green thumb, it’s not a bad idea to gift them a few plant-related things. Luckily, handmade gifts have a stake in this – just grab a terracotta pot (you can easily thrift one or find one for cheap at the dollar store) and some chalk pens, then decorate the exterior however you like.

To get some ideas flowing, you could include illustrated motifs of your relationship with this person, write their name out in bubble letters, or just doodle random designs. Matching their interior design aesthetic is definitely recommended.