Experiencing rough patches with your partner can make you wonder, "Am I in a codependent relationship?" — especially when those arguments revolve around feeling like you're responsible for their problems. It's something I've asked myself several times throughout my relationship before my S.O. and I chose to go to couples therapy. (It happens, and it helps!).
It's obvious that therapy speak has become popularized (and sometimes weaponized) on social media, but it's better to rely on a licensed professional's insights than always take matters into your own hands. That's where licensed mental health counselor Jessica Lamar, Psy.D, LMHC, LPC, CPTT comes in. She has all the info you need to recognize the difference between a healthy relationship and a codependent, how to recognize if you or your partner have codependency tendencies, and more.
What are signs of a healthy relationship?
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Before we jump into how to recognize you're in a codependent relationship, I think it's important to talk about what a healthy one looks like.
Lamar says, "Healthy relationships are all about mutual respect and support," before outlining the five components they're made of.
- Strong Communication: You feel comfortable talking openly and honestly with each other, even about difficult topics. You listen actively and try to understand each other's perspectives.
- Trust and Respect: You trust each other's judgment and intentions. You value each other's opinions and feelings, even if they differ from your own.
- Healthy Boundaries: You both have a sense of independence and individuality while still being committed to the relationship. You respect each other's need for time with friends and family and for personal pursuits.
- Support and Encouragement: You celebrate each other's successes and offer encouragement during challenges. You support each other’s goals and dreams while also maintaining your own individual identities and interests.
- Healthy Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are inevitable, but healthy relationships approach them in a calm and respectful manner. You focus on finding solutions together rather than blaming or criticizing each other.
What are codependent relationships?
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Now that we know more about healthy relationships, it's time to peel back the layers of codependency. It can be confusing if you're seeing the term on social media without fully understanding what it means.
One thing Lamar says is that "All relationships require some level of give and take, but when there is an imbalance, that may be a sign of codependency." The question is what does that mean exactly?
"A person with codependent tendencies is someone deeply impacted by another person's actions and can become fixated on trying to control their behavior," she explains. Ironically, this is actually really common in relationships. She further explained that an estimated 10% to 20% of people have codependent traits, but it's not easy to figure out how much it affects people due to other factors.
"...it often overlaps with other mental health conditions and varies widely among different populations. This makes it difficult to compare studies. Also, codependency can exist on a spectrum from mild to severe. Someone might exhibit some codependent traits without meeting the criteria for a full-blown issue," Lamar says.
However, she did say codependency is more common in the following scenarios:
- People who have experienced early-life trauma
- People in relationships with someone struggling with addiction
- People who have specific personality traits like anxiety or low self-esteem
As with anything where we feel like we're oversharing or going the extra mile to offer reassurance, this can cause us to feel more stress than we should. Lamar agrees and says, "It's important to recognize that these relationships often feel one-sided and can lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional distress. Codependency can also develop in various relationships, romantic or not."
How can two people recognize if they're in a codependent relationship?
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So, how do you know if you're in a codependent relationship or not? Like my therapist once told me, patterns tell the truth whether we want them to or not.
"These may include a lack of boundaries, where one person is consistently giving more than they are receiving. One partner may feel a persistent need to fix or rescue the other, leading to an imbalance of power and responsibility," Lamar points out.
Remember what she said about relationships being give or take? It turns out there's a such thing as doing too much giving or caring to the point of thinking you have the power to eliminate every single problem someone has. Also, you or your partner may have been doing certain things just to keep the peace in your relationship.
Ultimately Lamar says, "If the happiness or stability of the relationship depends overwhelmingly on one person’s actions or emotional state, it’s a strong indicator of codependency."
Are there steps couples can take to change the nature of their codependent relationship?
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We're not here to scare you into thinking you have to break up with your partner if you recognize any of these signs though. There's actually hope for you to create a healthier dynamic, according to Lamar. They look like:
- Establishing Boundaries: Clearly defining and respecting each other’s personal boundaries is crucial.
- Developing Individual Interests: Encouraging and supporting each other in pursuing individual hobbies and interests can help maintain a sense of self.
- Improving Communication: Open and honest communication about needs, feelings, and concerns helps to build mutual respect and understanding.
- Seeking Therapy: Couples therapy or individual counseling can provide a safe space to explore and address underlying issues contributing to codependency.
- Practicing Self-Care: Both partners should prioritize their own well-being, ensuring they are mentally and emotionally healthy.
She wants you to remember that "It's important to remember that change takes time and effort. Be patient and celebrate each other's progress."
Take it from someone who's been in a relationship for a decade — time and effort can make a difference if both people are committed to becoming healthier versions of themselves.
When should couples separate if they're in a codependent relationship?
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But, I know not all relationships have a fairytale ending. Some of them venture into harmful territory where a separation or breakup is not only inevitable, but also recommended. "Separation may be advised when efforts to address codependency are unsuccessful, and the relationship continues to be detrimental to one or both individuals' well-being," Lamar mentions.
The signs that it's time to end your codependent relationship are:
- Abusive Behavior: If there's any physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, separation might be crucial for safety and well-being.
- No Improvement: If one of the partners is not willing to work on the relationship or change codependent behaviors, separation might be necessary.
- Constant Unhappiness: If the relationship is causing constant unhappiness and one or both partners feel drained, it might be time to prioritize individual well-being.
If you feel like you're in a codependent relationship, it's best to seek the advice of a licensed therapist that can help you identify patterns that may be unique to you and your partner.
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