7 Distracting Communication Habits You Should Break Immediately

Alli Hoff Kosik
Jul 18, 2017

Communication — it’s pretty much the foundation for everything. Getting what you want at the office (and we all know you deserve that raise you’re asking for), resolving drama with your BFF, taking your romantic relationship to the next level: Strong communication habits are key in every aspect of your life. And while many of us make it a priority to learn how to play up our strengths, there are subtleties to dealing with other people that are easy to ignore. Enter Stacey Hanke, a career, branding, and communication coach who’s mentored C-suite executives and shared her insights as a keynote speaker all over the country. When it comes to communication strategies, Hanke’s witnessed the good, the bad, and the ugly firsthand — and some of the consistent shortcomings she’s observed aren’t the big-picture weaknesses you might expect.

“The majority of leaders I work with have distracting communication habits that sabotage their message and minimize their influence,” Hanke shares in her new book Influence Redefined. “They’re not aware of how they communicate.” So, what do we do about it? Hanke has provided us with a list of the most common distracting communication habits that she’s observed over the past decade and a half, in hopes that it will make each of us more aware of the less-than-stellar nuances of our exchanges with other people. The first step is admitting the problem, right? Here are seven behaviors that might be distracting your boss, bae, or bestie from the very important message you’re trying to communicate in any given situation. Getting these habits in check isn’t rocket science, so if you’re guilty of any of them, start paying closer attention to your own actions, and you can nip them in the bud!

1. Lack of Eye Contact: Even if you’re referring to notes or a printed presentation, make a point to look at your listener as much as possible. And please, please don’t check your phone mid-convo. Your Instagram feed can definitely wait until you’re finished.

2. Using Filler Words: Words like “uh,” “um,” “so,” “and,” “you know,” “okay,” “right,” “basically,” “actually,” and “well,” Hanke explains, “cause us to speak in paragraphs and to ramble.” Work on cutting to the chase and eliminating the fillers from your conversations.

3. Fidgeting: If you have a serious message to share, you’d better leave the fidget spinner at home. You should also resist the urge to play with pens, papers, or your split ends (anything but that!).

4. Using Distracting Volume or Tone: Hanke cites the following as examples of distractions: “speaking too soft or too loud, your voice trailing off at the end of a sentence because you’re trying to say too much on one breath of air, [and] uptalk — ending your sentences as if you’re asking a question.” Practice modulating your volume and tone ahead of time if you know it’s something you struggle with.

5. Overgesturing: Sometimes, it really is better to keep your hands to yourself. If your hands never stop moving — and your gestures don’t actually support what you’re trying to say — they’re probably going to distract from your words.

6. Sitting With a Closed Posture: When you cross your arms, clasp your hands in front of your body, lean, slouch, or keep your hands on your hips or in your pockets, you’re not exactly broadcasting an interest in open communication.

7. Constantly Moving: Even if you’re nervous, avoid pacing or shifting back and forth. It’s not a good — and by “good,” we mean “confident” — look.

What other behaviors do you find distracting when you’re trying to communicate? Tweet us @BritandCo!

(Photos via Getty)

6 Subtle (& Obvious) Signs You Grew Up In A "Dysfunctional Family"

Everyone deals with family issues, but some people had more dysfunctional childhoods than others. Are there ways to tell? According to family psychologist Caitlin Slavens of Mamapsychologistsand therapist Rachel D. Miller, Ph.D., LMFT of Hold The Vision Therapy, yes!

Slavens says, "As a family psychologist, I’ve seen how growing up in a dysfunctional family leaves its mark. Sometimes the signs are glaring, like obvious chaos or neglect." However, she said the signs can also be "more subtle" being that they're "things you don’t even realize were 'off' until you’re older." You may even "start noticing patterns in yourself or your relationships" if you've become retrospective, according to her.

Here are all the subtle signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family

1. You're never sure what kind of mood your parents will be in before you walk in the living room or kitchen.

Emma Bauso

Let's put this on record: parenting is tough — especially on top of trying to maintain a work-life balance. But, this doesn't mean you're meant to be unsure of what to expect every time you come around your parents. If you have to "'read the room'" a lot "before speaking," Slavens indicates this is one of the more subtle signs of dysfunction.

This is where you may have learned how to become passive-aggressive if that's something you struggle with. The reason for this is because "clear and direct communication is avoided and/or seen as bad or aggressive," according to Dr. Miller.

2. You tend to feel like you're constantly compared to and in competition with your siblings.

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My heart truly wants to believe this isn't intentional behavior from parents, but I can't say I haven't heard people talk about feeling like they'd never measure up to the 'golden child' of their family. You may have felt insecure about your grades, the college you chose to go to, your career goals, or even your physical appearance. Slavens says this "struggle with self-worth or second-guessing yourself constantly" is yet another sign that your family's dynamic wasn't the healthiest.

Also, Dr. Miller says this could've caused you to learn to "shrink yourself in the presence of loved ones." Even worse, you may "feel the need to hide pieces of yourself in order to be loved and accepted."

3. There was constant yelling and screaming during arguments, making you fearful of disagreements or hardships.

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If you grew up in a home where arguments always led to screaming and yelling, chances are you're not a fan of loud voices or hard moments. Honestly, Slavens says it's not hard to believe that "conflict make you anxious, even when it’s minor." Unsurprisingly, you may have become a referee during these arguments and currently find yourself being a mediator in your platonic or romantic relationships. Why?

Dr. Miller says, "You constantly feel the need to manage everyone else’s emotions often at the cost of your own needs and wellbeing." You know, to keep the peace.

Here are some more obvious signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family

4. You had to take on a parental role when one of your parents decided to stop being an adult.

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I imagine that having an emotionally immature parent is one of the most aggravating and stressful things to deal with. Not only that, but you may have had to help keep the household afloat. You may have had to get a job or two to help pay bills, listening to an adult conversation as your mom or dad laid their problems at your young feet, and more!

If you "family roles were flipped" and you "maybe had to parent your own parents," Slavens says this is a form of emotional dysfunction.

5. You weren't allowed to go anywhere with your friends because your parents wanted to keep an eye on you at all times.

Ketut Subiyanto

Slavens says boundaries that "didn't exist" or "were rigid and controlling" is a sign your home was a little...interesting. Being concerned about your whereabouts is one thing, but it's another when you're unable to do anything without your parents' eagle-eyes on you. Something as simple as going to the mall with your friends may have become a lecture about the dangers of shoplifting or car wrecks. Again, these are valid concerns but they shouldn't be treated like the verbal form of doom scrolling.

6. You consistently witnessed one of your parents abuse alcohol or drugs at home.

Ksenia Chernaya

This is a tough because substance abuse is so prevalent in varies socioeconomic statuses and communities. From the functioning alcoholic to the one who becomes belligerent after they've had too much to drink, it always affects those around them. Slavens says if "there was ongoing neglect, substance abuse, or verbal/physical aggression," your home probably didn't safe.

I recognize some of these signs of a dysfunctional family. But that doesn't mean they're affecting my current relationships, right?

Ron Lach

I hate to break it to you, but it's possible your childhood wounds have shown up before. "Dysfunctional dynamics don’t stay in childhood — they tend to creep into how you connect with others," says Slavens. Similarly, Dr. Miller agrees that "we typically repeat what we learned at home with our families in our other relationships." How?

"This includes the beliefs and rules we follow, often completely subconsciously, about what can and can’t talk about and why, as well as what emotions are allowed to be expressed, who can express them and how, and how we should or must respond to those people and their emotions," explains Dr. Miller.

Another way to look at this is how Slavens has outlined it:

In Platonic Relationships:

  1. Overextending yourself to please others, even at your own expense
  2. Feeling like you have to "earn your friends' affections.
  3. Avoiding vulnerability because it feels unsafe.

In Romantic Relationships:

  1. Struggling to trust your partner or feeling overly suspicious
  2. Repeating patterns like dating people who are emotionally unavailable or controlling.
  3. Feeling overly responsible for your partner's happiness — or relying on them for yours.

OMG! How do I unlearn habits from my dysfunctional family?

Antoni Shkraba

Honestly, everyone has a few bad habits they've carried from their childhood to adulthood. You're not an outlier because some things weren't 100% normal so I don't want you to feel like you're a failure for not having having it all together. "Dysfunction doesn’t have to define your future relationships," Slavens assures. Dr. Miller says you can start to unlearn things "that aren't working for you anymore" by "gathering your family's larger context to gain insight into how and why, for them, the behaviors make sense."

By taking a look at your family's "history and larger social and political contexts" gives you a chance to "see them as whole people with full lives," she says. Once you do that, she believes "you can examine what pieces make sense for you to keep and what parts you'd like to learn to do differently." Her other suggestion? Don't forget you're ability to utilize a "therapist who works systemically, like an LMFT" who "can be a huge support in this process."

Anastasia Shuraeva

Slavens' tips include the following:

  1. Practice self-awareness: Notice when a response feels automatic — like people-pleasing or shutting down during conflict — and ask yourself, Is this helping me, or is this a leftover habit from the past?
  2. Set boundaries: If your childhood lacked healthy boundaries, learning to say “no” without guilt is a game-changer. Boundaries protect your energy and teach others how to treat you.
  3. Learn healthy conflict skills: If conflict made you feel unsafe growing up, it’s natural to avoid it. But healthy conflict is necessary in relationships. Practice expressing your needs calmly and directly.
  4. Therapy, therapy, therapy: A good therapist can help untangle the messy, “weird” things that got normalized and give you tools to rebuild healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
  5. Surround yourself with healthier models: Whether it’s friends, mentors, or books/podcasts, seek examples of functional relationships and start observing what feels different.

While you're busy unlearning things, Dr. Miller also wants you to remember something. "Recognize that how your family does something is simply that; how your particular family system figured out and were taught to navigate the world. It isn’t inherently right because you’ve normalized it nor is the way another person or family does it inherently wrong," she says.

Slavens' final thoughts? "It’s not about blaming your family but recognizing how your experiences shaped you — and giving yourself permission to do things differently. You’re allowed to rewrite the script."

Visit the top signs to recognize if you have toxic friends on Brit + Co!

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Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner Are Getting Awfully Close Again Post-J.Lo Split

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner may have split back in 2015, but they're spending an awfully lot of time together as of late. Ben's latest divorce from Jennifer Lopez was the split heard 'round the world this summer, after giving us the ever-enigmatic 'Bennifer 2.0' and its whirlwind marriage. However, we would be lying if we didn't say we were so sad when he and our favorite 13 Going On 30star ended things almost a decade ago.

Jen and Ben share three children together, and have found a way to successfully co-parent together. But could they be back on their way to finding something more? These two seem to be out and about together quite a lot lately, and it's got us thinking: could Ben reunite with yet another Jennifer from his past? Here's what's going on!

Everything you need to know about Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner's latest outings together!

Page Sixreported that Jennifer and Ben were driving out in LA together this weekend, ultimately grabbing bagels and heading back to Ben's place. This outing comes after a source shared with PEOPLE that Jen and Ben are actually spending the holidays together this year.

"Jen truly just wants her kids to be happy. She will continue to make sure that they spend time together as a family and include Ben," the source said. "They have Christmas plans with the kids too. The kids enjoy when they all spend time together."

Christmas isn't the only holiday this former family of five will share this year. They all spent Thanksgiving together as well, and a source told Page Sixthat Ben Affleck "felt blessed" for that time together. Apparently, Ben feels like he "can just be himself" when he's with her. “Even though Ben and Jen have been split for a while now, he feels a certain level of comfort with her," the source said. “Ben has a strong relationship with Jen that will never dissipate because they have a lot of history together and she’s the mother of his kids.”

Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

Meanwhile, another source shared with PEOPLEthat Jen, Ben, and their kids all worked together at The Midnight Mission's Thanksgiving Street Fair this year. The source said, “They truly enjoy giving back to their community and cherishing quality time together as a family."

Right now, Jen's technically still dating John Miller, according to PEOPLE. However, we'd be remiss not to notice how close the former couple is at the moment. Could there be rekindled feelings? Is this the REAL second chance love story we deserve? Is it really just about the mutual respect these two have for each other — and their family? Definitely keeping an eye on this space to see what happens next!

Regardless of their romantic relationship status, it's honestly so nice to see Ben spending time with his family at the holidays. Thankfully his highly dramatized relationship with Jennifer Lopez didn't seem to harm any goodwill Ben has with his kids and ex-wife, and there's something really lovely about that! So, here's hoping this modern family has a happy, happy holiday season!

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How to Survive Thanksgiving With Your Unwoke Relatives

Did you leave your family Thanksgiving dinner last year feeling like you were the one who got carved up and digested? You weren't alone. In an increasingly polarized sociological climate, family events where opinions differ can feel fraught with high stakes and conflicting moral obligations. And if you're already dreading Thanksgiving because all of the brawlin' that's sure to go down, you might be considering opting out of the festivities entirely.

In our Teach Me Something New podcast, Alexandra Carter, Columbia law professor and mediation expert, talks to Brit and Anj about the powers of persuasion to get the results you want in a conversation. The key to the Thanksgiving political discussion? Listening, asking open questions, and finding some common ground.

Here's what you can do to make it through Thanksgiving when your relatives just keep being problematic and things get awkward...

"I might say something like, 'I hear that you're concerned about national security and that's what led me to have this viewpoint.' So sometimes using a little bit of focusing on what you have in common can help you to have a civil conversation and not have anybody throwing mashed potatoes across the table," says Carter.

Here are more expert-backed tips for navigating the holiday awkwardness, even if it's just via Zoom. Make stuffing your face great again this Thanksgiving by implementing our seven-step plan.

Askar Abayev

1. Choose your battles ahead of time.

You're not going to change everyone's opinion about all of the things over the course of a meal and a football game. You might want to show up ready for a duel of words with your Facebook-meme-king cousin, but that's just going to put your opinionated family member on the offensive from the moment you walk in. Decide ahead of time if there's one issue that you really cannot keep your mouth shut about if it comes up, and have two or three talking points ready that clarify your position on that topic. If your hot button does get pushed, your talking points will help you keep from making things personal.

2. Confer with the host.

If you feel comfortable with the person that's organizing or hosting Thanksgiving, speak to him or her in advance about how you can be on Team Keep the Peace. Most people aren't keen on a political brouhaha breaking out around their dinner table, so they'll probably be relieved to hear that you're on board and willing to help make the day go smoothly for everyone. Brainstorm some ideas about seating arrangements or wholesome activities to fill the idle family time that can lead to trading barbs.

Element5 Digital

3. Make it a game.

Caitlin Bergstein, a Boston-based matchmaker and relationship expert for Three Day Rule, suggests a fun twist on the swear jar concept. “If your family is up for the challenge, you can even make it a game. Each time someone mentions something political, they have to put a dollar in a jar (or take a drink, depending on how your family celebrates the holiday). At the end of the night, that cash can be put aside for the next family get together!"

4. Have a moment of silence.

Sometimes the idea of a quiet table can be intimidating (all those chewing noises!), but encouraging a moment of reflection among your holiday guests can actually be transformative. Whether you observe several seconds of silence in honor of relatives you've lost, as a way to silently acknowledge your individual blessings, or as an act of prayer or meditation, you've hopefully brought the room back to focus on each other's company and the gift that it is to be together.

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5. Be an active listener.

If your one doggedlypersistent aunt can't let go of her obsession with the latest political scandal, reconsider what she's actually trying to tell you. Chances are, it's not just about what she saw on the news. “Assume that your polarizing relative actually probably just wants to connect, feel respected, and reduce their own anxiety about holiday gatherings, and interpret even difficult behavior as such," advises Mary Fisher, a Salt Lake City psychotherapist who specializes in family relationships. “Express the desire to connect while redirecting the conversation," Fisher recommends. Emphasize the fact that you're interested in protecting the time your family spends together. That can help soften the blow when you ask to instead hear them share a family memory or talk about a hobby you both share.

6. Disengage.

Remember that if angry words or offensive language start flying at you across the sweet potato pie, you don't have to respond. Have a script in mind to use, something like, “While I hear where you're coming from, I don't share your opinion, and I'm done talking about it today." Convey the message that you're quite clear on the matter being discussed, and you're not going to take the bait. You may have to repeat yourself several times, or you may choose to remain silent until things cool down around you. Either one is okay.

7. Duck out early.

If you feel like you have to retreat from the situation entirely, do it. One of the best things about being an adult is leaving when you want to leave. You don't have to subject yourself, your spouse, or your family to any kind of dialogue that is insulting, bigoted, or aggressive. Fisher shares these words of advice: “While we might think that the holidays are the time to resolve differences, they are actually the time to affirm and nurture connection, which can be an uphill battle with politically polarizing relatives." If you don't feel like a connection is being nurtured and the environment is not good for you to be in, say goodbye and make a break for it.

Looking for more holiday help this year? Be sure to sign up for our weekly newsletter so you never miss a thing!

This article has been updated from a previous post.

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I Can't Handle How Cute The Latest Adorable 'Daisy Jones & The Six' Reunion Is

Deep breaths – Daisy Jones And The Six might actually return for Season 2. Even though the Amazon Prime show ended its first season on March 24, fans are demanding more of their favorite band of six, and TBH...we can’t blame them!

The show, which was set to be a limited series with one season, might return for more, according to cast member Josh Whitehouse (Eddie Roundtree). He uploaded a rather cryptic TikTok earlier this year that alluded to a potential second season, but our hopes of seeing a tour were dashed. But, not all hope is lost!

Here's what we know so far.

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Sadly, we won't be getting a Daisy Jones And The Six Tour due to the SAG-AFTRA actors' strike that halted many ongoing and new projects — bummer! Riley Keough took to Instagram to share the gloomy news where Reese Witherspoon commented, "Aghhhh! Still hoping for this live performance.. one day !!"

She's not the only one who's saddened over this news though. Other comments mimicked her sentiments and we can't help but long for what could've been. Let's keep our fingers crossed that someone will give the fans what we want later this year!

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Hm, funny thing happened today 😙🎸🎶🕺🏻🤭 #daisyjonesandthesix

Prior to this, Josh Whitehouse previously captioned an unavailable TikTok video “Just arrived at a rehearsal studio, to, uh, have a band practice with Daisy Jones and the Six. But we already finished the TV show, so why would we be doing that?” Whitehouse questioned.

Taylor Jenkins Reid, the bestselling author and co-producer of Daisy Jones and The Six (who also wrote some of our other favorite books, BTW) has “certainly thought” about a second season.

Reid and Executive Producer Brad Mendelsohn aren’t ruling anything out. “I think we’re in a really fortunate position where we have a story that is final, and has an ending that feels really good,” Reid said in an exclusive interview with Variety. “I would only open that back up if it felt like there was a story here that we have to tell. Have I been thinking about what that is? I certainly have.”

Fans have already flooded social media with demands for more of their favorite ‘70s show.

Daisy Jones and The Six is based on the novel by Jenkins Reid, which is loosely inspired by the tortured IRL romance of Fleetwood Mac’s Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham. The incredibly talented cast also produced an album, AURORA, which we truly cannot stop listening to.

In a TikTok posted by Sam Claflin (Billy Dunne), some of the Daisy Jones crew could be seen in a studio with guitars and mics in hand.

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Cooking.

This mysterious post followed the album “Special Gift to Our Fans,” which included two singles that initially debuted during the show. The releases were, “It Was Always You,” sung by leading lady Daisy Jones (Riley Keough) and a second rendition of “Aurora,” which was performed by the whole band on Saturday Night Live.

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THE RIVER FT SIMONE WHEN?? 💳 💥💳💥💳💥 also whoever authorized this release I hope you live a long, happy life. #daisyjonesandthesix #djats #daisyjones #billydunne #foryou #daisybilly #daisybilly #booktok #rileykeough #djandthesix #samclaflin #itwasalwaysyou #amazonprime

The rumors of a rumored tour circled ever since the show aired, and cast members shared their thoughts on taking the band from TV to real life.

“You know there’s rumblings…I don't know if we have anything in terms of a full tour, but there might be an opportunity for us to get together in places. So if anyone’s looking forward to something like that I’d say just, eh, keep an eye out,” Will Harrison (Graham Dunne) said in an interview. When asked if he received a call about a tour, Harrison replied, “I would absolutely answer the call in a second.”

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Will Harrison tells @saragoretv about an opportunity for “Daisy Jones & The Six” to play live. Plus, he tells us what he thinks about going on tour. #NewYorkLive #WillHarrison #DaisyJones #daisyjonesandthesixshow #daisyjonesandthesix @daisyjonesandthesix

Since an IRL tour isn't happening any time soon, we'll be on the lookout for a second season of our favorite band.

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suki waterhouse bringing out camila morrone at new york n1 AHHH #sukiwaterhouse #camilamorrone #daisyjonesandthesix #concerts #livemusic #newyork #nyc

You know what's better than a tour? Seeing Suki Waterhouse and Camila Morrone unite onstage again! They both looked so freakin' good with Suki wearing a cropped purple fur coat and metallic boots while Camila wore a pink, fur-trimmed, and shimmery number. As far as we can tell, Suki and Camila looked like they were excited to surprise unsuspecting fans.

Comments on the fun clip ranged from "THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME" to "This makes me want to rewatch Daisy Jones for the 4th time." All I can say is something about seeing Suki and Camila share a carefree moment is making my heart smile.

Tell us, Brit + Co readers, what do you think about Daisy Jones and the Six? Do you think a follow up is in our future?

Stay updated on all things entertainment with Brit + Co.

This post has been updated.

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'The Holiday' Cast Would Actually "Love" To Do A Sequel (& Kate Winslet Has The Perfect Idea)

The Holiday movie ending might tie the whole story with a perfect bow, but that hasn't stopped fans from hoping for a sequel! (Although, I'm not sure what kind of drama a sequel might bring...and I don't want Iris and Miles OR Amanda and Graham to go through anything else for crying out loud.) The cast has spoken on the idea of a The Holiday sequel more and more in recent years, and good news for any fans of the 2006 movie — the cast is totally open to The Holiday 2!

Here's what The Holiday cast members Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Jack Black, and Cameron Diaz have said about reuniting for a sequel.

'The Holiday' cast would "love" to revisit the characters.

Sony Pictures

It's been almost 20 years since The Holiday premiered and star Jude Law is super interested in seeing what the characters' lives look like in the 2020s. “I’d love to see where they’re at. I’d love to see where they were,” he says on Today. “I’m a yes. You need to check in with everyone else...I'll ask Kate."

“I think Graham still has cardigans and glasses, and reads,” he adds in an interview with E! News. “He’s probably worried sick 'bout the girls, right? The daughters will be 28, 29.”

Kate Winslet has also imagined that, post-The Holiday, Iris and Miles would have settled down and started a family. “It would be so fun to see Miles and Iris get back together,” she told Entertainment Tonight at the premiere of Avatar: The Way of Water in 2022. “I kind of imagine, like, how cute would their children be?…Tiny Jack Blacks running around everywhere.”

And as for her onscreen beau Jack Black? Well, he already has the perfect sequel title idea: “Once in a while, I slide into Nancy Meyers’s DMs and say, ‘Holiday 2: Electric Boogaloo. Anyone with me?’” he joked in a Vanity Fair interview last December.

Cameron Diaz spills on why the original film is so special.

I'm so torn on whether I'd want a sequel to The Holiday because a huge part of its charm, and its nostalgia, is that it's like a time capsule for the early 2000s — and specifically a time right before iPhones and social media changed the world forever. It's a comforting movie to put on that really feels like balm for my soul on days my mind feels heavy. Plus the fact the movie is a standalone film makes it feel more special!

"People look at Nancy's movies as a statement, in a way," Cameron Diaz said in a 2020 interview with Vulture. "It's set in the real world, but it's like, 'Who's getting on first class, and flying, and taking this cute little cottage in the middle of England?' Who gets to do that? You always wish that was you."

"When people watch The Holiday, it's just so aspirational," she continues. "They're like, 'One day, I'll be able to do that.' It's almost like a modern-day Prince Charming, but not a helpless princess. It's more like the fully capable princess who could have whatever she wants, but she can't have it until she breaks open her heart and is vulnerable, and lets in the right man. And not just Prince Charming, but the guy who's actually capable of showing up in all the ways she needs him to."

The Holiday shows that the most important part of, not just the holiday season but life in general, is being surrounded by the people we love. It truly feels like a modern storybook fairytale that proves dreams you were too afraid to wish could actually come true. And THAT's the true magic of Christmas.

Would you want to see a sequel to The Holiday or would you rather the movie remain a standalone film? Let us know in the comments and check out 20 Brand New Christmas Movies To Add To Your Calendar!

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