Going Through A Friendship Breakup Is Awful — Here's How You Can Feel Better In The End

1. You're never sure what kind of mood your parents will be in before you walk in the living room or kitchen.

Let's put this on record: parenting is tough — especially on top of trying to maintain a work-life balance. But, this doesn't mean you're meant to be unsure of what to expect every time you come around your parents. If you have to "'read the room'" a lot "before speaking," Slavens indicates this is one of the more subtle signs of dysfunction.

This is where you may have learned how to become passive-aggressive if that's something you struggle with. The reason for this is because "clear and direct communication is avoided and/or seen as bad or aggressive," according to Dr. Miller.

2. You tend to feel like you're constantly compared to and in competition with your siblings.

My heart truly wants to believe this isn't intentional behavior from parents, but I can't say I haven't heard people talk about feeling like they'd never measure up to the 'golden child' of their family. You may have felt insecure about your grades, the college you chose to go to, your career goals, or even your physical appearance. Slavens says this "struggle with self-worth or second-guessing yourself constantly" is yet another sign that your family's dynamic wasn't the healthiest.

Also, Dr. Miller says this could've caused you to learn to "shrink yourself in the presence of loved ones." Even worse, you may "feel the need to hide pieces of yourself in order to be loved and accepted."

3. There was constant yelling and screaming during arguments, making you fearful of disagreements or hardships.

If you grew up in a home where arguments always led to screaming and yelling, chances are you're not a fan of loud voices or hard moments. Honestly, Slavens says it's not hard to believe that "conflict make you anxious, even when it’s minor." Unsurprisingly, you may have become a referee during these arguments and currently find yourself being a mediator in your platonic or romantic relationships. Why?

Dr. Miller says, "You constantly feel the need to manage everyone else’s emotions often at the cost of your own needs and wellbeing." You know, to keep the peace.

Here are some more obvious signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family

4. You had to take on a parental role when one of your parents decided to stop being an adult.

I imagine that having an emotionally immature parent is one of the most aggravating and stressful things to deal with. Not only that, but you may have had to help keep the household afloat. You may have had to get a job or two to help pay bills, listening to an adult conversation as your mom or dad laid their problems at your young feet, and more!

If you "family roles were flipped" and you "maybe had to parent your own parents," Slavens says this is a form of emotional dysfunction.

5. You weren't allowed to go anywhere with your friends because your parents wanted to keep an eye on you at all times.

Slavens says boundaries that "didn't exist" or "were rigid and controlling" is a sign your home was a little...interesting. Being concerned about your whereabouts is one thing, but it's another when you're unable to do anything without your parents' eagle-eyes on you. Something as simple as going to the mall with your friends may have become a lecture about the dangers of shoplifting or car wrecks. Again, these are valid concerns but they shouldn't be treated like the verbal form of doom scrolling.

6. You consistently witnessed one of your parents abuse alcohol or drugs at home.

This is a tough because substance abuse is so prevalent in varies socioeconomic statuses and communities. From the functioning alcoholic to the one who becomes belligerent after they've had too much to drink, it always affects those around them. Slavens says if "there was ongoing neglect, substance abuse, or verbal/physical aggression," your home probably didn't safe.

I recognize some of these signs of a dysfunctional family. But that doesn't mean they're affecting my current relationships, right?

I hate to break it to you, but it's possible your childhood wounds have shown up before. "Dysfunctional dynamics don’t stay in childhood — they tend to creep into how you connect with others," says Slavens. Similarly, Dr. Miller agrees that "we typically repeat what we learned at home with our families in our other relationships." How?

"This includes the beliefs and rules we follow, often completely subconsciously, about what can and can’t talk about and why, as well as what emotions are allowed to be expressed, who can express them and how, and how we should or must respond to those people and their emotions," explains Dr. Miller.

Another way to look at this is how Slavens has outlined it:

In Platonic Relationships:

1. Overextending yourself to please others, even at your own expense
2. Feeling like you have to "earn your friends' affections.
3. Avoiding vulnerability because it feels unsafe.

In Romantic Relationships:

1. Struggling to trust your partner or feeling overly suspicious
2. Repeating patterns like dating people who are emotionally unavailable or controlling.
3. Feeling overly responsible for your partner's happiness — or relying on them for yours.

OMG! How do I unlearn habits from my dysfunctional family?

Honestly, everyone has a few bad habits they've carried from their childhood to adulthood. You're not an outlier because some things weren't 100% normal so I don't want you to feel like you're a failure for not having having it all together. "Dysfunction doesn’t have to define your future relationships," Slavens assures. Dr. Miller says you can start to unlearn things "that aren't working for you anymore" by "gathering your family's larger context to gain insight into how and why, for them, the behaviors make sense."

By taking a look at your family's "history and larger social and political contexts" gives you a chance to "see them as whole people with full lives," she says. Once you do that, she believes "you can examine what pieces make sense for you to keep and what parts you'd like to learn to do differently." Her other suggestion? Don't forget you're ability to utilize a "therapist who works systemically, like an LMFT" who "can be a huge support in this process."

Slavens' tips include the following:

1. Practice self-awareness: Notice when a response feels automatic — like people-pleasing or shutting down during conflict — and ask yourself, Is this helping me, or is this a leftover habit from the past?
2. Set boundaries: If your childhood lacked healthy boundaries, learning to say “no” without guilt is a game-changer. Boundaries protect your energy and teach others how to treat you.
3. Learn healthy conflict skills: If conflict made you feel unsafe growing up, it’s natural to avoid it. But healthy conflict is necessary in relationships. Practice expressing your needs calmly and directly.
4. Therapy, therapy, therapy: A good therapist can help untangle the messy, “weird” things that got normalized and give you tools to rebuild healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
5. Surround yourself with healthier models: Whether it’s friends, mentors, or books/podcasts, seek examples of functional relationships and start observing what feels different.

While you're busy unlearning things, Dr. Miller also wants you to remember something. "Recognize that how your family does something is simply that; how your particular family system figured out and were taught to navigate the world. It isn’t inherently right because you’ve normalized it nor is the way another person or family does it inherently wrong," she says.

1. Whenever something good happens, your friend can't just congratulate you.

This is such a subtle sign that's easy to miss, especially if you've been friends with someone for a long time. It could be that the other person doesn't even realize they have a habit of finding ways to belittle something you're excited about. However, Dr. Hafeez says this person is toxic if "they make backhanded compliments or subtle digs that leave you feeling unsettled but unsure if you should call it out." Adding on to this, Bayramyan feels this is "passive aggressive" behavior and agrees you may be "uneasy" about drawing attention to it.

My first time experiencing a fallout from this was four years ago and I've never forgotten how shocked my nervous system felt when I shared something that was met with a backhanded compliment. I don't know if it was my heightened hormones during pregnancy that made me pay attention or if I'd finally caught on to how unhealthy that was, but I was distraught. Needless to say, that friendship didn't last much longer when I couldn't shake the feeling that something in our dynamic had changed.

2. They have a tendency to start arguments with other friends the second they feel offended.

Imagine you and your friends have decided to go to someone's house party or even a bar as a unanimous decision. It seems like everything's going well until you decide to get a late-night snack. While eating, one of your friends makes a joke that everyone else gets, but another friend thinks it's directed towards them. Instead of asking, the offended friend becomes belligerent and starts cursing while everyone else is confused about why the atmosphere changed.

If this has happened more times than you can count, you may be dealing with a toxic person. Dr. Hafeez says, "Small issues are often blown out of proportion, leaving you feeling drained by unnecessary conflict." The more this person succeeds at creating something out of nothing, the more they create "unnecessary tension" and can even "make friends take sides or get emotionally burned by endless conflict," adds. Dr. Hafeez.

Once that happens, say goodbye to the "group trust" because a toxic person is adept at destroying "a tight-knit group," according to Dr. Hafeez. Bayramyan calls them "emotional vampires" because they "suck the energy out of you and out of different situations." She says, "Their lives may seem to revolve around conflict, and they may bring negative energy into every interaction, draining those around them."

3. They find ways to make you feel like you're a bad friend if you can't always lend them money.

There's nothing wrong with supporting friends when they're in need, but lending them money can be difficult. Some people, especially those closest to us, feel entitled to our time, money, and attention regardless of if you're able to be there in the capacity they need. Dr. Hafeez says that people like this will find a way to "guilt-trip you into doing things or make you feel responsible for their emotions."

Bayramyan points out, "Toxic friends often expect you to meet all their emotional needs, while they offer little to no support in return, making the friendship one-sided."

4. They won't admit when they can't (or just didn't) contribute money towards a planned dinner or trip.

Some people don't like being accountable even if it's something small to take responsibility for. "When something goes wrong, they always find a way to blame you or someone else, never taking responsibility," says Dr. Hafeez.

Say you and your friends agree to go to dinner or take a road trip. After agreeing on somewhere to eat, plane tickets, an AirBnb, or activities, it seems like there's an understanding about the portion everyone needs to pay. However, there's always one person who waits until the last minute to admit they're unable to pay for something. This usually happens after dinner or right before a trip. Instead of them admitting they weren't honest about their financial situation, they find a way to weasel out of being responsible for their lack of planning or honesty.

5. They intentionally leave you out of certain group plans.

Our friends are likely going to have other friends we've never met or have heard about in passing, but that doesn't mean you won't get along with them. However, Dr. Hafeez knows that toxic people will "sometimes leave you out of group activities or plans, but do so in ways that feel unintentional or 'accidental.'" If that keeps happening, you can ask your friend what gives or decide to keep your distance.

6. Despite how many times you help them, they're never available when you need someone to watch your dog or help you move.

Dr. Hafeez says people who only "reach out when they need something," but become "distant or unresponsive when you need them" are displaying a toxic behavior. Bayramyan says, "They may withdraw support or become distant when you need them the most, yet expect you to be there for them unconditionally." She further explains, "Whether it's your time, energy, or personal boundaries, they often push past your limits in ways that feel disrespectful or invasive. These are boundary violations." It's like that one friend who's always asking for you to pick them up from work, only to ghost you when you need their help with something.

As much as I don't want you to have someone in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me you know or knew someone like this.

7. They can't stop talking about how people are always turning their backs on them.

If someone "frequently portrays themselves as the victim in every situation" while "never acknowledging their role in conflicts," they're probably toxic says Dr. Hafeez. It's actually not uncommon for people to develop this mindset, but it seems hard for them to break away from it. Some never do if we're being honest.

The best way to describe a person like this is to think about a friend who always feels like people turn their backs on them despite evidence showing that people have actually supported them despite many of their harmful actions or words. A person like this seems to expect unwavering loyalty and isn't interested in hearing that they're capable of being wrong.

Bayramyan says people like this truly "lack accountability" because "they rarely, if ever, apologize or take responsibility for their mistakes." Just like Dr. Hafeez says, Bayramyan agrees this makes people start "deflecting or blaming others."

8. They never seem to want to talk about anything related to your personal life (i.e. new job, engagement, favorite TV series, etc.), but love to hear themselves talk.

When "the conversation is always about them," Dr. Hafeez says toxic people "rarely show interest in your life or feelings." Friends like this always find a way to cut you off mid-sentence so they can talk about something that relates to them. It's not easy to stomach, but you may write it off as having an overly-eager friend.

9. They tend to downplay your wins and successes.

A toxic friend "won't celebrate your wins and often downplays or ignores your struggles," according to Dr. Hafeez. This may be rooted in their ability to properly support you or pure jealousy. Furthermore, she says a person like this may "subtly or openly compete with you or express envy instead of being happy about your achievements."

Have you ever had someone tell you a promotion wasn't a big deal because 'everyone gets a promotion'? Yeah...if one of your friends has something passive aggressive to say every time you're excited about something, it's time to ask yourself if it's really worth having them in your life.

10. They're snarky about your struggles, like breakups.

Everyone needs to take accountability for their actions, but it's odd if your friend is constantly criticizing you. If they seek ways to "constantly put you down, even under the guise of 'helpful advice,' Dr. Hafeez admits it's toxic behavior. There's no reason to call someone out of their name if you think they made an impulsive decision.

For example, your friend shouldn't be calling you a 'stupid b****' just because you dated someone you shouldn't have. We all make mistakes and sometimes this involves dating the wrong people. Based on my experience, I always feel like someone was looking for a way to call you something like that if they openly say it during a moment they're supposedly giving advice.

11. They openly diss a friend you have in common when that person isn't around

Let's be honest, a lot of people do this from church to family members. But if you've noticed your chosen friend consistently disses others when they're not around, it's a sign they're doing that with everyone. "They may even talk badly about you behind your back, show disloyalty in crucial moments, or side with others against you. There's inconsistent loyalty with toxic friends," says Bayramyan.

Not only that, but Dr. Hafeez says they could be "encouraging drama or division." Unfortunately, some people thrive on drama and love to include people in their misery.

Now that you know what toxic behavior is, here's how to redirect (or end) a friendship:

Ultimately, Dr. Hafeez says "toxic friends may cause dissension of friends by sowing seeds of doubt and animosity, often using manipulation or gossip to make others fight against one another." Your friends may even harbor sore feelings against you for refusing to see how much pain someone is causing. This stems from the toxic person's ability to "amplify insecurities by making some friends feel better or more important than others," she adds.

Toxic people have learned how to sway things in their favor in several ways. "By manipulating situations or twisting stories, toxic individuals can create misunderstandings or conflict between friends and turn friends against each other. They might intentionally pit friends against each other by comparing accomplishments or spreading jealousy, ultimately fostering resentment within the group," says Bayramyan.

Similar toe everything mentioned above, she says these people may control a friend group in the following ways:

1. Cancelling plans
2. Controlling group activities
3. Disrupting events

"Toxic friends may encourage clique-like behavior, subtly excluding certain people to create a hierarchy or division," says Bayramyan.

It's time to kick toxicity out of your inner circle and life. But how?

If you're noticing these sneaky signs in among your friendships, you may be ready to completely cut your certain people off. However, Bayramyan wants to stop and think first. "Before ending things, consider why the friendship feels toxic and how it's impacting your well-being. Reflect first, be sure of your reasons and consider whether reconciliation is possible," she says.

Her steps to ending a friendship involve:

1. Approach the conversation with empathy but clarity
2. Briefly explain your reasons without placing blame
3. After the breakup, set firm boundaries to avoid being pulled back in.
4. Avoid situations where you're tempted to engage in emotional conversations with them.

if you're having a hard time being upfront with you friend, Bayramyan says you can "reduce contact gradually" by being "kind but firm, explaining how the friendship no longer feels healthy." Honestly, I'd never recommend someone ghost their friend the way I did even knowing I didn't know how to properly handle the realization things weren't the same.

Of this Bayramyan says, "Some people may need closure, while others don’t. Understand what feels right for you—whether it’s a final conversation or cutting ties more gradually." Also, she wants you to lean on other friends, family, or a therapist to process the end of the friendship and to help reaffirm your decision."

More importantly, she says to '"allow yourself to grieve and move on without second-guessing your decision."

Here are five tips Dr. Hafeez has for you to get rid of toxic friends:

1. Set Clear Boundaries: If you're not ready to cut ties completely, start by setting firm boundaries—whether it's limiting contact, changing the nature of your interactions, or calling out specific toxic behaviors.
2. Be Honest but Respectful: If you choose to address the situation directly, be honest about why you're ending the friendship, but try to be calm and respectful rather than confrontational. Focus on how the relationship has affected you, rather than attacking them personally.
3. Keep It Short and Simple: You don't owe anyone an elaborate explanation. A straightforward "I don't think this friendship is healthy for me anymore" can be enough.
4. Don't Get Drawn into Arguments: Toxic friends may try to guilt-trip or argue with you. Stay firm in your decision and avoid getting dragged into emotional battles.
5. Prepare for Pushback: Be ready for them to resist or react negatively. They might try to manipulate you into staying or make you feel guilty, but stay confident in your decision.
6. Don't Feel Guilty: Ending an abusive friendship is self-love, not selfishness. It's okay to put your emotional well-being before keeping a toxic relationship.
7. Allow Time to Heal: After ending the friendship, give yourself time to process your emotions and heal. It might take some time to fully let go, but with support and reflection, you'll feel lighter and more at peace.

Keiko Agena has a complicated relationship with 'Gilmore Girls' character Lane Kim.

“I think what [the role] was for people was different than what it was for me,” she tells Juliet Litman on an episode of the Dear Felicity rewatch podcast (via People). “In a weird way, I feel like I want to honor the experience that people had from the show, and what it meant to them, especially young Asian people, because I get that comment a lot, about what it was like for them to see someone like that on screen.”

And it's no surprise that as much as Gilmore Girls viewers love Lane, Keiko "[loves] her too. I can tell, when I meet someone who knows Gilmore Girls or who loves Lane, it's like, I recognize that love. I see that you love that person."

But it's possible to hold two conflicting emotions at the same time, and although Lane Kim was an incredibly special role at the time, there are some things Keiko would do differently today. “The best thing is to have a Korean American writer [and a] Korean American actor,” she says. “I don't think that that role, cast that way, would happen today. But at that time, in 2000, it was such a different time that I definitely know I wouldn't have said no or pulled myself out of that situation at that time...Now it's just a mix of just having gratitude for having gone through that experience and having that experience.”

Keiko Agena also keeps in touch with two very special 'Gilmore Girls' costars!

And one aspect of Gilmore Girls that Keiko Agena is thankful for is her relationship with the Gilmore Girls cast! And there are two costars in particular she frequently keeps in contact with: John Cabrera (who played Brian) and Sean Gunn (who starred as Kirk).

“There is this kind of lovely nostalgia for that time, and yet also we have years since then,” she says. “I [have] gone to both of their weddings. Our friendship is part Gilmore Girls and appreciation for that crazy time, and then part just like a million other things that are just like friends.”

I was totally surprised to learn she keeps in contact with John and Sean (supposedly) more regularly than Alexis Bledel, but it makes sense when you remember Keiko, John, and Sean are all around the same age — and Alexis is 7 years younger. Hopefully we get another Gilmore Girls reunion to see our favorite television BFF's reunite!