Doing This Simple Act Can Boost Both Your and Your Loved Ones’ Emotional Well-Being

Are there really assigned roles in friend groups or am I just imagining things?

Like I said before, it can seem like you and your friends unintentionally gravitate toward certain 'roles.' It's not like anyone woke up one day and decided, "I'm going to be the 'mother hen' of the group," but it tends to happen. Why?

Paruolo says, "In my clinical work, I've consistently observed that our friendship roles often mirror our early family dynamics. These patterns show up naturally — think about who in your friend group gets the first crisis call, who plans all the gatherings, or who everyone turns to for emotional support." I'm willing to bet you thought of a name for each scenario — including yours — because I know I did!

"Like in families, we each fall into specific roles that feel familiar to us," Paruolo further explains.

What actually makes someone an empathetic person?

There's so many definitions for empathy, but I thought it would be wise to ask a licensed professional for her opinion on the matter. "Empathy means to feel what others are feeling. You do not have to have a personal direct experience with something to feel empathy for another person," shares Paruolo.

For example, your friend could call to tell you she has to have fibroid removal surgery and is feeling scared. You may have never had surgery, but you could find yourself feeling the need to comfort her in spite of this. Paruolo says, "The cool thing about our brains is that we have mirror neurons, which means part of our brain is set up to feel what others feel. The ability to attune to others' emotional states comes naturally to some people, while others may need to develop this capacity more consciously."

To break it down even further, here's signs that Paruolo says point to your empathetic nature.

Physical Signs:

• Getting physically exhausted after being in crowds
• Feeling drained after social interactions, even enjoyable ones (OMG I feel so seen!)
• Needing extra time alone to recharge

Emotional Signs:

• Absorbing other people's emotions like a sponge
• Feeling anxious or overwhelmed in emotionally charged environments
• Finding it hard to watch violence or cruelty in movies/TV

Social Signs:

• Feeling responsible for others' happiness
• Having trouble saying "no" to people who need help

Mental Signs:

• Picking up on subtle changes in others' moods
• Being highly attuned to body language and tone
• Finding it hard to distinguish your feelings from others' feelings

It sounds like I'm the empathetic friend, but are there any downsides to this?

I've been an empath for as long as I can remember and I've found that I have to 'recharge' my social batteries at times. I thought it was because I was trying to be superwoman by fixing others' problems, but it turns out theres more to it than that. Paruolo says, "Empathetic friends and people have an uncanny ability to sense others' emotional states even when unspoken, and frequently need recovery time after intense social interactions. They tend to be deeply affected by others' experiences and naturally consider situations from multiple perspectives."

In the long run, she says it can be "distressing" for some people to always feel the feelings of others. Over time, she says, "it can cause you to shut down and retract." This can look like not being as quick to respond to the funny memes your friends send you or not even answering their phone calls right away.

But, this doesn't mean you're the only person who tends to go through this. "Many empaths struggle with maintaining boundaries due to their deep emotional attunement," she says. Color me guilty because this sounds so much like me. It got so bad at one point that my sister nicknamed me 'Captain Save-A-Lot,' which is actually the clean version of what she truly meant. Still, empathy fatigue is no laughing matter nor does it mean you're defected. You just have the natural ability to show people their feelings are important to you.

How can I protect my peace as the empathetic friend?

You know you need to set boundaries, but what does that mean? Paruolo says, "The key is understanding that empathy needs to be balanced with compassion - it's not just about feeling others' emotions but also knowing how to help without depleting yourself."

One of the things she loves to do is "encourage empaths to set clear boundaries around their emotional availability and make time for regular grounding exercises." As with gratitude journaling, try to focus on an activity that calls for you to be present. Focus on what you can hear, see, touch, taste, and smell.

"Self-care isn't just a luxury; it's essential maintenance for empaths. This might mean scheduling alone time, finding a supportive therapist, or joining communities where you can process your experiences," Paruolo implores.

I know how to be there for others, but how do I ask for emotional support when I need it?

You may feel like it's impossible to ask others for help since your shoulders are the ones people cry on, but you're only doing yourself a disservice by not speaking up. No one's super resilient or able to handle all of their distressing feelings alone. We're not meant to.

It's the reason Paruolo wants you to speak up about what you need. "The most effective approach I've seen is being direct about your needs rather than hoping others will figure them out," she says. I made this mistake during postpartum and found myself expecting my family & friends to know exactly how I felt, but they're not mind readers. The more I verbally asked for help with little or big tasks, the more my mental and emotional load lightened.

Paruolo wants you to look at "asking for support as strengthening your friendships through trust and vulnerability, instead of waiting until you're overwhelmed." By the time you reach that point, you'll be ready to enter rage or full-blown shut down mode and they're not fun.

Avoid unlocking their proverbial doors by scheduling "regular check-ins with trusted friends," suggests Paruolo. "This creates a sustainable support system and helps prevent emotional crisis points.

Intentional Thoughts

I'm someone who has a hard time letting things go; I can agonize over one thought or situation for days! Because of this, I focus a lot on taking thoughts captive, which just means pinpointing anxious thoughts and replacing them with what I know is true.

When I have an anxious thought, I do a creative visualization exercise in which I imagine it's inside a bubble floating over my head. Then I slam an imaginary door over the memory and lock it. Then the bubble explodes and the thought doesn't exist anymore. It's not necessarily pretending like it never happened, but it does allow me to exercise some control over what I allow myself to spend time and energy thinking about.

—Choe Williams, Entertainment Editor

Breathing Techniques

My mom is a Pre-K teacher and suggested I try the breathing exercises she does with her kids who are just four years old (I'm 31 for context). The first is called Mountain Breathing, which entails holding up your hand and tracing the outline of your fingers. As you climb up the mountain (or your finger), inhale, and as you trace down into the valley between your fingers, exhale. Another breathing visualization she recommends is as you inhale, imagine yourself breathing in to smell the flowers, and exhale to blow out a candle. These little imaginative scenarios help me get out of my head and focus on my breathing when I need a little reset throughout the day.

Hammock Swinging

Whenever I'm feeling super stressed, I head for the hammock I setup in my front yard. Just as rocking can soothe babies, swinging in a hammock is a powerful soother for adults too! I feel super chilled afterwards and am usually getting some Vitamin D while I'm at it for a win-win.

Painting

During the pandemic, I revisited arts and crafts with soft pastels. I started mixing the colors and doing gradient shadings on card stock with my hands, and it proved to be a super meditative way to decompress. The end result is DIY art you can share or pin on your fridge or wall.

—Alison Ives, Head Of Content

Breathing Techniques

Nothing calms me down quite like alternate-nostril breathing. I first learned about this technique in my yoga classes, but the practice (called Nadi Shodhana in Sanskrit) dates back to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, which was thought to be written sometime between 200 BC and 200 CE. Put simply, you sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and cover one nostril while you breathe in through the other. Then, you switch which nostril you're holding closed, and breathe out. In modern times, the connection between vagal nerve tone (which is correlated with anxiety and emotional regulation) and alternate-nostril breathing is becoming more and more mainstream, which may eventually help us better understand why this practice is so naturally calming.

Tarot Reading

Tarot can mean a lot of different things to different people. For me, I use tarot cards as a method to help me understand what lessons I'm learning at any given time. This has allowed me to view stressors in my life as learning experiences, which has helped me stay calm in numerous crises. I personally like to light some incense or a scented candle, sit quietly, and pull a card to see what resonates. That said, tarot and its associated images and meanings can be scary or triggering if you don't have a deep and gentle understanding of what the cards mean. I recommend Lindsay Mack's classes and podcasts for anyone who wants to learn about tarot in a non-judgemental, non-predictive, trauma-informed way.

—Maggie McCracken, Former Senior Editor

Sensory Accessories

My recent ways of coping/de-stressing have primarily been spiky sensory finger rings, which are a huge help when I need to get something done and can't stop my day to destress. I grab one of these guys which I have all over the place (most of my jacket pockets + purses), and it helps to calm me down and reset my focus.

Meditation On The Move

Another thing I do that I am trying to integrate into my daily routine is guided meditation walks. As someone who hasn't mastered sitting meditation I've found some on Headspace that I'm enjoying that are specifically for going on a walk through a city.

—Claire Shadomy, Former Graphic Designer

Baths...

In times of high stress, or after a long day, my go-to is always a candle-lit bath soak. I put a large scoop of Epsom salts in the tub with a few drops of my favorite essential oil and place tea lights all around the tub. It’s like my secret getaway from the rest of the world. I always make a point to leave my phone in the other room too so I utilize the time to just relax in silence. Water triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body's “rest and digest” response. It always gets my heart rate and blood pressure down.

...And Sound Baths

Sound baths are a meditative experience where you’re “bathed” in sound waves. I love to watch them online but you can also create your own experience. I find meditating with a singing bowl so relaxing. It can take a little practice, but once you’ve nailed the hand movement, it’s an interactive way to ease stress and channel your focus elsewhere.

—Allison Cimo, Former Social Media Manager

Take A Hike

Pretty much every day in 2020 I walked the trails near my house and I started to pick up a small rock each time. I'd fidget with it while I cleared my mind and let nature calm my nerves. I would throw the rock back into nature after my hike and it felt like a release for all of my worries.

Bedtime Music

My daughter and I listen to Doze sleep music on Headspace before we go to bed. It calms her late-night zoomies (and mine) and gets her to sleep in minutes!

—Theresa Gonzalez, Branded Content Editor

Journaling

What I use for my anxiety is the Intelligent Change Five Minute Journal. I have a safe word in place for when I feel myself spiraling or I'm not able to control my thoughts and breathing.

—Brittney Davis, Account Manager

1. Whenever something good happens, your friend can't just congratulate you.

This is such a subtle sign that's easy to miss, especially if you've been friends with someone for a long time. It could be that the other person doesn't even realize they have a habit of finding ways to belittle something you're excited about. However, Dr. Hafeez says this person is toxic if "they make backhanded compliments or subtle digs that leave you feeling unsettled but unsure if you should call it out." Adding on to this, Bayramyan feels this is "passive aggressive" behavior and agrees you may be "uneasy" about drawing attention to it.

My first time experiencing a fallout from this was four years ago and I've never forgotten how shocked my nervous system felt when I shared something that was met with a backhanded compliment. I don't know if it was my heightened hormones during pregnancy that made me pay attention or if I'd finally caught on to how unhealthy that was, but I was distraught. Needless to say, that friendship didn't last much longer when I couldn't shake the feeling that something in our dynamic had changed.

2. They have a tendency to start arguments with other friends the second they feel offended.

Imagine you and your friends have decided to go to someone's house party or even a bar as a unanimous decision. It seems like everything's going well until you decide to get a late-night snack. While eating, one of your friends makes a joke that everyone else gets, but another friend thinks it's directed towards them. Instead of asking, the offended friend becomes belligerent and starts cursing while everyone else is confused about why the atmosphere changed.

If this has happened more times than you can count, you may be dealing with a toxic person. Dr. Hafeez says, "Small issues are often blown out of proportion, leaving you feeling drained by unnecessary conflict." The more this person succeeds at creating something out of nothing, the more they create "unnecessary tension" and can even "make friends take sides or get emotionally burned by endless conflict," adds. Dr. Hafeez.

Once that happens, say goodbye to the "group trust" because a toxic person is adept at destroying "a tight-knit group," according to Dr. Hafeez. Bayramyan calls them "emotional vampires" because they "suck the energy out of you and out of different situations." She says, "Their lives may seem to revolve around conflict, and they may bring negative energy into every interaction, draining those around them."

3. They find ways to make you feel like you're a bad friend if you can't always lend them money.

There's nothing wrong with supporting friends when they're in need, but lending them money can be difficult. Some people, especially those closest to us, feel entitled to our time, money, and attention regardless of if you're able to be there in the capacity they need. Dr. Hafeez says that people like this will find a way to "guilt-trip you into doing things or make you feel responsible for their emotions."

Bayramyan points out, "Toxic friends often expect you to meet all their emotional needs, while they offer little to no support in return, making the friendship one-sided."

4. They won't admit when they can't (or just didn't) contribute money towards a planned dinner or trip.

Some people don't like being accountable even if it's something small to take responsibility for. "When something goes wrong, they always find a way to blame you or someone else, never taking responsibility," says Dr. Hafeez.

Say you and your friends agree to go to dinner or take a road trip. After agreeing on somewhere to eat, plane tickets, an AirBnb, or activities, it seems like there's an understanding about the portion everyone needs to pay. However, there's always one person who waits until the last minute to admit they're unable to pay for something. This usually happens after dinner or right before a trip. Instead of them admitting they weren't honest about their financial situation, they find a way to weasel out of being responsible for their lack of planning or honesty.

5. They intentionally leave you out of certain group plans.

Our friends are likely going to have other friends we've never met or have heard about in passing, but that doesn't mean you won't get along with them. However, Dr. Hafeez knows that toxic people will "sometimes leave you out of group activities or plans, but do so in ways that feel unintentional or 'accidental.'" If that keeps happening, you can ask your friend what gives or decide to keep your distance.

6. Despite how many times you help them, they're never available when you need someone to watch your dog or help you move.

Dr. Hafeez says people who only "reach out when they need something," but become "distant or unresponsive when you need them" are displaying a toxic behavior. Bayramyan says, "They may withdraw support or become distant when you need them the most, yet expect you to be there for them unconditionally." She further explains, "Whether it's your time, energy, or personal boundaries, they often push past your limits in ways that feel disrespectful or invasive. These are boundary violations." It's like that one friend who's always asking for you to pick them up from work, only to ghost you when you need their help with something.

As much as I don't want you to have someone in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me you know or knew someone like this.

7. They can't stop talking about how people are always turning their backs on them.

If someone "frequently portrays themselves as the victim in every situation" while "never acknowledging their role in conflicts," they're probably toxic says Dr. Hafeez. It's actually not uncommon for people to develop this mindset, but it seems hard for them to break away from it. Some never do if we're being honest.

The best way to describe a person like this is to think about a friend who always feels like people turn their backs on them despite evidence showing that people have actually supported them despite many of their harmful actions or words. A person like this seems to expect unwavering loyalty and isn't interested in hearing that they're capable of being wrong.

Bayramyan says people like this truly "lack accountability" because "they rarely, if ever, apologize or take responsibility for their mistakes." Just like Dr. Hafeez says, Bayramyan agrees this makes people start "deflecting or blaming others."

8. They never seem to want to talk about anything related to your personal life (i.e. new job, engagement, favorite TV series, etc.), but love to hear themselves talk.

When "the conversation is always about them," Dr. Hafeez says toxic people "rarely show interest in your life or feelings." Friends like this always find a way to cut you off mid-sentence so they can talk about something that relates to them. It's not easy to stomach, but you may write it off as having an overly-eager friend.

9. They tend to downplay your wins and successes.

A toxic friend "won't celebrate your wins and often downplays or ignores your struggles," according to Dr. Hafeez. This may be rooted in their ability to properly support you or pure jealousy. Furthermore, she says a person like this may "subtly or openly compete with you or express envy instead of being happy about your achievements."

Have you ever had someone tell you a promotion wasn't a big deal because 'everyone gets a promotion'? Yeah...if one of your friends has something passive aggressive to say every time you're excited about something, it's time to ask yourself if it's really worth having them in your life.

10. They're snarky about your struggles, like breakups.

Everyone needs to take accountability for their actions, but it's odd if your friend is constantly criticizing you. If they seek ways to "constantly put you down, even under the guise of 'helpful advice,' Dr. Hafeez admits it's toxic behavior. There's no reason to call someone out of their name if you think they made an impulsive decision.

For example, your friend shouldn't be calling you a 'stupid b****' just because you dated someone you shouldn't have. We all make mistakes and sometimes this involves dating the wrong people. Based on my experience, I always feel like someone was looking for a way to call you something like that if they openly say it during a moment they're supposedly giving advice.

11. They openly diss a friend you have in common when that person isn't around

Let's be honest, a lot of people do this from church to family members. But if you've noticed your chosen friend consistently disses others when they're not around, it's a sign they're doing that with everyone. "They may even talk badly about you behind your back, show disloyalty in crucial moments, or side with others against you. There's inconsistent loyalty with toxic friends," says Bayramyan.

Not only that, but Dr. Hafeez says they could be "encouraging drama or division." Unfortunately, some people thrive on drama and love to include people in their misery.

Now that you know what toxic behavior is, here's how to redirect (or end) a friendship:

Ultimately, Dr. Hafeez says "toxic friends may cause dissension of friends by sowing seeds of doubt and animosity, often using manipulation or gossip to make others fight against one another." Your friends may even harbor sore feelings against you for refusing to see how much pain someone is causing. This stems from the toxic person's ability to "amplify insecurities by making some friends feel better or more important than others," she adds.

Toxic people have learned how to sway things in their favor in several ways. "By manipulating situations or twisting stories, toxic individuals can create misunderstandings or conflict between friends and turn friends against each other. They might intentionally pit friends against each other by comparing accomplishments or spreading jealousy, ultimately fostering resentment within the group," says Bayramyan.

Similar toe everything mentioned above, she says these people may control a friend group in the following ways:

1. Cancelling plans
2. Controlling group activities
3. Disrupting events

"Toxic friends may encourage clique-like behavior, subtly excluding certain people to create a hierarchy or division," says Bayramyan.

It's time to kick toxicity out of your inner circle and life. But how?

If you're noticing these sneaky signs in among your friendships, you may be ready to completely cut your certain people off. However, Bayramyan wants to stop and think first. "Before ending things, consider why the friendship feels toxic and how it's impacting your well-being. Reflect first, be sure of your reasons and consider whether reconciliation is possible," she says.

Her steps to ending a friendship involve:

1. Approach the conversation with empathy but clarity
2. Briefly explain your reasons without placing blame
3. After the breakup, set firm boundaries to avoid being pulled back in.
4. Avoid situations where you're tempted to engage in emotional conversations with them.

if you're having a hard time being upfront with you friend, Bayramyan says you can "reduce contact gradually" by being "kind but firm, explaining how the friendship no longer feels healthy." Honestly, I'd never recommend someone ghost their friend the way I did even knowing I didn't know how to properly handle the realization things weren't the same.

Of this Bayramyan says, "Some people may need closure, while others don’t. Understand what feels right for you—whether it’s a final conversation or cutting ties more gradually." Also, she wants you to lean on other friends, family, or a therapist to process the end of the friendship and to help reaffirm your decision."

More importantly, she says to '"allow yourself to grieve and move on without second-guessing your decision."

Here are five tips Dr. Hafeez has for you to get rid of toxic friends:

1. Set Clear Boundaries: If you're not ready to cut ties completely, start by setting firm boundaries—whether it's limiting contact, changing the nature of your interactions, or calling out specific toxic behaviors.
2. Be Honest but Respectful: If you choose to address the situation directly, be honest about why you're ending the friendship, but try to be calm and respectful rather than confrontational. Focus on how the relationship has affected you, rather than attacking them personally.
3. Keep It Short and Simple: You don't owe anyone an elaborate explanation. A straightforward "I don't think this friendship is healthy for me anymore" can be enough.
4. Don't Get Drawn into Arguments: Toxic friends may try to guilt-trip or argue with you. Stay firm in your decision and avoid getting dragged into emotional battles.
5. Prepare for Pushback: Be ready for them to resist or react negatively. They might try to manipulate you into staying or make you feel guilty, but stay confident in your decision.
6. Don't Feel Guilty: Ending an abusive friendship is self-love, not selfishness. It's okay to put your emotional well-being before keeping a toxic relationship.
7. Allow Time to Heal: After ending the friendship, give yourself time to process your emotions and heal. It might take some time to fully let go, but with support and reflection, you'll feel lighter and more at peace.