8 Tips for Cultivating More Patience

The Difference Between 'Body Drama' And 'The Real Body Manual'

If you've had the pleasure of sticking your nose in Nancy Redd's Body Drama, you're familiar with how well-researched and thorough it is. In that regard, The Real Body Manual is no different — but Redd highlights it's still a "totally different book." She says, "The world has changed dramatically, and we're talking so much more about bodies, and we see a lot more bodies."

Despite seeing all those "real" bodies on TV and otherwise, women — and people in general — still don't feel great about themselves. According to a 2022 study, 32% of teens had a negative opinion about their acne, while 31% weren't comfortable with their weight. Meanwhile, another study shows that 80% of women have referred to themselves as "fat."

To combat troubling statistics like those, Redd hopesThe Real Body Manual can help. "I think we're all operating with not enough information about the world we live in, and I think the more information we can receive in a safe, educated, medically-accurate space, the better," she explains.

Redd also really wanted to write a book that taught both her son and her daughter about their changing bodies — and she feels this is the perfect time for everyone to come together and learn about the way bodies not only look, but function. She likens these lessons to learning about world geography. "We don't just need to know about the small town we live in. We need to know about the state, country, the world-at-large," she stresses. And she thinks The Real Body Manual can help you "learn about your own body, your friends, and the people in society you live with."

If you look at the group of friends I have today, everyone doesn't have the same body shame. One of my friends is a little taller and curvier than I am while another is shorter and rounder. I dealt with acne-prone skin and dark spots while my best friend Cookie didn't really struggle with that. It's honestly rare that everyone will look the same — and that's okay! But learning about what's going on with all of us helps bridge our experiential gaps and creates better shared understanding.

And with that in mind, here are the 4 things I learned about my body — and all bodies — when chatting with Nancy and reading The Real Body Manual.

1. Understanding Your Body Doesn't Have To Look Like Everyone Else's

I grew up during a time where certain body types were celebrated more than others in media, and it had a negative effect on how I perceived my own body. I believed I wasn't supposed to have stretch marks because video vixens didn't, and became horrified when I discovered them in middle school as a slender girl. Not only that, but I didn't really develop curves until after I gave birth which made me feel like an outlier in my community.

Recent studies found there's a link between teens aged 16-18 years old developing body dysmorphia and social media...which doesn't sound surprising. And while there are countless body positive accounts that also exist — and I really do promise I'm not saying to completely ditch your socials — sometimes you have to take a step away from it (and other influencers) if it's having a negative impact on your self-esteem.

"Some bodies naturally look like those in music videos. I think separating that from being able to find love or have purpose in your life — they're completely separate things," Redd insists. She breaks things down even further by explaining why you not looking a certain way doesn't discount you from enjoying life. "Some people are born with the ability to be tennis stars, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't pick up a tennis racket because you're not Serena Williams."

The main point she drives home is that "every person can have a great time with their bodies" which is why The Real Body Manual reads like an encouraging, evidence-based love letter to readers.

2. Loving Yourself Is A Choice

Just like I had to make the decision to fully accept the body I have, it's something Nancy says everyone has the ability to do. "It's literally a choice," she says before one of her kids quickly pops into our convo. In a tender moment, she asks her child, "Hello, do you love your body?"

This brief encounter circles back to the reason why The Real Body Manual matters — it opens up these conversations with our kids, offering a tangible resource for others. I know I try to have more conversations like this with my son, and I've even encouraged him to hug himself when he needs a little dose of self love.

"The things that matter — having purpose in life, feeling love, being a good community member — don't have much to do with whether you have hyperpigmentation, freckles, cellulite, etc.," she says. "The more you know from the beginning of your journey that bodies look different, the easier it is for you to accept [yourself]. But if the only bodies you're seeing are sexualized in pornography, videos, and magazines, you don't have a real basis."

It's one of the biggest reasons she intended for The Real Body Manual to be a visual guide.

3. Your Naked Body Is Beautiful

"I really like showing people what the body actually looks like for the most part," Redd says. Yeah, that's right — The Real Body Manual features real people's bodies, not just illustrations. In doing so, she says, "Everyone can see someone who resembles them." It doesn't matter if you're heavy-set, a person with different sized breasts, or anything in-between. The point is that you'll be able to find yourself somewhere in The Real Body Manual.

My mother told me how little information her own mom shared with her about bodies. Because of that, my mom always stressed that she wanted my sister and I to have access to whatever information we needed. She wanted us to be informed, and never inhibited by her own lack of comfort over a topic. But not all parents feel comfortable sharing with their kids.

Redd says, "I don't think it was done with malice. I think people are just working with whatever they have which is not a lot." She further notes people have chosen to refer to genitals as "down there" for both men and women instead of saying the proper term for them for their autonomy. I'll be honest — growing up in a religious background often means sexual shame was attached to very normal things like breasts and penises.

Not everyone was on board with me telling my toddler he has a penis instead of saying "pee pee" — or not talking about it at all, if we're being honest. But I wanted him to feel comfortable with what he was born with, and to know that his dad having the same anatomy is normal. "We just don't use the proper names for things which increases this shroud of secrecy about it. We aren't taught health literacy," Redd says.

4. 'The Real Body Manual' Is A Must-Have For Pre-Teens, Teens, And Adults

Funnily enough, Redd informs me that October is actually Health Literacy Month, making all this really round out. We should know what's going on with our bodies, whether it's the proper terminology, what changes we're going through, what we can look like. Ignorance only makes our experiences more confusing and harder — especially when we're young and probably have a million different questions.

She explains that if you ask people specifics like 'How does a period work,' then they may not know the answer. "The same goes for if you ask what's the difference between a freckle and a mole," Redd explains. "It may not seem like these things are a big deal, but when something goes wrong, you need to know 'I need to get this thing checked out.'"

Information is power, and when armed with information about our bodies we can lead safer, healthier lives. Instead of wondering why we don't talk about things enough, Redd decided to take the bull by the horns and talk about them — and she thinks you should talk about them, even (and sometimes especially) when they're uncomfortable. She says, "Any time you feel shame or discomfort discussing your body, that's a sign you don't have enough information."

If you find yourself unable to ask other people questions, but want to start feeling comfortable in your body, I highly recommend that you read both Body Drama and The Real Body Manual because they're equipped with detailed explanations — and helpful imagery — about how bodies actually look, work, and feel.

Buy 'The Real Body Manual' Here!

The Real Body Manual

What is eldest daughter syndrome?

While The New York Timesreports that eldest daughter syndrome "isn’t an actual mental health diagnosis" — AKA it's not an official disorder recognized in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) — the symptoms seem to have a very real effect on the people struggling with it. Paruolo explains, "Often times with my clients, we explore 'eldest daughter experiences' as a way to avoid pathologizing this now normalized response to family roles and expectations. The eldest daughter experiences behavioral patterns and emotional experiences that are unique to their birth order in comparison to other siblings."

What does this all mean in practice? Paruolo says that families tend to place a ton more expectations on firstborn children, from achievements to overall responsibilities. According to Paruolo, this can put pressure on these children to lead and set a good example for younger siblings. Over time, that pressure can grow and evolve, leading an eldest daughter to taking on more and more throughout her life — even outside of the family home she grew up in — and cause further complications in their relationships, workplace, and otherwise.

What are the symptoms of eldest daughter syndrome?

Like I said before, you naturally carry a lot of these experiences from childhood into your adult interactions. And while having leadership proclivities and high standards for yourself isn't inherently a bad thing, all of these pressing expectations can morph into more frustrating symptoms later on in life.

Since this isn't an exact diagnosis or disorder (yet), a lot of these symptoms can come from the practical findings from therapists over time. With Paruolo's clients, she's noticed that eldest daughters "might experience symptoms of perfectionism and unrealistic self-induced demands in both workplaces and relationships." She explains that this can look like a lack of delegation or asking for help. Paroulo also notes that eldest daughters may innately "prioritize others' needs before they acknowledge their own" — and if they choose to pick their own needs first, they may end up feeling guilty in the long run.

Each of these symptoms can pop up in an eldest daughter's day-to-day, but they can also have some unfortunate long term effects if they go unaddressed. "Long term effects might look like consciously or unconsciously being placed in a caregiving role, which can lead to burnout in many relationships," Paruolo says. She explains that this "immense pressure" and the climbing responsibilities can eventually cause chronic stress — and potentially even lead to resentment toward family members.

For a fictional — but still practical! — example, let's think about Daphne Bridgerton. In season 1, we immediately see the extreme weight Daphne bears to find a good, respectable marriage that will make her family proud and cement their societal standing even further. That's a ton of pressure for anyone of any age, let alone a 21-year-old woman. Meanwhile, her older brothers Anthony and Benedict are 29 and 27, respectively — and if you remember, they don't seem to nervous about their own standings on the marriage mart, let alone seem eager to marry yet at all.

But Daphne prevails! She marries The Duke of Hastings, conceives a child, and fulfills her family's dreams against all odds. If you thought that would be enough, and that Daphne officially check off her eldest daughter duty, you'd be wrong! In season 2, when Anthony finally decides to navigate his own marriage prospects, the family calls Daphne in for help to give advice and lead them through their struggles. So even though Daphne's started a family of her own (exactly what they wanted and asked of her!), her job is never done. She councils, aids, and doles out an endless supply of love and care.

What can parents do to prevent eldest daughter syndrome?

Parents have a lot to prioritize as they raise their families, but there are some small (but very powerful!) things they can do to help prevent eldest daughter syndrome from getting out of hand. First and foremost, Paruolo wants parents to know how important it is to be mindful of how they speak to their children, regardless of their birth order. She stresses that a parents' voice "often becomes the child's internal voice (and often the harshest critic)."

Next, Paruolo suggests creating a more open environment for the family to talk about their feelings about the family dynamic. By doing so, it seems like this could mitigate that resentment we've talked about before, where an eldest daughter may take on more and more without asking for help and eventually burning out. Paruolo notes you can have these conversations at family dinners or meetings — this offers a set time and place for each person to air their feelings.

Finally, Paruolo wants parents that they should be "mindful of the caregiving responsibilities they place on the eldest" while also "encouraging age-appropriate forms of independence for the children in the house." All these efforts can help "breed healthier dynamics," and hopefully make an eldest daughter's life a little easier, one step at a time.

How can women heal from their eldest daughter syndrome?

After reading all this, it may seem overwhelming to recognize that you're dealing with eldest daughter syndrome. Luckily, your symptoms and struggles don't have to define you because Paruolo has some key advice for healing. "Women can deal with and heal from their oldest daughter syndrome by acknowledging their real and valid experiences," she says. "We don't tell someone with a broken leg to get over it, so the same nurturing and understanding of how the eldest daughter syndrome has shaped them is essential for their journey."

There are a few ways you can truly validate these eldest daughter experiences — and work to move on from them. Paruolo suggests practicing mindfulness in order to notice what your innate behaviors are. She says, "It can be a simple three second pause with the reflective question, 'Am I placing the oxygen mask on someone else before helping myself in this moment?'" In doing this, you're able to create a space where you allow yourself to choose your own needs first — or at least start acknowledging them more clearly.

One of the biggest — and I'd say hardest — practices that Paruolo suggests? Saying no. She says that acclimating to the discomfort of setting boundaries and saying that two-letter word can really help you form better, healthier habits. I know I could definitely do this more.

Finally, Paruolo wants eldest daughters to work on reframing their self-worth. She says, "Get curious about why it's an honor to be you (because it is!) and try to separate it from the caregiver or problem-solver role you have been continuously placed in."

If there's anything to take away from my conversation and research, I'd let it be this: your experiences as an eldest daughter are valid, and you deserve to prioritize yourself! Whether 'eldest daughter syndrome' is in a diagnostic book or not, it's clear that therapists are taking these instances seriously, honoring their clients needs — so why shouldn't you honor your own?

I don't want to end this article hypocritically. I struggle with my own eldest daughter tendencies daily, but it's helpful to know that there are very real steps I can take to make my life easier, to exhale. And maybe one day, these lived experiences we all share will be codified in the DSM-5, allowing future eldest daughters to have a clearer playbook to live by — because you know we love achievable, clear goals. 😉

How can someone check the expiration date for their makeup?

How many times have you picked up your order from Sephora or Ulta without looking at every detail of your makeup products? We're guilty of being more concerned about adding something to our routine too so don't feel like you're being called out! If you're not 100% sure how to start being mindful about something's shelf life, Prestidge and Healy want to let you in on a little secret.

"It's actually pretty simple. There's something called a PAO symbol, which stands for 'period after opening.' You'll find it on the exterior of makeup products — sometimes on the product itself but always on the box," he says. Wondering what it looks like? Healy says, "The PAO symbol looks like a small jar with a number followed by the letter 'M,' which stands for months. For example, '3M' means three months, '6M' means six months, and '12M' means twelve months."

Prestidge also adds, "Brands often print batch codes that consumers can input into websites like CheckCosmetic to determine the production date." If you've yet to open your product, Healy says "A good rule of thumb is to assume it will last about twice as long. So, if the PAO says '6M,' the product is good for six months after opening and likely up to twelve months if unopened."

Do some makeup products have a longer shelf life than others?

Based on what Healy shares, it's evident different makeup products have longer shelf lives than others, and there are plenty of different factors that determine why. "Products like mascara and eyeliner, which are used around the eyes and tend to be liquids or creams, typically have the shortest shelf life due to their risk of bacterial growth. You should replace them every three months," he says. Excuse us while we collectively clutch our pearls.

Now that we've caught our breath, we can breathe a sigh of relief because Healy says that's the only products we have to replace a little quicker. "Foundation and concealer, which are also liquids, can usually last up to a year. Lipstick is good for about a year, while lip gloss can last around 18 months," he shares. Still, Prestidge feels you should be especially mindful of liquid and cream products because their shorter lifespans are attributed to "their high water content which fosters bacteria."

For those of us who love other face products, we have an even longer time to replace them. "Powders, like brow powders, bronzers, and blushes, have a much longer shelf life — usually a year and a half to two years," Healy explains. Prestidge says this is because "they contain fewer ingredients prone to bacterial growth." And for good measure, Healy shares we can keep nail polish for "three years before it becomes dry and clumpy," and fragrances for "five years before they start to break down."

What are the top signs it's time to replace makeup?

Not always good at keeping track of when you bought your makeup? No worries — there are some key signs you can recognize that your makeup is likely expired. Healy points out you'll be able to see that "the formula may have shifted or separated, or the product may have dried." More often than not, both he and Prestidge agree expired products will often smell rancid. "For example, brow gel can smell musty if it's been sitting unused for a year. If you're unsure, it's better to throw it out," encourages Healy.

Not only that, but Prestidge says to pay attention to your product's color. "If the product's color shifts, it's a a sign it's degraded," she says. Also, your skin will let you know when expired products are irritating it. "If you notice itching, redness, or breakouts after using a product, it might be expired, she alerts.

To avoid this, go an extra step further by using a "label maker to note the purchase date on your products, or keep a record in your phone," suggests Healy. This will help lessen the chance you're using something that's full of harmful bacteria.

What can happen if someone keeps using expired makeup?

There are some things we'd love for you to be rebellious about, but using old makeup isn't one of them. Healy feels the same way and says, "Using expired makeup increases your risk of infection and irritation, which can lead to unsanitary conditions and even bacterial contamination."

The last thing we want is for you to get sick because you didn't want to let go of something. While symptoms may not always be as severe — Prestige says you could see allergic reactions, redness, or acne — Healy reminds us that "at the worst, it could result in serious infections that require treatment." This could look like developing styes or pink eye if you're "using old mascara or eyeliner," according to Prestidge.

Plus, your makeup won't give you the look you're going for if it's expired. "Expired products may no longer perform as intended, compromising coverage, color, or longevity," she says. Healy's ultimate advice? "Always be cautious, check for the PAO symbol, and replace products when needed."

Beauty Products You Need To Replace Every 3 Months

Lancôme Lash Idôle Volumizing Mascara

If you're going to replace your mascara, you need a comparable alternative that's going to give your lashes the length and volume you're used to having. Be sure to add this one to your cart today!

Urban Decay Glide-On Eye Pencil

Knowing that eyeliners go near your precious eyes, you'll want something that has a waterproof and smudge-proof formula like Urban Decay's Glide-On Pencil. You'll get up to 24 hours of wear that'll make you glad you decided to go for this option.

Beauty Products To Replace Every One To Two Years

ILIA True Skin Serum Foundation

If you're going to wear foundation, you should opt for something that feels like your skin. The medium coverage feels weightless and has a good dose of niacinamide and allantoin in it to help improve your texture over time.

e.l.f. Hydrating Camo Concealer

Get all the benefits of a high quality concealer without the luxury price with this $7 formula. It's hydrating so you're less likely to experience any creasing when you're trying to set it with your favorite powder.

Revlon ColorStay Suede Ink Lipstick

Give those lips a boost of color with Revlon's ColorStay Suede Ink Lipstick! You're going to get the best wear out of this no-transfer shade that has powerful pigment that doesn't cost more than $15.

NYX Professional Makeup Fat Lip Oil

Want juicy lips that don't feel sticky? You have to get this fat lip oil. You'll get up to 12 hours of wear that doesn't require you to reapply it which sounds like the very thing we could all use.

IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Pores Pressed Powder

Headed to an event and want an airbrushed look that makes jaws drop? You'll be hard-pressed not to have this pancake-type powder. It visibly minimizes your pores while also soaking up excess oils.

Physician's Formula Butter Bronzer

This yummy bronzer had us at hypoallergenic. It's going to give you a sun-kissed glow that'll make people wonder if you've been vacationing during colder months, but you don't have to share your inexpensive secret if you don't want to.

Covergirl Trublend So Flushed Blush

You need a blush that's going to work with your makeup and not against it. Instead of spending a fortune on something you're not sure will work, give Covergirl's Trublend product a spin. You'll get amazing pigment that lasts throughout the day and won't irritate your skin.