I'm a recovering people pleaser who's still learning to set boundaries. Honestly, I don't think I would've fully committed to it had I not become a mother — it's sad, but true. Here's the thing — I've always known I wanted to choose motherhood, but nothing prepared me for the challenges that come with it, including some of the challenges disguised as "friendly" advice, passive aggressive comments, and societal expectations.
Two years into my own motherhood journey, I've noticed that public shaming of mothers is unfortunately still rampant. It's one of the reasons I was shocked and hurt reading the comments Keke Palmer's boyfriend made about her recent (radiant) concert look. Instead of him choosing to address her privately, he decided to publicly use her role as a new mom to bring her down a notch or two. Sadly, I it made me realize moms are expected to fill small, outdated boxes to fit a "good mother" narrative. Here's why I'm not feeding into it anymore.
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First thing's first — motherhood isn't a glorious cake walk as it's been depicted in pop culture. My feelings were personally hurt when I realized the princess and prince do not get married, have kids, and live happily ever after without zero issues. I was fortunate not to have any pregnancy or birthing complications, but I struggled adjusting to being someone's mom.
There was the constant worry about producing milk to breastfeed, developing mastitis twice, sleep deprivation, and so much more. Not to mention the fact I had to put my son in daycare at 3 months where he eventually developed so many illnesses that left me no option but to go back on unpaid maternity leave. Did I mention we both developed COVID-19 and were incredibly sick for two weeks?
To put it simply, my first year of motherhood was the epitome of difficult and, without knowing, I lost sight of myself.
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It took being diagnosed with postpartum depression for me to realize the praise we give mothers for being the ultimate sacrificial person is detrimental to our mental health. One thing I'll never argue about is that it's my responsibility to raise and nurture my son. But, the belief that moms are supposed to neglect themselves in the process caused more harm than good societally.
I'm not sure if it's hard to believe, but mothers are still people who have individual identities and desires. For me, I've always loved to maintain my personal style, and I feel like other people — Keke Palmer included — should wear whatever makes them feel great. So, it was a hard pill to swallow when it was suggested that I needed to humble myself now that I'm a mom because apparently moms aren't supposed to be stylish or sexy. I'm not kidding — I was literally a part of mom chat boards where people were attacking moms who "dress up."
There were also arguments that moms aren't supposed to have careers after having children...*crickets*. Seeing that as a new mom who not only had to work to supplement income, but also wants to work felt like a slap in the face. In my opinion, ignoring that moms are multifaceted humans with differing needs and wants for their lives is an erasure that I do not support.
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This leads me to the spectacle that is public shaming. I don't know if it's gratifying for people to shame others, but it's seemingly a huge part of society — especially towards women. When it comes to moms more specifically, it almost feels like moms aren't just supposed mothering their children. If you let society tell it, moms (and everything about us) are on full display for the world. We're supposed to follow strict guidelines to ensure that our societies, communities, and families feel proud of us.
Keke Palmer isn't the first mother to be publicly shamed by someone who is supposed to love and respect her, and she won't be the last. However, this doesn't change the fact that using someone's role as a mother to "humble" them says more about the individual doing the shaming. To suggest a mom is somehow less than because she doesn't fit into a patriarchal view of motherhood is not only outdated, it's downright ludicrous.
Luckily, I've been fortunate to have a supportive and respectful partner who doesn't use social media to assert his dominance over me. If I would've had a child with prior boyfriends this might've been a different story...
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All in all, I'm grateful for the ways embracing motherhood gives me permission to show up as my full, authentic self. I want to show my son that while I love him and want to teach him amazing things, I'm also a whole person — so he can feel confident to be a whole person. It's not enough for me to tell him to be confident — I, along with his dad, have to model that behavior.
That's why it doesn't matter how many opinions people have about how mothers are supposed to carry themselves and raise their babies. 9 times out of 10, these public shamers aren't parenting said mothers' children. They may not even have an active relationship with mothers so, to me, negative opinions are null and void. And if they are coparenting those children? Maybe they should show up as a parental partner instead — ahem, Darius.
Prior to becoming a mom, I changed myself so much to please others...and it never was enough! Thinking that all this would somehow change if I continue contorting myself as a mother is like diving into the same dark hole all over again, unable to ever climb out. It's just not worth it. Life is meant to be lived happily...even as a mom. Especially as a mom.
Keke's Response To All This?
In true Keke fashion, the starlet let the world (and Darius) know that her using her role as a mother for social media clout will never change who she is to her son. Instead of directly addressing comments made about her, she posted a sweet Instagram video while holding her song and singing Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely." In the comments, she wrote "One thing is certain and one thing is true, IM A MOTHA, through and through! 😍"
She then directed fans to shop new merchandise featuring the slogans "IM A MOTHA" and "Stevie to the bullsh*t" in her bio. Not only is she an unbothered queen, but she knows her worth as an individual and mother aren't based on anyone's opinions — not even someone she's romantically linked to.
How do you feel about moms like Keke Palmer being publicly shamed? Let us know in the comments.
Header image via Tatiana Syrikova/Pexels
