3 New Books About the Beauty in Anxiety

1. You're never sure what kind of mood your parents will be in before you walk in the living room or kitchen.

Let's put this on record: parenting is tough — especially on top of trying to maintain a work-life balance. But, this doesn't mean you're meant to be unsure of what to expect every time you come around your parents. If you have to "'read the room'" a lot "before speaking," Slavens indicates this is one of the more subtle signs of dysfunction.

This is where you may have learned how to become passive-aggressive if that's something you struggle with. The reason for this is because "clear and direct communication is avoided and/or seen as bad or aggressive," according to Dr. Miller.

2. You tend to feel like you're constantly compared to and in competition with your siblings.

My heart truly wants to believe this isn't intentional behavior from parents, but I can't say I haven't heard people talk about feeling like they'd never measure up to the 'golden child' of their family. You may have felt insecure about your grades, the college you chose to go to, your career goals, or even your physical appearance. Slavens says this "struggle with self-worth or second-guessing yourself constantly" is yet another sign that your family's dynamic wasn't the healthiest.

Also, Dr. Miller says this could've caused you to learn to "shrink yourself in the presence of loved ones." Even worse, you may "feel the need to hide pieces of yourself in order to be loved and accepted."

3. There was constant yelling and screaming during arguments, making you fearful of disagreements or hardships.

If you grew up in a home where arguments always led to screaming and yelling, chances are you're not a fan of loud voices or hard moments. Honestly, Slavens says it's not hard to believe that "conflict make you anxious, even when it’s minor." Unsurprisingly, you may have become a referee during these arguments and currently find yourself being a mediator in your platonic or romantic relationships. Why?

Dr. Miller says, "You constantly feel the need to manage everyone else’s emotions often at the cost of your own needs and wellbeing." You know, to keep the peace.

Here are some more obvious signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family

4. You had to take on a parental role when one of your parents decided to stop being an adult.

I imagine that having an emotionally immature parent is one of the most aggravating and stressful things to deal with. Not only that, but you may have had to help keep the household afloat. You may have had to get a job or two to help pay bills, listening to an adult conversation as your mom or dad laid their problems at your young feet, and more!

If you "family roles were flipped" and you "maybe had to parent your own parents," Slavens says this is a form of emotional dysfunction.

5. You weren't allowed to go anywhere with your friends because your parents wanted to keep an eye on you at all times.

Slavens says boundaries that "didn't exist" or "were rigid and controlling" is a sign your home was a little...interesting. Being concerned about your whereabouts is one thing, but it's another when you're unable to do anything without your parents' eagle-eyes on you. Something as simple as going to the mall with your friends may have become a lecture about the dangers of shoplifting or car wrecks. Again, these are valid concerns but they shouldn't be treated like the verbal form of doom scrolling.

6. You consistently witnessed one of your parents abuse alcohol or drugs at home.

This is a tough because substance abuse is so prevalent in varies socioeconomic statuses and communities. From the functioning alcoholic to the one who becomes belligerent after they've had too much to drink, it always affects those around them. Slavens says if "there was ongoing neglect, substance abuse, or verbal/physical aggression," your home probably didn't safe.

I recognize some of these signs of a dysfunctional family. But that doesn't mean they're affecting my current relationships, right?

I hate to break it to you, but it's possible your childhood wounds have shown up before. "Dysfunctional dynamics don’t stay in childhood — they tend to creep into how you connect with others," says Slavens. Similarly, Dr. Miller agrees that "we typically repeat what we learned at home with our families in our other relationships." How?

"This includes the beliefs and rules we follow, often completely subconsciously, about what can and can’t talk about and why, as well as what emotions are allowed to be expressed, who can express them and how, and how we should or must respond to those people and their emotions," explains Dr. Miller.

Another way to look at this is how Slavens has outlined it:

In Platonic Relationships:

1. Overextending yourself to please others, even at your own expense
2. Feeling like you have to "earn your friends' affections.
3. Avoiding vulnerability because it feels unsafe.

In Romantic Relationships:

1. Struggling to trust your partner or feeling overly suspicious
2. Repeating patterns like dating people who are emotionally unavailable or controlling.
3. Feeling overly responsible for your partner's happiness — or relying on them for yours.

OMG! How do I unlearn habits from my dysfunctional family?

Honestly, everyone has a few bad habits they've carried from their childhood to adulthood. You're not an outlier because some things weren't 100% normal so I don't want you to feel like you're a failure for not having having it all together. "Dysfunction doesn’t have to define your future relationships," Slavens assures. Dr. Miller says you can start to unlearn things "that aren't working for you anymore" by "gathering your family's larger context to gain insight into how and why, for them, the behaviors make sense."

By taking a look at your family's "history and larger social and political contexts" gives you a chance to "see them as whole people with full lives," she says. Once you do that, she believes "you can examine what pieces make sense for you to keep and what parts you'd like to learn to do differently." Her other suggestion? Don't forget you're ability to utilize a "therapist who works systemically, like an LMFT" who "can be a huge support in this process."

Slavens' tips include the following:

1. Practice self-awareness: Notice when a response feels automatic — like people-pleasing or shutting down during conflict — and ask yourself, Is this helping me, or is this a leftover habit from the past?
2. Set boundaries: If your childhood lacked healthy boundaries, learning to say “no” without guilt is a game-changer. Boundaries protect your energy and teach others how to treat you.
3. Learn healthy conflict skills: If conflict made you feel unsafe growing up, it’s natural to avoid it. But healthy conflict is necessary in relationships. Practice expressing your needs calmly and directly.
4. Therapy, therapy, therapy: A good therapist can help untangle the messy, “weird” things that got normalized and give you tools to rebuild healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
5. Surround yourself with healthier models: Whether it’s friends, mentors, or books/podcasts, seek examples of functional relationships and start observing what feels different.

While you're busy unlearning things, Dr. Miller also wants you to remember something. "Recognize that how your family does something is simply that; how your particular family system figured out and were taught to navigate the world. It isn’t inherently right because you’ve normalized it nor is the way another person or family does it inherently wrong," she says.

December 2024

Devotions: The Selected Poems of Mary Oliverby Mary Oliver

November 2024

This Motherless Landby Nikki May

Funke goes from enjoying a cozy life in Nigeria with her parents and brother to being jostled off to England, an unknown land she's never been to before. Upon her arrival, she recoils at the tragic state of where she'll be living and how different her interactions are with other family members. Yet, she and her cousin Liv find joy in each other.

This same joy follows them to the next phase of their lives until their bond is shattered given the revelation of their mother's former decisions. Individually, Funke and Liv find it difficult to live lives that are free from the pain of their family's past.

October 2024

The Mighty Red by Louise Erdrich

September 2024

Blue Sistersby Coco Mellors

August 2024

The Wedding People by Alison Espach

Reading like the sister of Ally Condie's The Unwedding, The Wedding People centers around one woman's determination to make the most of time in Rhode Island.

Phoebe Stone's hit rock bottom without her husband, but hasn't given up on her dream of traveling to Newport, Rhode Island so she can unwind at Cornwall Inn. Coincidentally, her arrival doesn't cause a stir because it's assumed she's one of the many guests that'll be attending a lavish wedding.

She flies under the radar so much that she and the organized bride begin developing a bond that results in secrets being shared. But, Phoebe has a plan and no one will see it coming.

July 2024

In a time where America is in the midst of political and social changes, a small town in Missouri is left shaken by the disappearance of girls. Despite the residents' fears, no one knows why this is happening nor do they know where to begin searching for the missing girls.

But, a young boy by the name of Patch decides to step up to the plate to return the daughter of a well-to-do family. Though the family seems to be grateful for her return, unrest begins bubbling underneath the town's surface.

As Patch and his family begin grappling with what it means to be a hero in society's eyes, they also realize that some things are merely a facade to hide darker truths.

June 2024

Swift River by Essie Chambers (June 4)

Prepare to be transported through time as you read one family's saga through the yes of the young Diamond Newberry.

She and her mom have relied on other people to drive them wherever they need to go since her Pop vanished without any indication of where he could be. Everyone in town knows who Diamond is and they often subject her to harsh bullying. It's something she wishes would change, but the only thing she can foresee is her mother's sheer determination to move on with their lives.

That sounds great, but Diamond's suddenly left with more answers when she learns about more of the women in the Newberry family. She even learns more information about her Pop that paint a much larger picture than she originally saw. What this does is creates a strong tether that helps Diamond start finding her place in the very world that's sought to mistreat her.

But, how much of Diamond's life will be forever changed the more she learned?

May 2024

Real Americans by Rachel Khong

Real Americans is a beautiful story about identity, class, and more in America. It begins with Lily Chen falling in love with Matthew despite their different backgrounds. She's dealing with being an unpaid intern who's the child of someone who escaped Mao's Cultural Revolution while Matthew is the heir of a successful pharmaceutical company. Nevertheless, they somehow manage to fit together.

But, something happens in between the time they fall in love and the moment Lily's son Nick realizes his mom seems to be keeping something from him. She's never talked about his father and this has only piqued his curiosity even more.

The more he tries to find answers about his dad, the more Nick realizes there's not always a clear path to the past.

April 2024

The Husbands by Holly Gramazio

What if you came home from work one day to discover you're married to a stranger and everyone knows but you? That's exactly what happens to Lauren and it confuses her because she's sure she'd remember getting married. Not only that, but she's apparently been married for a while. Everyone in her life knows and the life around her shows evidence that her marriage isn't a fluke. So why can't she remember it?

The answer to her question lies in the mysterious act that occurs in the attic. For some reason, it's become a place where she 'receives' new husbands and a brand new lifestyle. She starts to enjoy the newness of living different lives, but eventually she wonders if it's possible to find happiness in one of the realities she's being afforded.

March 2024

The Great Divide by Cristina Henríquez

Debuting tomorrow, The Great Divide is a tale about the intersection of lives, compassion, and dedication. Set in Panama, the novel allows readers to form an intimate relationship with Omar, Ada Bunting, and John Oswald as they navigate circumstances that bring them together.

Despite his father's disdain for a new canal that's been commissioned to be built, Omar finds himself among one of the workers tasked with paving the way for it to exist. It's backbreaking work that takes a toll on him, but his weariness is comforted by Ada. Having seen firsthand how Ada cares for those who are fragile or sick, scientist John Oswald immediately enlists her help due to his wife being sick.

The Great Divide sweeps you into it's compassionate arms and has an ending that'll surely make your heart swell.

The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros

To celebrate it's 40th anniversary, Jenna Bush Hager's book club has named The House on Mango Street as it's second pick for March! It's about Esperanza Cordero's desire to define who she is outside of what her Spanish culture has chosen for her. There's moments of sheer bliss that make heart-wrenching recollections easier to stomach, but Esperanza always finds a way to embrace how these things make her who she is.

February 2024

Good Material

Good Material is the new coming-of-age novel for adults who are still trying to figure out if they're adulting properly and revolves a series of events that makes main character Andy feel like he's down on his luck. From watching the breakdown of his longterm relationship to feeling like he's not growing as a comedian, it's clear that Andy is ready to do whatever it takes to become better in the love and career departments. But, is he truly ready to learn his life's lessons and will he be prepared for what happens next?

January 2024

The Waters

Despite Donkey's desire to run free in Whiteheart, her family's past threatens to disrupt that and then some. Will she be able to understand what's threatening the community around her or history repeat itself? Find out when the book releases January 9, 2024.

December 2023

We Must Not Think of Ourselves

#ReadWithJenna announced its December pick yesterday and it's a historical novel that's sure to tug at your heartstrings. We Must Not Think of Ourselves follows Adam Paskow's journey as a Jew held captive by the Nazis. He later finds himself working alongside others who are committed to immortalizing history as it unfolds around them. Not without flaws, Adam unintentionally falls in love with Sala Wiskoff despite the latter being a married mother. This thrusts him into a world filled with complicated choices fueled by the need to survive and love.

Will his choices hinder those he's agreed to help or will he prove that taking risks is necessary for history to move forward? Pick up a copy of We Must Not Think of Ourselves to find out!

November 2023

The Sun Sets in Singapore

To help ring in a new month, Jenna Bush Hager's book club announced its November pick earlier today. Available for purchase tomorrow, The Sun Sets in Singapore introduces us to three women whose paths seem different at first glance. However, each of them have something that's lurking behind initial assumptions. As Dara, Amaka and Lillian find themselves 'lost' in Singapore's paradise, they begin to realize there is a such thing as too much tranquility - especially if it's disguised to hide life-altering truths. Will they be able to confront what they've escaped from or will it continue to follow them like shadows on a summer day?

October 2023

How To Say Babylon

Jenna Bush Hager's October pick is a tale of what happens when toxic traditional views begin to threaten a family's foundation. Young Safiya Sinclair must come to grips with her father's authoritative reign over her family, especially when she realizes her mother's only act of rebellion is making sure her daughters are educated. It's something that Sinclair allows to open her mind and set her free from her father's views.

A Woman Is No Man

Let your curiosity and assumptions about this book's cover introduce you to the journey of Deya. While she has her sights set on going to college and chasing her dreams, her strict grandmother is only concerned about Deya becoming someone's wife. Tradition seems to rule her life, and it's the last thing Deya wants. A random turn of events grants her wish and takes her on a journey of self-discovery where she learns what it means to be a woman whose voice is not only heard, but also respected.

Searching For Sylvie Lee

Families can carry hidden secrets that threaten to undo everything one knows once they begin searching for the truth. And this is exactly what happens when Amy rushes to find out what happened to her older sister Sylvie after her disappearance. With her confidence growing as she draws nearer to the truth, Amy is faced with the difficult task of seeing her family without rose-colored glasses and has to decide what that means for them as well as her.

Nothing to See Here

When Lillian drifts apart from her roommate and eventual friend Madison, she thinks nothing of it. That is until Madison begs her to help her caring for her stepchildren whose irritation manifests as fire. Over time Lillian is able to develop a beautiful relationship with the twins and learns the depths of her love are limitless.

The Girl With The Louding Voice

As she grows up in Nigeria, Adunni longs for a future that looks different from what she's always known. She goes to great lengths to figure out how to do so and this takes her down a path filled with sorrow and faith.

Valentine

When Mary Rose Whitehead finds young Gloria Ramirez on her doorstep, she quickly realizes a vicious act of brutality happened. Unfortunately, justice isn't swift and this leads Whitehead to take matters into her own hand.

A Burning

A Burning takes readers on a tale that intertwines the lives of three different people. Beginning with the public smear campaign of Jivan, readers are then introduced to a gym teacher whose ambitions cloud his judgment and a sweet, yet misunderstood soul who works to clear Jivan's name.

Friends and Strangers

Friends and Strangers follows Elisabeth and Sam as they navigate what it means to show up in the different seasons of their lives. They somehow form an unlikely friendship that's quickly threatened and leads to things that are hard to come back from.

Leaving The World Behind

When Amanda and Clay decide to take a breather from city life with their teenagers, they initially feel they're in for peace and quiet at the rural location they've chosen. Unfortunately for them, the owners of the home they're renting arrive in the middle of the night. It's a tale of wariness that spills over and it's up to the reader to decide if it's warranted or not.

White Ivy

People aren't always what they seem, and Ivy Lin is a prime example of this. She learns how to steal from her grandmother, and she doesn't stop until her mother decides enough is enough. After being sent to China, Ivy grows to become trustworthy and evens bumps into her former crush's sister. But, her past begins to haunt her and she finds out that some things are hard to forget.

What's Mine And Yours

Gee and Noelle's worlds collide when integration brings them together. Behind the scenes we find that their mothers — both with strong opposing views — are doing what they feel is best to prepare their children for a life in America. Each has their own reasoning even if it threatens to erase who their children truly are.

Good Company

Flora Mancini is forced to question the life she and her husband have built when she discovers he didn't actually lose his wedding ring years ago. It's enough to make anyone go mad, but she somehow works to piece together the puzzle to discover the truth and decide how to move forward.

Malibu Rising

Things reach a fever pitch in this tale about family secrets and longing. Each of the Riva siblings have their own ghosts and anticipation to look forward to as their famous summer party draws near. It's only a matter of time before things bubbling underneath the surface burst in front of everyone.

Hell of a Book

Hell of a Book is about an author who's being followed by an imaginary child and a Black boy named Soot. As the past and present collide, Hell of a Book somehow lives up to its name in a reckoning tale.

Bright Burning Things

Bright Burning Things sheds light on a former entertainers love for her son and struggle to part ways with drinking. It's a tale that's familiar to those who have parents who struggle with alcoholism and the pain it often inflicts.

Black Cake

With their mother's cryptic message and a family-long recipe involving black cake looming between them, brothers Byron and Benny must work together to learn more about her history. They also have to find a way to repair their relationship before everything that still ties them together is lost forever. Be sure to read Black Cake before it comes out on Hulu this November!

Remarkably Bright Creatures

Tova Sullivan has suffered two great tragedies in life — the death of her husband and her son's unsolved disappearance. When she befriends an octopus named Marcellus, he becomes determine to help her understand what happened to her son before evidence is completely lost at sea.

Check Out More Titles From Jenna Bush Hager's Book Club:

• The Last Romantics by Tara Conklin
• The Unwinding of the Miracle by Julie-Yip Williams
• Evvie Drake Starts Over by Linda Holmes
• Patsyby Nicole Dennis-Benn
• The Dearly Beloved by Cara Wall
• The Dutch House by Ann Patchett
• Late Migrations by Margret Renkl
• Dear Edward by Ann Napolitano
• Writers & Loversby Lily King
• All Adults Hereby Emma Straub
• The Comebackby Ella Berman
• Here For Itby R. Eric Thomas
• Transcendent Kingdomby Yaa Gyasi
• The Bluest Eyeby Toni Morrison
• Black Buckby Mateo Askaripour
• The Four Windsby Kristin Hannah
• Send For Meby Lauren Fox
• Great Circleby Maggie Shipstead
• The Turnoutby Megan Abbott
• Beautiful Countryby Qian Julie Wang
• The Lincoln Highwayby Amor Towles
• The Familyby Naomi Krupitsky
• The School For Good Mothersby Jessamine Chan
• Groundskeepingby Lee Cole
• Memphisby Tara M. Stringfellow
• These Impossible Thingsby Salma El-Wardany
• The Measureby Nikki Erlick
• The Many Daughters of Afong Moyby Jamie Ford
• Solitoby Javier Zamora
• The Whalebone Theatreby Joanna Quinn
• The Cloistersby Katy Hays
• The Secret Historyby Donna Tartt
• Samby Allegra Goodman
• Maameby Jessica George
• Black Candle Womenby Diane Marie Brown
• Camp Zeroby Michelle Min Sterling
• Chain Gang All Starsby Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah
• The Celebrantsby Steven Rowley
• Banyan Moonby Thao Thai
• Summer Sistersby Judy Blume
• Amazing Grade Adamsby Fran Littlewood

Keiko Agena has a complicated relationship with 'Gilmore Girls' character Lane Kim.

“I think what [the role] was for people was different than what it was for me,” she tells Juliet Litman on an episode of the Dear Felicity rewatch podcast (via People). “In a weird way, I feel like I want to honor the experience that people had from the show, and what it meant to them, especially young Asian people, because I get that comment a lot, about what it was like for them to see someone like that on screen.”

And it's no surprise that as much as Gilmore Girls viewers love Lane, Keiko "[loves] her too. I can tell, when I meet someone who knows Gilmore Girls or who loves Lane, it's like, I recognize that love. I see that you love that person."

But it's possible to hold two conflicting emotions at the same time, and although Lane Kim was an incredibly special role at the time, there are some things Keiko would do differently today. “The best thing is to have a Korean American writer [and a] Korean American actor,” she says. “I don't think that that role, cast that way, would happen today. But at that time, in 2000, it was such a different time that I definitely know I wouldn't have said no or pulled myself out of that situation at that time...Now it's just a mix of just having gratitude for having gone through that experience and having that experience.”

Keiko Agena also keeps in touch with two very special 'Gilmore Girls' costars!

And one aspect of Gilmore Girls that Keiko Agena is thankful for is her relationship with the Gilmore Girls cast! And there are two costars in particular she frequently keeps in contact with: John Cabrera (who played Brian) and Sean Gunn (who starred as Kirk).

“There is this kind of lovely nostalgia for that time, and yet also we have years since then,” she says. “I [have] gone to both of their weddings. Our friendship is part Gilmore Girls and appreciation for that crazy time, and then part just like a million other things that are just like friends.”

I was totally surprised to learn she keeps in contact with John and Sean (supposedly) more regularly than Alexis Bledel, but it makes sense when you remember Keiko, John, and Sean are all around the same age — and Alexis is 7 years younger. Hopefully we get another Gilmore Girls reunion to see our favorite television BFF's reunite!