What Self-Care Looks Like for Every MBTI Type

Are there really assigned roles in friend groups or am I just imagining things?

Like I said before, it can seem like you and your friends unintentionally gravitate toward certain 'roles.' It's not like anyone woke up one day and decided, "I'm going to be the 'mother hen' of the group," but it tends to happen. Why?

Paruolo says, "In my clinical work, I've consistently observed that our friendship roles often mirror our early family dynamics. These patterns show up naturally — think about who in your friend group gets the first crisis call, who plans all the gatherings, or who everyone turns to for emotional support." I'm willing to bet you thought of a name for each scenario — including yours — because I know I did!

"Like in families, we each fall into specific roles that feel familiar to us," Paruolo further explains.

What actually makes someone an empathetic person?

There's so many definitions for empathy, but I thought it would be wise to ask a licensed professional for her opinion on the matter. "Empathy means to feel what others are feeling. You do not have to have a personal direct experience with something to feel empathy for another person," shares Paruolo.

For example, your friend could call to tell you she has to have fibroid removal surgery and is feeling scared. You may have never had surgery, but you could find yourself feeling the need to comfort her in spite of this. Paruolo says, "The cool thing about our brains is that we have mirror neurons, which means part of our brain is set up to feel what others feel. The ability to attune to others' emotional states comes naturally to some people, while others may need to develop this capacity more consciously."

To break it down even further, here's signs that Paruolo says point to your empathetic nature.

Physical Signs:

• Getting physically exhausted after being in crowds
• Feeling drained after social interactions, even enjoyable ones (OMG I feel so seen!)
• Needing extra time alone to recharge

Emotional Signs:

• Absorbing other people's emotions like a sponge
• Feeling anxious or overwhelmed in emotionally charged environments
• Finding it hard to watch violence or cruelty in movies/TV

Social Signs:

• Feeling responsible for others' happiness
• Having trouble saying "no" to people who need help

Mental Signs:

• Picking up on subtle changes in others' moods
• Being highly attuned to body language and tone
• Finding it hard to distinguish your feelings from others' feelings

It sounds like I'm the empathetic friend, but are there any downsides to this?

I've been an empath for as long as I can remember and I've found that I have to 'recharge' my social batteries at times. I thought it was because I was trying to be superwoman by fixing others' problems, but it turns out theres more to it than that. Paruolo says, "Empathetic friends and people have an uncanny ability to sense others' emotional states even when unspoken, and frequently need recovery time after intense social interactions. They tend to be deeply affected by others' experiences and naturally consider situations from multiple perspectives."

In the long run, she says it can be "distressing" for some people to always feel the feelings of others. Over time, she says, "it can cause you to shut down and retract." This can look like not being as quick to respond to the funny memes your friends send you or not even answering their phone calls right away.

But, this doesn't mean you're the only person who tends to go through this. "Many empaths struggle with maintaining boundaries due to their deep emotional attunement," she says. Color me guilty because this sounds so much like me. It got so bad at one point that my sister nicknamed me 'Captain Save-A-Lot,' which is actually the clean version of what she truly meant. Still, empathy fatigue is no laughing matter nor does it mean you're defected. You just have the natural ability to show people their feelings are important to you.

How can I protect my peace as the empathetic friend?

You know you need to set boundaries, but what does that mean? Paruolo says, "The key is understanding that empathy needs to be balanced with compassion - it's not just about feeling others' emotions but also knowing how to help without depleting yourself."

One of the things she loves to do is "encourage empaths to set clear boundaries around their emotional availability and make time for regular grounding exercises." As with gratitude journaling, try to focus on an activity that calls for you to be present. Focus on what you can hear, see, touch, taste, and smell.

"Self-care isn't just a luxury; it's essential maintenance for empaths. This might mean scheduling alone time, finding a supportive therapist, or joining communities where you can process your experiences," Paruolo implores.

I know how to be there for others, but how do I ask for emotional support when I need it?

You may feel like it's impossible to ask others for help since your shoulders are the ones people cry on, but you're only doing yourself a disservice by not speaking up. No one's super resilient or able to handle all of their distressing feelings alone. We're not meant to.

It's the reason Paruolo wants you to speak up about what you need. "The most effective approach I've seen is being direct about your needs rather than hoping others will figure them out," she says. I made this mistake during postpartum and found myself expecting my family & friends to know exactly how I felt, but they're not mind readers. The more I verbally asked for help with little or big tasks, the more my mental and emotional load lightened.

Paruolo wants you to look at "asking for support as strengthening your friendships through trust and vulnerability, instead of waiting until you're overwhelmed." By the time you reach that point, you'll be ready to enter rage or full-blown shut down mode and they're not fun.

Avoid unlocking their proverbial doors by scheduling "regular check-ins with trusted friends," suggests Paruolo. "This creates a sustainable support system and helps prevent emotional crisis points.

Intentional Thoughts

I'm someone who has a hard time letting things go; I can agonize over one thought or situation for days! Because of this, I focus a lot on taking thoughts captive, which just means pinpointing anxious thoughts and replacing them with what I know is true.

When I have an anxious thought, I do a creative visualization exercise in which I imagine it's inside a bubble floating over my head. Then I slam an imaginary door over the memory and lock it. Then the bubble explodes and the thought doesn't exist anymore. It's not necessarily pretending like it never happened, but it does allow me to exercise some control over what I allow myself to spend time and energy thinking about.

—Choe Williams, Entertainment Editor

Breathing Techniques

My mom is a Pre-K teacher and suggested I try the breathing exercises she does with her kids who are just four years old (I'm 31 for context). The first is called Mountain Breathing, which entails holding up your hand and tracing the outline of your fingers. As you climb up the mountain (or your finger), inhale, and as you trace down into the valley between your fingers, exhale. Another breathing visualization she recommends is as you inhale, imagine yourself breathing in to smell the flowers, and exhale to blow out a candle. These little imaginative scenarios help me get out of my head and focus on my breathing when I need a little reset throughout the day.

Hammock Swinging

Whenever I'm feeling super stressed, I head for the hammock I setup in my front yard. Just as rocking can soothe babies, swinging in a hammock is a powerful soother for adults too! I feel super chilled afterwards and am usually getting some Vitamin D while I'm at it for a win-win.

Painting

During the pandemic, I revisited arts and crafts with soft pastels. I started mixing the colors and doing gradient shadings on card stock with my hands, and it proved to be a super meditative way to decompress. The end result is DIY art you can share or pin on your fridge or wall.

—Alison Ives, Head Of Content

Breathing Techniques

Nothing calms me down quite like alternate-nostril breathing. I first learned about this technique in my yoga classes, but the practice (called Nadi Shodhana in Sanskrit) dates back to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, which was thought to be written sometime between 200 BC and 200 CE. Put simply, you sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and cover one nostril while you breathe in through the other. Then, you switch which nostril you're holding closed, and breathe out. In modern times, the connection between vagal nerve tone (which is correlated with anxiety and emotional regulation) and alternate-nostril breathing is becoming more and more mainstream, which may eventually help us better understand why this practice is so naturally calming.

Tarot Reading

Tarot can mean a lot of different things to different people. For me, I use tarot cards as a method to help me understand what lessons I'm learning at any given time. This has allowed me to view stressors in my life as learning experiences, which has helped me stay calm in numerous crises. I personally like to light some incense or a scented candle, sit quietly, and pull a card to see what resonates. That said, tarot and its associated images and meanings can be scary or triggering if you don't have a deep and gentle understanding of what the cards mean. I recommend Lindsay Mack's classes and podcasts for anyone who wants to learn about tarot in a non-judgemental, non-predictive, trauma-informed way.

—Maggie McCracken, Former Senior Editor

Sensory Accessories

My recent ways of coping/de-stressing have primarily been spiky sensory finger rings, which are a huge help when I need to get something done and can't stop my day to destress. I grab one of these guys which I have all over the place (most of my jacket pockets + purses), and it helps to calm me down and reset my focus.

Meditation On The Move

Another thing I do that I am trying to integrate into my daily routine is guided meditation walks. As someone who hasn't mastered sitting meditation I've found some on Headspace that I'm enjoying that are specifically for going on a walk through a city.

—Claire Shadomy, Former Graphic Designer

Baths...

In times of high stress, or after a long day, my go-to is always a candle-lit bath soak. I put a large scoop of Epsom salts in the tub with a few drops of my favorite essential oil and place tea lights all around the tub. It’s like my secret getaway from the rest of the world. I always make a point to leave my phone in the other room too so I utilize the time to just relax in silence. Water triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body's “rest and digest” response. It always gets my heart rate and blood pressure down.

...And Sound Baths

Sound baths are a meditative experience where you’re “bathed” in sound waves. I love to watch them online but you can also create your own experience. I find meditating with a singing bowl so relaxing. It can take a little practice, but once you’ve nailed the hand movement, it’s an interactive way to ease stress and channel your focus elsewhere.

—Allison Cimo, Former Social Media Manager

Take A Hike

Pretty much every day in 2020 I walked the trails near my house and I started to pick up a small rock each time. I'd fidget with it while I cleared my mind and let nature calm my nerves. I would throw the rock back into nature after my hike and it felt like a release for all of my worries.

Bedtime Music

My daughter and I listen to Doze sleep music on Headspace before we go to bed. It calms her late-night zoomies (and mine) and gets her to sleep in minutes!

—Theresa Gonzalez, Branded Content Editor

Journaling

What I use for my anxiety is the Intelligent Change Five Minute Journal. I have a safe word in place for when I feel myself spiraling or I'm not able to control my thoughts and breathing.

—Brittney Davis, Account Manager

9. In Sync

JJ and Kiara are so in tune with each other that they're immediately able to clock when something is off. Case in point, Kiara knows Chandler is lying when he says JJ sent him to get the scroll, and JJ knows Chandler's lying when he claims Kiara gave him the scroll. And the fact they echo each other almost exactly by saying they just know the other "wouldn't do that" proves how in sync they are.

8. Kiara Calls Out Luke (Again)

We know the Pogues know each other better than anyone, and when they learn the town is going to proceed with rezoning The Cut — and bulldozing Pougelandia — she immediately jumps to her feet to try and defend their home. Kiara doesn't mess around when it comes to justice, especially when JJ is directly affected. And when she calls out Luke for betraying JJ's trust (again), it's the perfect follow-up to their car conversation from season 2 (you know, when she asked "Don't you know how special your son is?"). We know how special he is Kie!!!

7. The Porch Talk

Okay this is such a small moment but I had to include it because Jiara is severely lacking PDA in OBX season 4 part 2. One of the most beautiful parts of this story is how these two communicate. Kiara isn't afraid to ask the serious questions and JJ is finally at a place where he can be vulnerable with her. After JJ admits that he does think Chandler's really his father, Kiara puts her head on his shoulder to comfort him and they sit in silence. These two don't need to talk because IMO, their connection is beyond words.

6. Diver Down

Let’s be honest, one of the things fans were most excited to see now that JJ and Kiara are together is JJ’s protectiveness over Kiara. We’ve seen it plenty of times in the past, but things are a little different now that he’s her boyfriend, and it’s in full force when they’re attacked underwater and Kiara loses the scuba diving gear providing her oxygen.

From JJ stabbing the guy with a spear gun to him banging on the door of the ship, desperate to get back to Kiara and screaming her name, this sequence delivers. Then, of course, there’s the fact that he immediately gives her his air so she can breathe.

5. An Undercover Date

When trying to track down the man who attacked them, JJ says their plan is to “detain, extract, investigate,” and sneak up on him as spies would. Kiara likes it, declaring they’re undercover before suggesting they act like they’re on a date – if he knows what that looks like. JJ questions her and she mentions they’ve never been on a date before, challenging him to name just one. He then tells her that they're on a date right now, grabbing her hand so they can do date things together on the pier. What does that include? Snow cones and a dare to jump into the water.

4. “Us Against The Universe.”

Since they didn’t make their diving safety stop as Pope instructed them to, Kiara and JJ get the bends (bubbles in their blood and tissues), and the Pogues rush them to the hospital, where they have to spend 12 hours in a hyperbaric chamber. With 12 whole hours together, you can imagine where this going. But before that, since this is their first moment to reflect on what happened, JJ comments how she almost died, and says that he never should’ve let her go down there. Naturally, Kiara has a different way of looking at it, saying if she wasn’t there, the attacker would’ve gotten JJ instead.

Moral of the story? They save each other and it’s them against the universe. JJ also makes a cute call back to when he called her a Kook, and we love some good banter.

3. The Turtle Hatch

Kiara’s pure joy at the sight of a turtle hatch on the beach is a beautiful moment for the character, who's talked about saving the turtles since season 1. However, Ruthie and Topper have other plans for this precious moment and decide to drive their truck directly at the Pogues, who are trying to safely get the turtles to the ocean. Kiara notices and goes in front of the truck, trying to tell them that there’s a hatch and to go around, but they ignore her, running over the area not once but twice.

Why this is so high on my list is because of the way JJ stands by her side as she confronts the Kooks for killing a baby turtle. He lets her take charge and say what she needs to, only getting involved when Topper puts his hand on her. JJ's taken the lead in these conversations in the past, and to see the roles reverse like this just proves why they work so well together. Plus, there’s the whole “You come near her, or any of us ever again, and I’ll come back and kill every single one of you.”

2. “He’s Happy.”

1. "I Already Got My Wish"

There was no way this conversation wasn't coming at number 1. Because while it's one of the saddest TV scenes I've ever seen, it's also such a standout. We all know JJ has been into Kiara since the very beginning (and fans picked up Kiara's supposedly unscripted interest in season 1 when she asked John B. if he told JJ about their kiss). And during the Outer Banks season 4 ending, JJ tells Kiara with his literal dying breath that he doesn't need to wish on the Blue Crown because he already had everything he ever wanted.

There are so many layers to this scene, like the music echoing when Kiara and the Pogues find JJ in the water a couple episodes before (which is its own callback to Kiara rescuing JJ from drowning in season 2), and I couldn't think of any better way to say goodbye to this character than to see him in Kiara's arms. P4L, JJ. P4L.