10 Things I Learned In My 20s That Are Making My 30s Better

What is eldest daughter syndrome?

While The New York Timesreports that eldest daughter syndrome "isn’t an actual mental health diagnosis" — AKA it's not an official disorder recognized in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) — the symptoms seem to have a very real effect on the people struggling with it. Paruolo explains, "Often times with my clients, we explore 'eldest daughter experiences' as a way to avoid pathologizing this now normalized response to family roles and expectations. The eldest daughter experiences behavioral patterns and emotional experiences that are unique to their birth order in comparison to other siblings."

What does this all mean in practice? Paruolo says that families tend to place a ton more expectations on firstborn children, from achievements to overall responsibilities. According to Paruolo, this can put pressure on these children to lead and set a good example for younger siblings. Over time, that pressure can grow and evolve, leading an eldest daughter to taking on more and more throughout her life — even outside of the family home she grew up in — and cause further complications in their relationships, workplace, and otherwise.

What are the symptoms of eldest daughter syndrome?

Like I said before, you naturally carry a lot of these experiences from childhood into your adult interactions. And while having leadership proclivities and high standards for yourself isn't inherently a bad thing, all of these pressing expectations can morph into more frustrating symptoms later on in life.

Since this isn't an exact diagnosis or disorder (yet), a lot of these symptoms can come from the practical findings from therapists over time. With Paruolo's clients, she's noticed that eldest daughters "might experience symptoms of perfectionism and unrealistic self-induced demands in both workplaces and relationships." She explains that this can look like a lack of delegation or asking for help. Paroulo also notes that eldest daughters may innately "prioritize others' needs before they acknowledge their own" — and if they choose to pick their own needs first, they may end up feeling guilty in the long run.

Each of these symptoms can pop up in an eldest daughter's day-to-day, but they can also have some unfortunate long term effects if they go unaddressed. "Long term effects might look like consciously or unconsciously being placed in a caregiving role, which can lead to burnout in many relationships," Paruolo says. She explains that this "immense pressure" and the climbing responsibilities can eventually cause chronic stress — and potentially even lead to resentment toward family members.

For a fictional — but still practical! — example, let's think about Daphne Bridgerton. In season 1, we immediately see the extreme weight Daphne bears to find a good, respectable marriage that will make her family proud and cement their societal standing even further. That's a ton of pressure for anyone of any age, let alone a 21-year-old woman. Meanwhile, her older brothers Anthony and Benedict are 29 and 27, respectively — and if you remember, they don't seem to nervous about their own standings on the marriage mart, let alone seem eager to marry yet at all.

But Daphne prevails! She marries The Duke of Hastings, conceives a child, and fulfills her family's dreams against all odds. If you thought that would be enough, and that Daphne officially check off her eldest daughter duty, you'd be wrong! In season 2, when Anthony finally decides to navigate his own marriage prospects, the family calls Daphne in for help to give advice and lead them through their struggles. So even though Daphne's started a family of her own (exactly what they wanted and asked of her!), her job is never done. She councils, aids, and doles out an endless supply of love and care.

What can parents do to prevent eldest daughter syndrome?

Parents have a lot to prioritize as they raise their families, but there are some small (but very powerful!) things they can do to help prevent eldest daughter syndrome from getting out of hand. First and foremost, Paruolo wants parents to know how important it is to be mindful of how they speak to their children, regardless of their birth order. She stresses that a parents' voice "often becomes the child's internal voice (and often the harshest critic)."

Next, Paruolo suggests creating a more open environment for the family to talk about their feelings about the family dynamic. By doing so, it seems like this could mitigate that resentment we've talked about before, where an eldest daughter may take on more and more without asking for help and eventually burning out. Paruolo notes you can have these conversations at family dinners or meetings — this offers a set time and place for each person to air their feelings.

Finally, Paruolo wants parents that they should be "mindful of the caregiving responsibilities they place on the eldest" while also "encouraging age-appropriate forms of independence for the children in the house." All these efforts can help "breed healthier dynamics," and hopefully make an eldest daughter's life a little easier, one step at a time.

How can women heal from their eldest daughter syndrome?

After reading all this, it may seem overwhelming to recognize that you're dealing with eldest daughter syndrome. Luckily, your symptoms and struggles don't have to define you because Paruolo has some key advice for healing. "Women can deal with and heal from their oldest daughter syndrome by acknowledging their real and valid experiences," she says. "We don't tell someone with a broken leg to get over it, so the same nurturing and understanding of how the eldest daughter syndrome has shaped them is essential for their journey."

There are a few ways you can truly validate these eldest daughter experiences — and work to move on from them. Paruolo suggests practicing mindfulness in order to notice what your innate behaviors are. She says, "It can be a simple three second pause with the reflective question, 'Am I placing the oxygen mask on someone else before helping myself in this moment?'" In doing this, you're able to create a space where you allow yourself to choose your own needs first — or at least start acknowledging them more clearly.

One of the biggest — and I'd say hardest — practices that Paruolo suggests? Saying no. She says that acclimating to the discomfort of setting boundaries and saying that two-letter word can really help you form better, healthier habits. I know I could definitely do this more.

Finally, Paruolo wants eldest daughters to work on reframing their self-worth. She says, "Get curious about why it's an honor to be you (because it is!) and try to separate it from the caregiver or problem-solver role you have been continuously placed in."

If there's anything to take away from my conversation and research, I'd let it be this: your experiences as an eldest daughter are valid, and you deserve to prioritize yourself! Whether 'eldest daughter syndrome' is in a diagnostic book or not, it's clear that therapists are taking these instances seriously, honoring their clients needs — so why shouldn't you honor your own?

I don't want to end this article hypocritically. I struggle with my own eldest daughter tendencies daily, but it's helpful to know that there are very real steps I can take to make my life easier, to exhale. And maybe one day, these lived experiences we all share will be codified in the DSM-5, allowing future eldest daughters to have a clearer playbook to live by — because you know we love achievable, clear goals. 😉

What is the October Theory?

There are tons of TikTok videos that describe this theory in detail, but user @mindandbodymams describes it best. She says, "Because October is leading up to the ending of the year, people start looking at their lives and deciding what things need to be set into motion." She explains that this could look like making changes to your relationship, or starting a new job — it could even look like you starting a new hobby or letting go of a few bad habits.

Regardless, this all boils down to one thing: October is the perfect time to take a look at your goals and implement them before the end of the year.

Why is setting goals for the new year difficult for some people?

Thinking about the possibilities for the new year is so exciting, often leaving people inspired to make vision boards, write detailed resolutions, and dream big about what's to come. However, not everyone is thrilled about jumping headfirst into that energy. "Setting goals at the beginning of a new year can pose challenges for some individuals due to various psychological factors. For many, the pressure to start fresh and achieve immediate results can feel overwhelming, leading to procrastination or anxiety," explains Tse. As the clinical director and founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling, she specializes in helping clients make empowered decisions during different seasons of their lives.

Other things like "past experiences of unmet resolutions can also create a sense of skepticism or defeatism," adds Tse. "Additionally, societal and familial expectations may cloud individual desires, causing internal conflict about what truly matters to them." According to Forbes, 62% of people feel like they have to participate in the new year's resolution trend. What's even more surprising is that over half of women "feel slightly more pressured to set a resolution" than 60% of men!

Tse surmises these very reasons ultimately makes things "feel daunting" which can hinder "goal-setting efforts." She says, "As a psychotherapist, I recognize that these barriers are deeply rooted in personal and cultural narratives, which can often dictate one's ability to set and achieve goals."

Is there a psychological reason why October feels like a fresh start?

Some people welcome fall with open arms — and subsequently the 'October Theory' — because it seems to promise a much needed reset. You're not alone if you feel this way, and Tse says there's a reason for this. "Many individuals feel that October symbolizes the beginning of their new year due to the psychological transitions associated with changing seasons. The start of autumn represents a shift from the energetic and social atmosphere of summer to a more introspective and reflective time."

Think about how excited you get to watch the leaves turn from green to rich hues of golden yellow, orange, and crimson. As they fall from their respective branches, this process can signify things that we may need to let go in order to make room for fresh things to grow. "The onset of fall can trigger an internal reset, prompting people to reassess their goals and intentions. Psychologically, this period might coincide with academic calendars or fiscal years, influencing how some structure their personal timelines," she continues.

Not only that, but Tse's seen how beneficial fall is because it can "help clients refocus and energize their commitment to personal growth and change." The more they do this, the more they start "aligning more naturally with their internal rhythms compared to the culturally enforced January start," Tse observes.

What about astrologically?

Not only is it October right now, but it's also Libra season! So while there's plenty of psychology to support your stance on fresh starts right now, could it also be written in the stars? Intuitive tarot reader and founder of Two Wander, Talisa Zampieri thinks so. She says that Libra is a cardinal sign, and that because all cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn) fall on equinoxes and solstices, they're therefore "initiators of new seasons and change."

If you're not familiar with Libras in particular, no worries! Zampieri says, "Air signs are the connectors, visionaries, and communicators of the zodiac." She says this is because Libras are ruled by Venus, a "relational planet that governs our values." So the Libras in your life — and thus Libra season in general — may be more "focused on ideals, other people, and finding alignment."

Zampieri elaborates that Libra season actually illuminates the areas in our lives — usually specific to areas of our birth chart that we have Libra placements — that need to find that balance and alignment again. She says, "The general effect of Libra season is one of trying to rebalance where the scales have been tipped too far in one direction, beautifying our life, and coming to harmony."

Starting to sound similar to October Theory? We thought so, too! Not only are we able to cosmically recognize where w we might need to shift our focus during this time, but Zampieri also highlights another shift. She says that "around October 22 we shift into Scorpio season, which is the master alchemist and transformer."

Feeling the pull towards finding change and balance? Check. Actually acting on that pull? Check. The October Theory is practically tattoed in the fabric of the stars.

How can someone embrace the 'October Theory' in real time?

Though a 'theory' can sound quite rigid and academic, this isn't something that requires you to dismantle your life and start with a completely different set of rules to live by. It's actually simpler than you think. "To embrace the 'October theory' in goal setting, start by assessing the changes you feel during this season. Use this transitional time to reflect on personal achievements, unfulfilled aspirations, and areas of growth," Tse suggests.

For example, let's say one of your goals was to stop relying on delivery services like Instacart or Uber Eats as much. We know life gets busy, causing us to backtrack on our cooking goals. But instead of kicking yourself for not being consistent with making homemade dinner recipes, you can start by asking yourself what kind of meals you want to eat. That could be all the encouragement you need to wander your grocery store aisles more successfully — and more empowered!

Tse says, "Create small, meaningful goals that resonate with your true desires, rather than what may have been imposed externally. Consider incorporating themes of autumn — like letting go and transformation — into your objectives, which can offer a symbolic motivation." She encourages you to "release habits that no longer serve you or cultivate new practices that align with the person you aim to become."

The more you shut out outside noise and check in with yourself, the more you'll be able to become clear about things you truly want.

How can different zodiac signs set goals that feel authentic during this time?

From an astrological POV, there are things we can do to make sure our goals feel aligned to us. Zampieri says, "The ways each sign can lean into this theory in a way that feels authentic to them is by looking at which astrological house Libra (and Scorpio) fall for them in their natal chart and aligning with its themes."

For example, she points out that for Libra risings, "this this transit is occurring in their 1st house of self, which amplifies the focus on self-development." On the other hand, Sagittarius risings will be affected differently. "This is their 11th house of friendship and so they can focus on their community and aspirations, etc."

If you're a Libra, one of your goals may be to get serious about your fitness goals or setting boundaries that feel true to you. If you're a Sagittarius, you may be focused on exploring friend date ideas that allow you to bond with your best friends — or you may even be exploring the potential for friendship breakups, letting go of the relationships that no longer serve them.

The point is, regardless of your sun sign, you have Libra somewhere on your birth chart. Once you recognize this area — and what that area represents — you'll be able to facilitate change more specific to your needs.

How can people stay consistent when pursuing new goals?

Pursuing new goals sounds fun until you realize you have to stay consistent, right? We've all been there to a degree — but there are ways to work around it, according to Tse. "Implementing structured daily rituals can create a strong foundation for consistency. Setting specific times for activities integrates them into your routine naturally," she says. This can look like setting alarms on your phone so you can allot time for whatever you want to do. But, why does this help us stay on track? "Tracking progress visually, like with a calendar, reinforces commitment," Tse shares.

If you're still struggling with procrastination, Tse says you can ask friends and other people you look up to for help, because "having someone to share successes and challenges with can keep motivation high." However, don't let your ambitious nature convince you that you have to tackle everything at one time. The last thing we want you to experience is burnout, so Tse has three key boundaries you can set in place:

• Break the journey into smaller, manageable tasks to prevent feeling overwhelmed.
• Connect each goal to a larger purpose or personal value to maintain passion.
• Embrace setbacks as learning opportunities and adjust the approach, rather than viewing them as failures.

How can you remain authentic throughout yet another internet trend?

Still on the fence about what goals you should be pursuing? Zampieri says to avoid what doesn't resonate with you. "If starting afresh now makes you feel good and you like to work under a deadline, set those new goals," she says excitedly. But, she's not convinced it's something you have to do if you're not 100% sure about the 'October Theory.'

"If you are naturally more drawn inward during this time of year and prefer to wind down instead, do that (particularly Scorpio risings as this is their 12th house natally which is more introspective). Don't let the internet pressure you into anything," she insists.

This is especially true if all the talk about setting new goals ahead of next year is triggering anxious thoughts. Zampieri says, "If someone feels negatively affected by the 'October Theory,' they can try to regain some perspective by looking back to last year instead," she Zampieri says. "Sometimes it is easier to see how far we've come by reflecting on where we were this time a year ago. Alternatively, someone can focus on the rhythm of the seasons instead: nature is naturally preparing to hibernate now and so can we."

There's no shame in realizing you're feeling lonely, but it's also important to identify when that loneliness morphs into isolation. "Even though many might be experiencing the same feelings, that doesn't mean they are reaching out for support," Kelman says. "Many are not feeling enough strength to reach out to others or feel like they are being a burden so they reason alone with their feelings."

"It's also become more evident as our reliance on digital communication has grown, sometimes leaving us more connected online but feeling less understood and less connected in more meaningful, in-person ways," Dr. Stratyner adds. And then there's the social expectation of it all. "Many people tend to hide their loneliness because they feel shame or embarrassment about it. This can make it even harder to open up and connect with others who might be feeling the same way. The more we keep these feelings to ourselves, the more it reinforces the isolation, even though we all experience it in varying forms."

"It is hard to see light when things feel dark, and many go inward to deal with their feelings," Kelman points out. "Many are so burdened by their feelings that they might not feel capable to care for those around them or to show up and be present for others."

And just like Dr. Gilboa says, we're looking for true connection, not just surface-level friendships. But how can we make true social connection? Here's what they suggest.

1. A good friend shows care and empathy for the people around them.

If you care for the people around you, there's a very good chance others will want to be your friend. "People that show empathy toward others are very attractive qualities as it shows that one has the capacity to care for others and be present for them," Kelman says. "Those that are gregarious and selfless can be quite appealing as well. Those that are self-involved tend to repel others rather than attract."

Focusing on others instead of yourself can be easier said than done, but the it's definitely worth it. "People are drawn to those who show genuine care and understanding," Dr. Stratyner agrees.

​2. A good friend is reliable and trustworthy.

Our inner circle is going to be made up of people who know us inside and out, but it's unlikely someone will reach that level of emotional intimacy unless you really trust them. "In friendship people rate reliability, honesty and trustworthiness more highly [than romantic relationships]," Dr. Gilboa says.

​3. People are attracted to humor.

I'm sure we can all think of someone who never fails to make us laugh. And being the funny friend can mean a lot of things: you know how to poke fun at yourself or you don't take things too seriously (unless they need to be taken seriously, of course). But that doesn't mean making other people the butt of mean jokes.

"A good sense of humor helps foster a positive, lighthearted atmosphere, making interactions feel enjoyable and memorable," Stratyner says. "Plus, everyone loves to laugh."

​4. You need to be a good listener.

No one wants to be talked at and never listened to. After all, we do have two ears and one mouth! But simply nodding your head and zoning out won't cut it. "People appreciate feeling truly heard," Dr. Stratyner says. "This demonstrates respect, interest, and a willingness to connect on a deeper level."

"Be a great listener without asserting your own views or agenda," Kelman adds. "Be available, vulnerable and present. Ask those around you how they are and truly listen to how they feel. Be open and direct and most of all, be a constant. Nothing better than knowing that you will be there for all things."

So engage with what your friends are saying and, even better, remember it later!

5. A good friend is generous.

Is there a better time to talk about generosity than Thanksgiving? Be generous with your time, resources, and your heart — but don't worry, that doesn't mean you have to let someone else steam roll you. After all, a good friend also won't take advantage of you!

"Giving to others and the community are wonderful traits and habits that are very attractive to others and may draw people in," Kelman says. "People want to be around people that give and are easy-going in their interactions with individuals and the world around them."

​6. New friends are attracted to positivity.

When things feel dark, new friends will be attracted to someone who can make the world feel a little lighter. "People are often attracted to those who can find the silver lining, stay hopeful, and spread good vibes, especially in challenging situations," Dr. Stratyner says.

That's not to say you can never have bad days or process things like disappointment and grief. It just means you aren't ruled by them. (Listen, as an Enneagram 4, I'm talking to myself!)

Ok, you might be thinking, this is great but what do I do with this information? Here are some easy, actionable steps to take if you want to make new friends.

1. Understand why you're feeling lonely will help you address the real problem.

"First is to get an understanding of the loneliness and where it is coming from...finding community too soon may cause an increase in loneliness even while being surrounded by others," Kelman recommends.

You can't reach a solution if you don't know what the real problem is. I realized since I work from home, I need to do better about leaving the apartment, and my favorite way to spend an afternoon is coworking with a friend at a coffee shop.

​2. Finding new hobbies will connect you with similar people.

I met some of my best friends through a big movie group, which means when I have a meme or a piece of news to fangirl over, I know exactly who to contact. "Find activities that ignite you, find like minded individuals with whom to connect," Kelman adds. "Join a book club, pick up a new sport or hobby, but again, trying to immerse yourself too soon may not have any impact on the lonely feelings."

"The antidote to loneliness is social connection — true connection that paves the way for belonging," Dr. Gilboah says. "Talking to people to learn what interests and values are shared will open the door for the types of relationships that become community."

​3. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there.

Listen. If you only ever order takeout and watch Netflix, you'll simply never make new connections. You gotta get after it! "Look for community events, clubs, or hobby groups that align with your interests, whether book clubs, sports leagues, or volunteering opportunities," Dr. Stratyner says. "Being around people with shared passions makes it easier to start conversations and find common ground."

​4. And don't be afraid to reach out first.

For some reason, we've decided that reaching out first (or double texting) means we're needy and insufferable. This is simply not the case because who doesn't want to know they were thought of!! Plus, there's a good chance that if you're overthinking every little detail, other people are too.

"Reach out, even in small ways, to those around us who may be feeling the same," says Dr. Gilboah. "Loneliness often leads to rumination - the act of dwelling on or spiraling downward through negative thoughts. Ruminating can cause further isolation and distracts us from the people and stimuli around us."

​5. Be present when you're finally with people.

When you do make special connections, it's super important to make sure you're offering your full attention. "Showing up emotionally and physically makes them feel valued and heard, strengthening your bond," Dr. Stratyner says. She also recommends checking in to remind them you're there, and genuinely celebrating their wins (which, separately, is definitely a sign of being a girls' girl). "If a friend is going through a tough time, offer to help in any way you can," she adds. "Sometimes, simply acknowledging their struggle and offering your time can make all the difference."

"The best news about friendship is that Gen Z values authenticity above just about any other factor in friendship," Dr. Gilboah says. "Gathering the courage to be your true self and [mixing] that with empathetic listening will make you a sought after friend."