Here’s How Most People De-Stress After Work

Are there really assigned roles in friend groups or am I just imagining things?

Like I said before, it can seem like you and your friends unintentionally gravitate toward certain 'roles.' It's not like anyone woke up one day and decided, "I'm going to be the 'mother hen' of the group," but it tends to happen. Why?

Paruolo says, "In my clinical work, I've consistently observed that our friendship roles often mirror our early family dynamics. These patterns show up naturally — think about who in your friend group gets the first crisis call, who plans all the gatherings, or who everyone turns to for emotional support." I'm willing to bet you thought of a name for each scenario — including yours — because I know I did!

"Like in families, we each fall into specific roles that feel familiar to us," Paruolo further explains.

What actually makes someone an empathetic person?

There's so many definitions for empathy, but I thought it would be wise to ask a licensed professional for her opinion on the matter. "Empathy means to feel what others are feeling. You do not have to have a personal direct experience with something to feel empathy for another person," shares Paruolo.

For example, your friend could call to tell you she has to have fibroid removal surgery and is feeling scared. You may have never had surgery, but you could find yourself feeling the need to comfort her in spite of this. Paruolo says, "The cool thing about our brains is that we have mirror neurons, which means part of our brain is set up to feel what others feel. The ability to attune to others' emotional states comes naturally to some people, while others may need to develop this capacity more consciously."

To break it down even further, here's signs that Paruolo says point to your empathetic nature.

Physical Signs:

• Getting physically exhausted after being in crowds
• Feeling drained after social interactions, even enjoyable ones (OMG I feel so seen!)
• Needing extra time alone to recharge

Emotional Signs:

• Absorbing other people's emotions like a sponge
• Feeling anxious or overwhelmed in emotionally charged environments
• Finding it hard to watch violence or cruelty in movies/TV

Social Signs:

• Feeling responsible for others' happiness
• Having trouble saying "no" to people who need help

Mental Signs:

• Picking up on subtle changes in others' moods
• Being highly attuned to body language and tone
• Finding it hard to distinguish your feelings from others' feelings

It sounds like I'm the empathetic friend, but are there any downsides to this?

I've been an empath for as long as I can remember and I've found that I have to 'recharge' my social batteries at times. I thought it was because I was trying to be superwoman by fixing others' problems, but it turns out theres more to it than that. Paruolo says, "Empathetic friends and people have an uncanny ability to sense others' emotional states even when unspoken, and frequently need recovery time after intense social interactions. They tend to be deeply affected by others' experiences and naturally consider situations from multiple perspectives."

In the long run, she says it can be "distressing" for some people to always feel the feelings of others. Over time, she says, "it can cause you to shut down and retract." This can look like not being as quick to respond to the funny memes your friends send you or not even answering their phone calls right away.

But, this doesn't mean you're the only person who tends to go through this. "Many empaths struggle with maintaining boundaries due to their deep emotional attunement," she says. Color me guilty because this sounds so much like me. It got so bad at one point that my sister nicknamed me 'Captain Save-A-Lot,' which is actually the clean version of what she truly meant. Still, empathy fatigue is no laughing matter nor does it mean you're defected. You just have the natural ability to show people their feelings are important to you.

How can I protect my peace as the empathetic friend?

You know you need to set boundaries, but what does that mean? Paruolo says, "The key is understanding that empathy needs to be balanced with compassion - it's not just about feeling others' emotions but also knowing how to help without depleting yourself."

One of the things she loves to do is "encourage empaths to set clear boundaries around their emotional availability and make time for regular grounding exercises." As with gratitude journaling, try to focus on an activity that calls for you to be present. Focus on what you can hear, see, touch, taste, and smell.

"Self-care isn't just a luxury; it's essential maintenance for empaths. This might mean scheduling alone time, finding a supportive therapist, or joining communities where you can process your experiences," Paruolo implores.

I know how to be there for others, but how do I ask for emotional support when I need it?

You may feel like it's impossible to ask others for help since your shoulders are the ones people cry on, but you're only doing yourself a disservice by not speaking up. No one's super resilient or able to handle all of their distressing feelings alone. We're not meant to.

It's the reason Paruolo wants you to speak up about what you need. "The most effective approach I've seen is being direct about your needs rather than hoping others will figure them out," she says. I made this mistake during postpartum and found myself expecting my family & friends to know exactly how I felt, but they're not mind readers. The more I verbally asked for help with little or big tasks, the more my mental and emotional load lightened.

Paruolo wants you to look at "asking for support as strengthening your friendships through trust and vulnerability, instead of waiting until you're overwhelmed." By the time you reach that point, you'll be ready to enter rage or full-blown shut down mode and they're not fun.

Avoid unlocking their proverbial doors by scheduling "regular check-ins with trusted friends," suggests Paruolo. "This creates a sustainable support system and helps prevent emotional crisis points.

Intentional Thoughts

I'm someone who has a hard time letting things go; I can agonize over one thought or situation for days! Because of this, I focus a lot on taking thoughts captive, which just means pinpointing anxious thoughts and replacing them with what I know is true.

When I have an anxious thought, I do a creative visualization exercise in which I imagine it's inside a bubble floating over my head. Then I slam an imaginary door over the memory and lock it. Then the bubble explodes and the thought doesn't exist anymore. It's not necessarily pretending like it never happened, but it does allow me to exercise some control over what I allow myself to spend time and energy thinking about.

—Choe Williams, Entertainment Editor

Breathing Techniques

My mom is a Pre-K teacher and suggested I try the breathing exercises she does with her kids who are just four years old (I'm 31 for context). The first is called Mountain Breathing, which entails holding up your hand and tracing the outline of your fingers. As you climb up the mountain (or your finger), inhale, and as you trace down into the valley between your fingers, exhale. Another breathing visualization she recommends is as you inhale, imagine yourself breathing in to smell the flowers, and exhale to blow out a candle. These little imaginative scenarios help me get out of my head and focus on my breathing when I need a little reset throughout the day.

Hammock Swinging

Whenever I'm feeling super stressed, I head for the hammock I setup in my front yard. Just as rocking can soothe babies, swinging in a hammock is a powerful soother for adults too! I feel super chilled afterwards and am usually getting some Vitamin D while I'm at it for a win-win.

Painting

During the pandemic, I revisited arts and crafts with soft pastels. I started mixing the colors and doing gradient shadings on card stock with my hands, and it proved to be a super meditative way to decompress. The end result is DIY art you can share or pin on your fridge or wall.

—Alison Ives, Head Of Content

Breathing Techniques

Nothing calms me down quite like alternate-nostril breathing. I first learned about this technique in my yoga classes, but the practice (called Nadi Shodhana in Sanskrit) dates back to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, which was thought to be written sometime between 200 BC and 200 CE. Put simply, you sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and cover one nostril while you breathe in through the other. Then, you switch which nostril you're holding closed, and breathe out. In modern times, the connection between vagal nerve tone (which is correlated with anxiety and emotional regulation) and alternate-nostril breathing is becoming more and more mainstream, which may eventually help us better understand why this practice is so naturally calming.

Tarot Reading

Tarot can mean a lot of different things to different people. For me, I use tarot cards as a method to help me understand what lessons I'm learning at any given time. This has allowed me to view stressors in my life as learning experiences, which has helped me stay calm in numerous crises. I personally like to light some incense or a scented candle, sit quietly, and pull a card to see what resonates. That said, tarot and its associated images and meanings can be scary or triggering if you don't have a deep and gentle understanding of what the cards mean. I recommend Lindsay Mack's classes and podcasts for anyone who wants to learn about tarot in a non-judgemental, non-predictive, trauma-informed way.

—Maggie McCracken, Former Senior Editor

Sensory Accessories

My recent ways of coping/de-stressing have primarily been spiky sensory finger rings, which are a huge help when I need to get something done and can't stop my day to destress. I grab one of these guys which I have all over the place (most of my jacket pockets + purses), and it helps to calm me down and reset my focus.

Meditation On The Move

Another thing I do that I am trying to integrate into my daily routine is guided meditation walks. As someone who hasn't mastered sitting meditation I've found some on Headspace that I'm enjoying that are specifically for going on a walk through a city.

—Claire Shadomy, Former Graphic Designer

Baths...

In times of high stress, or after a long day, my go-to is always a candle-lit bath soak. I put a large scoop of Epsom salts in the tub with a few drops of my favorite essential oil and place tea lights all around the tub. It’s like my secret getaway from the rest of the world. I always make a point to leave my phone in the other room too so I utilize the time to just relax in silence. Water triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body's “rest and digest” response. It always gets my heart rate and blood pressure down.

...And Sound Baths

Sound baths are a meditative experience where you’re “bathed” in sound waves. I love to watch them online but you can also create your own experience. I find meditating with a singing bowl so relaxing. It can take a little practice, but once you’ve nailed the hand movement, it’s an interactive way to ease stress and channel your focus elsewhere.

—Allison Cimo, Former Social Media Manager

Take A Hike

Pretty much every day in 2020 I walked the trails near my house and I started to pick up a small rock each time. I'd fidget with it while I cleared my mind and let nature calm my nerves. I would throw the rock back into nature after my hike and it felt like a release for all of my worries.

Bedtime Music

My daughter and I listen to Doze sleep music on Headspace before we go to bed. It calms her late-night zoomies (and mine) and gets her to sleep in minutes!

—Theresa Gonzalez, Branded Content Editor

Journaling

What I use for my anxiety is the Intelligent Change Five Minute Journal. I have a safe word in place for when I feel myself spiraling or I'm not able to control my thoughts and breathing.

—Brittney Davis, Account Manager

Why aren't Rudy and Madison friends anymore?

Rudy Pankow and Madison Bailey were best friends during season 1 (Madison called Rudy her "bestie," and said that in any situation, "he's the first person I'm going to call"). But rumors of a fallout came after the show went viral in 2020. Fans picked up on their onscreen chemistry and started shipping the actors in addition to shipping their characters JJ and Kiara (the internet shipped the fictional couple so hard, in fact, that the relationship was written into the show despite it not being the team's original plan).

"Madison and Kiara, and Rudy and JJ, are two different people," Madison said in a 2020 Entertainment Tonight interview after the relationship started picking up steam. "Let's keep the ships on the show. But as far as the show, I'm all for it."

After publicity for Outer Banks season 2 began, fans noticed Rudy and Madison didn't seem to have the same connection in public, and even appeared to avoid each other on set — a far cry from their adorable interactions during press for season 1.

Fans started outright blaming Rudy's girlfriend Elaine Seimek, who was originally a PA on the show, for causing a rift between the two actors. Madison herself shut down the rumors with a TikTok promising they all had no problems, while Rudy Pankow took to Instagram to defend his girlfriend.

"To those who are creating such displeasure and opinions about the one I love and my relationship, it’s time to stop," Rudy Pankow said in an August 6, 2021 post. "In this era of social engagement and enlightenment I want to express the importance to spread positivity and needing to know when it is unfair to express your own distaste for something or someone, especially when you can do it behind an anonymous identity. I was always told the best version of yourself is your most humbled self…I make this statement as my most humbled self and would be so grateful if we all would move forward in positivity and respect."

Is there drama between the Outer Banks cast?

The Outer Banks cast drama rumors only intensified after a June 2023 dinner, when Madison Bailey and her partner Mariah Linney reportedly unfollowed Elaine on Instagram. Not to mention the fact Rudy Pankow isn't in any of the Outer Banks season 4 cast videos.

After JJ's death rocked the internet, creators Josh and Jonas Pate and Shannon Burke said that it was always the plan to kill JJ. "For a long time we had known that someone was going to die," showrunner Shannon Burke told Teen Vogue. "We thought it was going to be JJ all along."

However, the fact that JJ and Kiara have been dating for almost 2 years at this point, yet barely react to the other heading into danger has fans thinking Rudy asked to leave the show. And rumors that they filmed multiple endings to give Rudy the option to stay only adds fuel to the fire.

When new episodes of the show dropped in November of 2024, fans almost immediately clocked that Rudy and Madison appear to have used body doubles for a cuddling scene — while Madelyn Cline and Chase Stokes (who dated from June 2020 to November 2021) were cozied up across the campfire.

Even though an anonymous source suggested Rudy and Madison aren't friends anymore, and that their chemistry onscreen in season 1 was because they'd fallen for each other IRL, a source told People the actors are not feuding.

When did Madison Bailey and Rudy Pankow meet?

Rudy and Madison first met after Rudy had booked the role of JJ and Madison was headed to a final audition. Despite the fact they had mutual friends, they didn't meet until they were on the same plane to Charleston. She told Harper's Bazaar in 2020 that she said hello when they crossed paths, then found a DM from him on social media. “He was like, ‘I knew you were Kiara the second I saw you,’" she said. "I was like, "Oh my God, did this guy three seats up really just DM me?’ He went and found our mutuals, found my page, and messaged me.”

Well, during press for Outer Banks season 4, when the cast was asked who would be most likely to fall in love with a stranger on a plane, Carlacia Grant (Cleo) answered with Madison, leading fans to believe she was confirming the romance rumors.

Did Rudy quit OBX?

Rudy Pankow exited Outer Banks after season 4, and Madison Bailey finally spoke about what JJ means to her in the cast's official goodbye — and got emotional talking about how well Rudy brought the character to life.

"We all read the character on the page," she says. "And we know what you brought to it and you turned it out and really made something of it and paid respect to the depth of the character while bringing a lightheartedness that the show desperately needed."

And during a cast video hyping up JJ's (and Rudy's) best moments from the series, fans were beaming when Rudy and Madison dissected some of the best Jiara moments from season 3. "this video healed me❤️🩹 thank you netflix!" one TikTok user wrote in the comments of Madison talking about JJ and Kiara's first kiss. "I’m so happy [they're] friends bro like fr 🥺🥺," another user said.