Why Downplaying Career Success Can Be Hurting Your Dating Game

1. What to say if your romantic partner makes you question whether you saw inappropriate texts on their phone

If I had things my way, gaslighting would be outlawed. Unfortunately, some people just can't seem to take responsibility for their actions, and they really love to make it everyone else's problem. Even more infuriatingly, it can appear in romantic relationships when one person is caught doing something that breaches the trust between them and their partner.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend spins a tale that makes you question what you’re sure you saw, try not to panic. Instead, take a page from Beaupre’s book. She suggests saying, “I’ll stand by what I know is true. If we need to agree to disagree, that’s fine, but I’m not going to let this change what I know or how I feel.”

She says doing this “shows them you’re not going to be swayed or pulled into their ‘game.’” It also helps “keep you grounded and firm, making it clear that their gaslighting isn’t going to work.” The more you stand your ground, the more someone is “less likely to continue trying to manipulate/control you,” according to her.

2. What to say when a friend keeps lying about their accomplishments

This is a tricky one because you probably know one of your friends likes to embellish the truth a bit. It’s one of the things that used to be funny because they could always come up with a story on the spot. But, it can be confusing if you notice your friend tends to lie about something they’ve accomplished. Just don’t think you have to go out of your way to expose them though.

Beaupre says, “If it’s not harming anyone, sometimes it’s okay to leave it alone because, eventually, the truth will catch up to them anyway, and they will learn their lesson on their own.” But she says if you notice “their lies are causing major problems or hurting others,” speak up “gently.”

“You can ask them why they feel the need to lie, and if there’s something they’re struggling with that they might want to talk about,” she continues. Her suggestion is to say, “I’ve noticed that sometimes, you say things that don’t really add up, and I’m just wondering if there’s a reason. Is everything okay?”

3. What to say when someone complains about you setting boundaries

If there’s one thing a narcissist can’t stand, it’s boundaries. If you know someone who has a tendency to overreact when you set them, Beaupre knows what you can say to them. “I’m not okay with how you’re reacting. If you can’t respect my limit, then I’m going to have to take a step back and distance myself,” she suggests.

She feels “this makes it clear that you’re serious about your boundaries.” Also, it signals that you “won’t let their reaction change what you need to feel respected, safe and secure.”

4. What to say if someone utters "I love you" after a few weeks of dating

If only some of us would’ve asked this question during some of our prior relationships, we may have avoided unnecessary heartbreak. Should you find yourself faced with someone’s eager declarations of love early on, Beaupre wants you to “to be honest about how you feel and not feel pressured to say it back if you’re not ready.”

5. What to say when someone makes light of something or someone you're grieving

This reminds us of one of the relationship red flags we recently dug into. We know why people say passive-aggressive things, but it's still painful no matter what the situation is. In the case of grieving, it's a hard no for us. Beaupre says, “In times like this, when you’re going through a lot of heavy emotions, it’s important to set a boundary for your peace.”

If you feel yourself questioning whether your feelings are valid, Beaupre says not to do that. "Don't let others downplay/dismiss what you’re feeling or going through, especially if it's something that's really taking a toll on you." What she urges you to say is, "I know you may not fully understand, but this is really important to me, and I need you to respect that.” In her opinion, it's a way of letting that person "know you're serious about protecting your emotional space without being confrontational."

And if they're still being a grade-A jerk about it? It may be time to limit the time you spend with them.

6. What to say if someone uses 'jokes' to constantly critique your appearance

We think laughter is good for the soul, but not at the expense of hurting other people's feelings. This means no one should have the luxury of repeatedly commenting about the way you present yourself. Beaupre says, "If the way you look, what you’re wearing or how you speak isn’t hurting anyone, they really shouldn’t be commenting on it." Should you notice this unfortunate pattern in someone close to you, it's time to address it.

Beaupre wants you to try saying, "I’m fine with how I look and speak. You can let me know if there's a problem, but please don’t make me feel bad about it." That way, you can "set a clear limit about what you won't tolerate," according to her. She believes it's also a "chance to share any concerns without crossing into criticism or bullying."

Still, someone who refuses to stop disguising their obvious issues with you as harmless 'jokes' isn't someone who deserves a long-term spot in your life.

1. You're never sure what kind of mood your parents will be in before you walk in the living room or kitchen.

Let's put this on record: parenting is tough — especially on top of trying to maintain a work-life balance. But, this doesn't mean you're meant to be unsure of what to expect every time you come around your parents. If you have to "'read the room'" a lot "before speaking," Slavens indicates this is one of the more subtle signs of dysfunction.

This is where you may have learned how to become passive-aggressive if that's something you struggle with. The reason for this is because "clear and direct communication is avoided and/or seen as bad or aggressive," according to Dr. Miller.

2. You tend to feel like you're constantly compared to and in competition with your siblings.

My heart truly wants to believe this isn't intentional behavior from parents, but I can't say I haven't heard people talk about feeling like they'd never measure up to the 'golden child' of their family. You may have felt insecure about your grades, the college you chose to go to, your career goals, or even your physical appearance. Slavens says this "struggle with self-worth or second-guessing yourself constantly" is yet another sign that your family's dynamic wasn't the healthiest.

Also, Dr. Miller says this could've caused you to learn to "shrink yourself in the presence of loved ones." Even worse, you may "feel the need to hide pieces of yourself in order to be loved and accepted."

3. There was constant yelling and screaming during arguments, making you fearful of disagreements or hardships.

If you grew up in a home where arguments always led to screaming and yelling, chances are you're not a fan of loud voices or hard moments. Honestly, Slavens says it's not hard to believe that "conflict make you anxious, even when it’s minor." Unsurprisingly, you may have become a referee during these arguments and currently find yourself being a mediator in your platonic or romantic relationships. Why?

Dr. Miller says, "You constantly feel the need to manage everyone else’s emotions often at the cost of your own needs and wellbeing." You know, to keep the peace.

Here are some more obvious signs you grew up in a dysfunctional family

4. You had to take on a parental role when one of your parents decided to stop being an adult.

I imagine that having an emotionally immature parent is one of the most aggravating and stressful things to deal with. Not only that, but you may have had to help keep the household afloat. You may have had to get a job or two to help pay bills, listening to an adult conversation as your mom or dad laid their problems at your young feet, and more!

If you "family roles were flipped" and you "maybe had to parent your own parents," Slavens says this is a form of emotional dysfunction.

5. You weren't allowed to go anywhere with your friends because your parents wanted to keep an eye on you at all times.

Slavens says boundaries that "didn't exist" or "were rigid and controlling" is a sign your home was a little...interesting. Being concerned about your whereabouts is one thing, but it's another when you're unable to do anything without your parents' eagle-eyes on you. Something as simple as going to the mall with your friends may have become a lecture about the dangers of shoplifting or car wrecks. Again, these are valid concerns but they shouldn't be treated like the verbal form of doom scrolling.

6. You consistently witnessed one of your parents abuse alcohol or drugs at home.

This is a tough because substance abuse is so prevalent in varies socioeconomic statuses and communities. From the functioning alcoholic to the one who becomes belligerent after they've had too much to drink, it always affects those around them. Slavens says if "there was ongoing neglect, substance abuse, or verbal/physical aggression," your home probably didn't safe.

I recognize some of these signs of a dysfunctional family. But that doesn't mean they're affecting my current relationships, right?

I hate to break it to you, but it's possible your childhood wounds have shown up before. "Dysfunctional dynamics don’t stay in childhood — they tend to creep into how you connect with others," says Slavens. Similarly, Dr. Miller agrees that "we typically repeat what we learned at home with our families in our other relationships." How?

"This includes the beliefs and rules we follow, often completely subconsciously, about what can and can’t talk about and why, as well as what emotions are allowed to be expressed, who can express them and how, and how we should or must respond to those people and their emotions," explains Dr. Miller.

Another way to look at this is how Slavens has outlined it:

In Platonic Relationships:

1. Overextending yourself to please others, even at your own expense
2. Feeling like you have to "earn your friends' affections.
3. Avoiding vulnerability because it feels unsafe.

In Romantic Relationships:

1. Struggling to trust your partner or feeling overly suspicious
2. Repeating patterns like dating people who are emotionally unavailable or controlling.
3. Feeling overly responsible for your partner's happiness — or relying on them for yours.

OMG! How do I unlearn habits from my dysfunctional family?

Honestly, everyone has a few bad habits they've carried from their childhood to adulthood. You're not an outlier because some things weren't 100% normal so I don't want you to feel like you're a failure for not having having it all together. "Dysfunction doesn’t have to define your future relationships," Slavens assures. Dr. Miller says you can start to unlearn things "that aren't working for you anymore" by "gathering your family's larger context to gain insight into how and why, for them, the behaviors make sense."

By taking a look at your family's "history and larger social and political contexts" gives you a chance to "see them as whole people with full lives," she says. Once you do that, she believes "you can examine what pieces make sense for you to keep and what parts you'd like to learn to do differently." Her other suggestion? Don't forget you're ability to utilize a "therapist who works systemically, like an LMFT" who "can be a huge support in this process."

Slavens' tips include the following:

1. Practice self-awareness: Notice when a response feels automatic — like people-pleasing or shutting down during conflict — and ask yourself, Is this helping me, or is this a leftover habit from the past?
2. Set boundaries: If your childhood lacked healthy boundaries, learning to say “no” without guilt is a game-changer. Boundaries protect your energy and teach others how to treat you.
3. Learn healthy conflict skills: If conflict made you feel unsafe growing up, it’s natural to avoid it. But healthy conflict is necessary in relationships. Practice expressing your needs calmly and directly.
4. Therapy, therapy, therapy: A good therapist can help untangle the messy, “weird” things that got normalized and give you tools to rebuild healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
5. Surround yourself with healthier models: Whether it’s friends, mentors, or books/podcasts, seek examples of functional relationships and start observing what feels different.

While you're busy unlearning things, Dr. Miller also wants you to remember something. "Recognize that how your family does something is simply that; how your particular family system figured out and were taught to navigate the world. It isn’t inherently right because you’ve normalized it nor is the way another person or family does it inherently wrong," she says.

Having A Baby At 16 (& Raising Her On Your Own) Is Huge

It’s actually a pretty big deal — not just a funny one-liner. During my first viewing, it felt like teen pregnancy was everywhere in pop culture, and I didn’t fully comprehend why some characters made a big deal over Lorelai’s age while others just laughed along. But as a newly minted 32-year-old, I couldn’t imagine having a 16-year-old child right now! Let alone raising one very well from the time I was just 16 myself! Definitely impressive of young (and adult) Lorelai!

Lorelai Was Right To Turn Chris Down

As a hopelessly romantic teen who desperately wanted a cute boyfriend, I thought love was all you needed. And I was extremely confused by Lorelai’s rejection of Chris’s proposal in the first season. He said he loved her and wanted to be a family — shouldn’t that be enough? But alas, he wasn’t ready for a commitment, and Lorelai knew it. Trusting your gut is a big part of growing up.

Max Medina Wasn’t *That* Great

I always thought Max’s proposal was incredibly romantic. He did exactly what Lorelai wanted — 1,000 yellow daisies (definitely more than 1,000 TBH) and had a beautiful speech prepared, which he delivered….over the phone? It’s honestly pretty strange that he wasn’t there in person. Proposals are so personal, and his just felt disconnected. It’s no wonder Lorelai had trouble making up her mind!

Emily And Richard Aren’t As Mean As Lorelai Makes Them Out To Be

Sure, they can be harsh and difficult, and they're clearly still hurt over the past. But so are Lorelai and Rory, whether or not the show wants to admit it. But this is life and all humans are flawed, and Lorelai isn’t the victim that I always believed she was.

Lorelai And Rory Are SO Codependent

I always thought their relationship was perfect, but it’s honestly not too healthy for either of them. We know Lorelai’s emotional growth is stunted due to having to be an adult from a young age, but maybe their relationship explains why Rory isn’t as well-adjusted as she should be either.

Richard’s Attack On Dean Wasn't Malicious

For years, I thought Richard was such a jerk for this, but as an adult...I can see his intentions are in the right place. We're all the sum of who we spend the most time with, so the company we keep is important. However, his delivery probably could’ve waited until after dinner.

Naming A Baby After Yourself Is Pretty Bad*ss

Though it’s mentioned in the show a few times — often played as a joke or a quirky character trait — I kind of love that Lorelai went for it and named her baby Lorelai, too. Men have been doing this for years, and I wish more women would as well. It’s such a cool, forward-thinking choice, especially for a young girl in the 80's!

Pride Is Great...Unless You Let It Hinder Your Life

Another example of Lorelai playing the victim: When she wanted a bank loan, Emily knew that Lorelei would need a co-signer and showed up for her despite their differences, without intentionally making her feel bad. Instead of accepting the help, Lorelai assumed her mom was out to get her (?) and almost cost herself the opportunity to get some much-needed funding, all because of her relentless insistence of doing it all on her own. The lesson? Don’t be so shortsighted and quick to assume.

Christopher Somehow *Always* Makes The Worst Decisions

In season 2, he wasn’t being romantic by giving Lorelai the pearl necklace for her graduation, and I refuse to see this gesture as such. He was still dating Sherry, and that totally sent mixed signals.

A little later, when Christopher and Lorelai finally give it a go for real, he finds out Sherry is pregnant and decides to marry her instead. Let me just say...there's no universe where this was the right thing to do! Besides breaking Lorelai’s (and Rory’s!) hearts, he entered into a loveless marriage, doing a disservice to both Sherry and Gigi.

Paris Was On To Something With Her Quest To Uncover The Dark Side Of Small Towns

This was played for laughs, and as a tween in 2001, I thought it was ridiculous. However, in today’s climate...it’s not too difficult to imagine the dark side of a small town — despite how charming and idyllic it may look on the surface.

Emily’s Desire To Find A Maid She Likes Is *Sorta* Fair

Yes, she’s not warm and fuzzy, but Emily Gilmore knows what she wants. I once thought she was a mean dictator, but her monologue in relation to the lawsuit clears it up: If you’re paying for a service, you demand that service (i.e. coach vs first class on a plane). If someone is working in your home, it’s all the more important to get the chemistry and personality fit right, as opposed to a traditional office environment.

Logan’s Family’s Opinion Of Rory Wasn't Too Far Off

Although Logan’s family’s disapproval of Rory when they meet her at dinner is unexpected, it’s definitely not as out of the blue as I originally thought. Logan’s family knows Richard and Emily well, and they’re likely well aware of Rory’s career aspirations, which is the main point of contention. Although Logan’s mother and grandfather are extremely clear about this, Rory can’t get past thinking it’s a class issue. I will never not cringe at hearing her exclaim “but I’m a Gilmore?!?!” Whether we like it or not, compatibility of lifestyles and goals play a huge role in whether a couple has a successful future together — Logan’s parents were just looking out for him, misguided as they may have been.

Michum’s Offer For An Internship Was Thoughtful

Rory initially rejects this very generous offer for a fantastic opportunity that will help further her career ambitions, all because she believes it wasn’t extended for the right reasons (out of guilt over the dinner). Mitchum’s response “So what? Life is full of opportunities….” is so spot on. It doesn’t matter why — just take advantage of what’s in front of you! Maybe if Rory wasn’t so uncomfortable using her connections, she would have been a more successful journalist.

So Maybe Mitchum Was A Little Right About Rory

I so clearly remember being confused by how the Mitchum internship went down. But she’s Rory, how could she *not* have what it takes?! But now, as a college grad who successfully completed 14 internships during undergrad and has worked in communications for almost a decade, I completely understand where he’s coming from.

If you rewatch these episodes, you’ll see the light as well. In the scene right before Mitchum has the talk with Rory, he’s running an editorial meeting and she’s sitting in. He mentions the paper can find students (like Rory, who writes for the Yale Daily News) at local colleges (like Yale) to freelance for the paper, and Rory stayed silent. That was her moment to impress him by raising her hand and volunteering, and it was also the moment when he decided she didn’t have what it takes to be a journalist. Looking at it now, she was very clearly missing the drive; the “not knowing if she could speak up because she’s just an intern” schtick? Any budding journalist would have raised their hands so quickly for a shot at a byline on a real paper.

While all of Rory’s growth at the paper was great — learning names, getting coffee orders correct — she was essentially growing into a secretary, not a journalist. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s a very different skillset.

TL;DR she didn't have what it takes, he knew it, and he did her a favor (as she tried to do with the ballerina, however harsh it was.)

Rory’s Harsh Ballet Review Was Actually Symbolic

Shortly after Rory returns to Yale, she’s tasked with reviewing a ballet performance. She hates the performance and decides to eviscerate the ballerina in her review, only feeling guilty *after* the she’s confronted. By the episode’s end, Rory realizes that truthful reviews are important and it’s better that the ballerina finds out now so she can pursue something else instead. This make sense, but for some reason Rory can’t seem to connect her harsh review with Mitchum’s, despite very recently being on the receiving end of a well-meaning (but harshly received) review. Effectively, Rory became the Mitchum, illustrating that she’s grown thicker skin and isn't afraid to hurt feelings when she needs to.

Luke Telling Rory That He And Lorelai Are Engaged Was...Off

I wanted our girls to make up as much as the next serial rewatcher, but this was not it. Luke inserting himself in the middle of Rory and Lorelai during their fight and telling Rory that they’re engaged is so misguided and inappropriate. And then proceeding to flip out at Lorelai, because their fight is inconveniencing him? Let’s add Luke to the list of emotionally immature characters on this show.

Lorelai Planning The Entire Wedding In One Day Is SO Unrealistic

As a tween this seemed normal, but as an adult who just spent two years (!) planning their own wedding, I can confirm it’s totally unrealistic.

Also, getting married in a church is an absolutely bizarre choice for someone who isn’t at all religious (as we learned in Sookie’s baptism episode). And why would she pick out Luke’s tuxedo, without him even trying it on?

I get that weddings are inherently “girly” and not Luke’s thing, but your partner should have some involvement in the planing process (at the very least, maybe get their opinion on the venue and tux?!). These are big financial decisions that should not be made alone (she put down non refundable deposits and booked dates before checking with him). I love Luke & Lorelai but upon rewatching, they were never on the same page — which is so evident here.

Dave Rygalski Was A Pathological Liar

I used to think he was the perfect guy, and it took me a long time to see the light. Never forget how he jumped through all those hoops for Lane! But as an adult who has dealt with *many* too-good-to-be-true suitors, it’s shocking how easy it was for him to lie to Mrs Kim. I genuinely think Dave is a pathological liar, and definitely not someone you want to be with forever, which brings us to…

Zack Was Actually A Great Guy

Truthfully, I always thought he was a loser who was obsessed with everything being “so rock and roll.” But he was actually always totally real and upfront about who he was, which is something that Mrs. Kim was able to respect despite their differences.

Richard Was The Real Villain Of Emily’s LASIK Surgery

I fully expected to feel like Lorelai was in the wrong during my most recent rewatch (although she’s no angel here — you're mom can’t see, stop complaining and help her out!), but the real villain here is Richard. Who leaves their wife for a business trip after a botched eye surgery? He’s back at the firm by this point (a global company) and could have easily had someone else step in to take the meeting instead.

Rory Dropping Out Of Yale Wasn't The Worst Thing Ever

As a teen, this seemed crazy. Why would Rory give up on her dream and throw her life away?! But as an adult who, like Rory, went through personal trauma during her college years, took time off, and eventually went back and finished school, I see things differently now. Success is not linear, and everyone’s path is different. When you’re that focused, it’s even more important to take a breather and recalibrate.

Mrs Kim’s Parenting Skills Shine When Lane And Rory Both Face Setbacks

I love Rory and Lorelai’s relationship (it’s so similar to mine and my own mother’s!), but they didn't respect each other’s opinions when they disagreed. From Lorelai freezing Rory out after she wanted to give up and take time off of Yale (again, just a semester — and so not a big deal!) to Rory refusing to hear out Lorelai’s side and listen to her advice, this feels off for two people who love each other so much. Especially when juxtaposed with Lane’s and Mrs. Kim’s drama on-going in the same episode.

At the end of season 5, Lane also wanted to give up on her dream (being a drummer in Hep Alien) and move back home, but Mrs. Kim surprised us all by stepping up and proclaiming, “So you’re giving up? Then you are not the daughter I raised!” And she proceeds to help Lane and the band go on tour across the East Coast. Even if it’s not the vision Mrs. Kim had for her only daughter, she’d rather have a happy daughter than a miserable one who accepts defeat.

Lane and her mother always had a different dynamic than the other mother/daughter duos on the show. While they’re not as close as Rory and Lorelai, Mrs. Kim always had her daughter’s respect. It’s interesting how Lane and Rory both experienced setbacks and wanted to give up their dreams, but Mrs. Kim ultimately stepped up while Lorelai lost touch with her daughter for months.

Season 7 Christopher Was A CATCH

Younger me hated Christopher for coming between Luke and Lorelai (really though, that was all Lorelai), but Christopher achieved excellent character development over the course of seven seasons. He truly gets Lorelai, from planning the perfect date to involving her in his life in a real way, which Luke was never able to do. They may not have been endgame but he was great for that moment in time.

The Abortion Convo...Er, Lack Thereof

Lane gets pregnant at 22, and she explicitly says she isn’t ready for the baby and that there’s so much more she wants to do first before kids. Lane is a small town girl, so she may not have known her options, but she has a worldly best friend who’s sexually experienced, well-traveled, and Ivy League educated.

So what wonderful advice does Rory give her friend in distress? She assures her that she will be a GREAT mom and to stop worrying. This is uncomfortably tone deaf, and a real way that Rory failed Lane as a friend and fellow woman.

In a later conversation, Zach and Lane both agree that they’re broke, totally unprepared, and that “this baby sucks.” But they just decide to suffer through it and don’t discuss any other options.

As a teen with limited life experience, this made sense during my first viewing. But as an adult woman in a post-Roe v Wade world, I’m floored this storyline was ever approved without even the slightest mention of the A-word.

Judging Sherry Was Way Harsh

Personally, I cringe every time Lorelai and Rory bring up the point that “mani-pedi-twice-a-week Sherry” can’t possibly be a good mom. I know she’s supposed to be the villain who “stole” Christopher from Lorelai —only for us to later see things through Christopher’s POV only — but these characterizations did not age well. Realistically, Sherry is a career-driven woman who screwed up and married a guy who’s an absent father to both of his children — and she finally decided to put herself first.